Topic: Introducing Children to New Partners
Member # 41521
| Posted: 10:19 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
A big question for those that have children. What are people's opinions on how long someone should wait till introducing children to a new partner? What about having a S.O. move in with you while you have children in the house? I'm trying to work on the parenting agreement with my WW, and we are trying to be fair and appropriate in regards to future partners and timelines/appropriateness. Our main focus in on the well being of our child.
I know it also depends on the person and seriousness of the relationship (for example, I know there is a big difference between a boyfriend moving in and a fiance/husband/wife moving in).
Any thoughts are welcome.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky
Posts: 660 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 32380
| Posted: 11:35 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
One year before meeting them.
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 42092
| Posted: 11:42 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I can bet you'll be more careful about timing than your WW. Moving in, I would say two years. I mean, that's a big deal. But maybe one is a more enforceable limit. Meeting someone...is this abstract or is it the OM? In the abstract, I don't know, six months? But with waywards I am not sure how much you can count on any reasonable discretion.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Posts: 3830 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 35695
| Posted: 11:55 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I've been with my SO for 14 months, I waited about 8 months before he met the kids and he stayed here for the first time last weekend.
My 18 year old DS is fine with him, my 16 year old DD is horrified that he is intruding on her home life. I have the kids 100% of the time so if they had been a lot younger and I couldn't have left them home alone, I guess he would have met them earlier.
If the kids spent any time with their father I don't think I'd have him sleep here when they are home.
At this time I wouldn't have him move in while my daughter is too young to move out,she has no where else to go and although it's my house it's her home. He is starting to come around more often for dinner etc. so perhaps things will change as they get to know each other.
Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown
Posts: 469 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 42777
| Posted: 1:51 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
Going through a divorce and mine introduced 4 mos after papers filed. She's blending families already. Who knows? It's tacky and immoral for some and in her case She will be engaged in no time even before the ink is dry. Kids are confused, but resilient. She couldn't care for her own kids full time but somehow is mother to the world with his. My kids are small but it depends I imagine as part of it taking into consideration the ages.
Divorce sucks. Hope grass is greener.
[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 1:55 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 36126
| Posted: 2:40 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
If you are getting separated then I would put no one who isn't family spending overnights but that means you as well. For the kids sake and your own I think that is key.
If you are getting divorced depending on age and the factors of the divorce living separate etc for years I would still say at least a year. That is the general suggestion by experts more for the kids to establish a new relationship with the single parent.
I personally believe in the year because I would want to know after what they went through I wouldn't want to just bring in someone who would do the same thing and abandon the family. After a year not guaranteed but a bit more permanent.
Posts: 875 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 36445
| Posted: 2:52 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
Dating to meeting the children 1 year.
Moving in 2 years.
This is based on what my IC advised the exwh. He didn't agree though and had introduced the children before we had separated and moved her in a week after we announced we were separating. Let just say it's been a shit fight for the kids in this time. They still to this day hate the OWifestress.
"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.
Posts: 1286 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 30346
| Posted: 6:57 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
Generally, these are not enforceable in court. They are considered civil issues, so just keep that in mind when "deciding".
EX and I stated no overnight visitors if kids were in the house. We also agreed to inform the other person if there was a serious relationship and that person was going to meet the children so we could handle as a united front.
No moving in unless married.
So… 3 years later, how much of that do you think EX stuck to? Yup, none of it.
I just let ex do whatever the hell he wanted. I knew the kids would see him for what he is…and this allows me (when the time is right, obviously) to appropriately handle my own relationships. I will introduce when I think it is appropriate, etc.
For example, I took a hard approach to my kids never meeting guys I date. But, now, I think it is appropriate for them to KNOW I date. so, my last SO came and picked me up for a date while the kids were home. It shows how I expect to be treated by a man I am dating, and teaches the kids what is appropriate in a dating relationship. It was like almost 2.5 months in before SO came to pick me up for dinner, briefly said hi to the kids and we left. Then kids and I talked about it. Two years ago I would never have considered doing that.
So, my point, over time your feelings will change.
[This message edited by cmego at 6:58 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Posts: 4055 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 24210
| Posted: 7:34 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
I am with cmego....this agreement is only as good as the parties that sign it.
We have a clause in ours that has no sleepovers with the opposite sex/non-relative when he has the kiddos. He just blew it off and did what he wanted (ie moved in the GF and her son).
So while it is great that forethought is going into it, it can go array at the drop of a hat.
Keep in mind this agreement is to span the timeline of your children's youth. So don't even think about this in regards to their current ages...but as they are late teens, etc.
Anyway - that wasn't what you were asking (bonus info )
I have been D for four years and never inter-mingled anyone I dated until now. I just felt no reason too. The current situation is different because we both have full custody so coordinating kid-free time has been challenging. It is do'able - just like a mega jigsaw puzzle. We introduced some of the kiddos around the 2 month mark. Just low-key...went to Disney on Ice, etc. and we only do this about once a month or so.
If you guys are sharing custody (ie giving the other parent time to privately date), I see no reason you can't have a longer timeline in there (ie 1 year). You can always add that standard clause of "this agreement may be amended by mutual consent" which would give each of you the option to introduce sooner if you agreed upon it.
Moving in? IDK....that is a toughie!
Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
Posts: 2015 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
|Topic Posts: 9|