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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC appt weeks away, advice for now?
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I can't really afford mc out of pocket, and our insurance only covers part of it (still way cheaper) at one particular office. Unfortunately that office couldn't get us in until May 8. I'm a mess and as terrified as I am of going and dredging up feelings (my all time least favorite past time), I really need some direction on how to deal with all this. I'm 9 days past dday and so far WH has been very understanding of my craziness. Any advice for how to cope in the meantime?


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emmadean, please don't refer to the trauma that has been put on you as "your craziness". You are not crazy. You are angry, shocked, sad...wrecked beyond belief. Your H should be owning the affair at this point. He could apologize every hour and it would not lessen the pain you feel and I am sorry but you will continue to feel it in the months ahead. This is a long road. But you will be okay

What can you do? I emphasize with you as I learned of D-day weeks before X-mas and therapy was not available until the new year. So...

I cried a lot. I exercised. I wrote. I spoke to my sister and bf who had no clue what to do but they did listen. My H started reading After the Affair. I read it too. What he needs to get his hands on now is How to Help your Spouse Heal From your Affair. This will give him a greater understanding of the hell you are experiencing.

I didn't know of SI back then but you do! So..keep posting, ask questions, feel your feelings, and read from the Healing Library. So many good people here to listen and offer support.

I wish you well.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second LA's recommendation of the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. In the meantime, you can have him read the thread in the Wayward forum called "Things that every WS needs to know" it is a kind of shortened form of whats in the book. My FWH found it very helpful as it explains what a BS needs the WS to do. I didn't even know what I needed and this thread help me to define what I needed from my FWH.
so far WH has been very understanding of my craziness.
He better freaking be seeing as he is the one who threw this shitstorm into your life. We didn't chose this. We didn't ask for this. We don't deserve this.

In maybe six weeks I would suggest you both start reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. What we did was get two copies of the book. We read a chapter (sometimes two, depending on how long the chapter's were) and set aside time at the end of the week to discuss what we had read. We took notes, highlighted, etc. The book has a few quizzes, too. We actually found this book did more for us than MC did. FWH started to really "get it" then. He is a builder, so the whole windows and walls analogy really resonated with him. Many light bulb moments for him and me, also.

I suggest you wait to read this book because some find it way too triggery soon after d-day. You may find that to be true for you at 6 weeks. It was triggery for me at 8 months out, but not so bad that I couldn't read the book. It was worth it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I know I'm not crazy, I'm just not used to feeling so out of control. He is owning it and answering any questions I come up with, no matter how ludicrous they sound. He felt so guilty, he spilled his guts days after it happened, and told me everything (probably more than I wanted to know). If he hadn't told me, I'd never have known, as the OW was a stranger who he'll never see again (didn't even remember her name) and none of his friends know. He could've totally gotten away with it, but told me anyway. He's been great which helps, but I'm just so confused about how to process everything...


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so confusing. We want comfort and reassurance from the very person that stabbed us in the back. So many conflicting emotions and yet, for me, everything seemed so surreal. That soon everything will be back to the way it used to be. I was quite literally in shock and denial for many months. On the one level I knew it happened but the reality of what it really meant took awhile for me to process. Don't try to rush it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It so hard to be in the beginning. If you cant get into the MC before May 8 then I would write things down. I wouldn't try to solve anything right now, I would just try to take care of myself and try to rest. Writing things out in a journal will help you to calm down a small bit so that you can make it to the MC.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad your H is owning this @ 9 days in. He has a way to go yet. I second the reading info Sister wrote about.

The advice I got early on was not to make any MAJOR decision during a very emotional time. I recall a friend whose wife had died. Everyone wanted him to sell the house right away. He didn't do anything. He sat on it bc he knew he needed time for his head to clear.

So...as jjsr suggested: write some things down. Write more things down. You need not solve this or rush to decision.

Hugs to you Emmadean.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm definitely going to pick up those books. :) I really appreciate the tips. I know it's a long road, I just want to start working towards R. I need to feel like I'm being proactive and not just letting this situation happen to me. If that makes sense. :)


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 8

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