I stumbled across the word "koinonia" while focusing my attention on what it means to fellowship.
Recently I have been drawn to posts that have fellow SI'ers talking about feeling isolated and alone. I thought I would use this thread to sharpen a concept that has been floating in my head for a bit.
The idea of what draws people to adultery.
At first, thanks to my codependent nature, I thought my wifes affair was about me...resulting in me falsely thinking I could fix it. Then I thought it was about the OM....resulting in me falsely thinking I could "beat him" and save my marriage. Then I realized it, like all other affairs, are about the person choosing to engage in them....it was about my wife. I can not change my wife....and this is when my real journey through adultery started. Kind of a jagged, wierd start...but that is the truth.
But it still left me wondering what the attraction to such dreadfully, KNOWN destructive actions. I get the whole endorphins-chemical reaction physical stuff that takes place. But surely there must be a tie to bringing two people together to commit adultery even before the chemically induced, torrid sex thing starts...right?
I think the answer is yes.
Koinonia is that answer, that tie.
Koinonia is what brings SI members together.
Koinonia is "fellowship, sharing in common, communion".
My wife and her fAP were drawn to each other by their similar desires....a common thread. A desire to engage in false intimacy and, I submit, a fear of real intimacy.
FOO coping mechs are developed, in part, because of a serious LACK of koinonia within the family unit.
My family did not have a deep sense of fellowship, or a common core. I did not get a sense of unity or belonging in my family growing up. My wife's family operated in similar fashion. But we are hard wire to fellowship with one another. "It is not good for man to be alone". We still desire to be with others.
I am drawn to fellowship with SI members over the common hurt of adultery. LA44, Sisoon, KarmaHappens etc.....could be ANYONE who shares a strong common experience. While I am grateful for these, and other, specific people....I could have joined 6 years ago and found the same comfort but with different folks.
This is why I believe it is true that my wifes fAP was not a unique factor in her decision to commit adultery. He just happened to be the man with similar brokenness in close proximity to my wife. This was the first man that I did not know that she was alone with any amount of time at all. He was the first real opportunity to do what she desired to do. He reportedly had an affair before my wife, and found another within two months of dumping my wife. So he was already primed for what he was going to engage with with my wife.
However, while I conceed my wife did not intentionally seek him out for as a full blown adultery partner, her "innocent" stage lasted a very short time....and intentional actions were chosen by her to take her down that slope to adultery. She put out a vibe that told him she was open to fellowship with him.
This is why the search for a fWS "why" is so critical. Look how many people are broken in similar fashions...look at the conservative stats and it will tell you just how open these tempting yet destructive relationships are. I believe I could have chosen an affair, but had a few key boundaries in place to keep the opportunities away. Philisophically, I can see some draw to affairs in the easy, no strings attached, cake-eating aspect of them. This is why RA was such a temptation for me. Perhaps this is one aspect that drew my wife and I together originally....a common brokenness too?
I just read a post of a BS whose husband has had years and years of repeated affairs. His wife has had multiple DD's spanning those years. Not talking about 1 DD after a LTA....talking about repeatable, predictable patterns. My heart hurts for her. Sadly, some people choose to embrace this brokennes rather than find the courage to address and work on it.
Since our orignal respective families lacked koinonia, is there much hope for our family to break this cycle?
Will it take two? Yes.
Where does a persons motivation come from?
Million dollar question really.
I have been fooled by my wife before, and my trusting of her caused me a great deal of pain.
Koinonia is challenged now. While we both are in pain over her affair, it is NOT common-pain. It is decisive pain.
We have added hazards such as replacing previous unhealthy choices with new unhealthy choices.
You cannot grow past what you do not know.
Left to our own accord, I would give our M about a 3% chance of healthy R.
Koinonia is a key component.
It is foolish to think the same twisted minds that got our M to the point it was are the same twisted minds that will get us to a new spot. We need fellowship, we need koinonia.
Reaching out to healthy people is a large key....a key to not only surviving infidelity, but to growing to our fullest potential.
God is with us all.