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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Vulnerability and peace
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple things happened this week.

Been feeling "blah" about myself. Trying to work on things, and while there is progress, sometimes the "blah" still hits. QS and I were talking the other night. The kids were sleeping. The house was quiet. I took a deep breath and said, "I feel really insecure and icky about...." I shared my insecurity in an extremely vulnerable, crazy moment.

And you know how sometimes you open up to people and they pooh-pooh your insecurity, or try to reassure you, but it doesn't feel right? It just feels hollow? Anyone ever got that before? And sometimes it's not actually the other person. Sometimes its yourself. Your own internal battles that you project onto them.

I watched his face. Waiting. His entire face changed. Softened. His eye were liquid. They were insanely gentle. I dunno. Can't really describe it. Anyhoo, he opened his mouth and said he understood my insecurities, he saw them, but they didn't hold him back, they aren't the definition of me, and he loves me regardless. I heard him. I mean really heard him.

I made a conscious decision to speak and listen without automatically pinning his reaction and response in the category with my haters. His reaction and response were his, and his alone. And I chose to believe him.

This morning we were talking. And I realized that his speech is changing. His ideas are changing. I haven't said anything. I've encouraged him, and am doing what I can to support, but his changes have to come from within. Its happening. Not how I expected. But its happening regardless. And there is evidence of that more and more each day.

Simple phrases. Simple observations. But the impact is huge. I hear contentment in his voice. I see it in his actions. He has rearranged his priorities and wishes and dreams. He hasn't compromised. He isn't defeatist. There is a difference. He said, "I look at Mr. X as a role model. He doesn't have much. But he is so happy and content. That's what I want for us."

Oh. Em. Gee people, you have no idea. No idea how huge that is. The realization that "stuff" can't and won't give you peace and contentment. The realization that "stuff" isn't security. That if you have "stuff" it doesn't guarantee happiness if there is inner turmoil. And that killing yourself to get it is selling yourself short. Growing up with nothing and no peace/contentment is hard. You idealize that "stuff" will fill the void. But it doesn't. In the quest for "stuff" there is always something bigger or better out of reach. And you look and see people with "stuff" who are still incredibly unhappy. And you realize you have to find a balance. And that peace and contentment come not from outside, but inside.

He's sitting there on the phone preaching me a mini sermon on this and tears are streaming down my face. Because he spoke with conviction. He spoke with peace. He has tried to find the balance before but he always lacked one element. Genuine peace. Something every human craves. He's wanted it for so long. And he's getting there. One step at a time.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
stroppy_wanadoo
♀ Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a wonderful thing to read. I'm so happy for you and QS both!

I wish I had something eloquent and moving to say, but I don't. I just wanted you to know I think this is fantastic!


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Jul 2006
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there was a "Like" button I would hit it a million times over.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie)))

I am so happy for you and QS both individually and as a team.

And so very proud of you both too! It takes a lot of courage to open up and share those vulnerable parts of ourselves. And he responded to your laying out your feelings beautifully and sincerely. And you allowed him to comfort you and reassure you when needed that. You and QS are making so much progress and building a beautiful life together.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 194 | Registered: Sep 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie)))

What a great thing to read today...so very proud of you both!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197932 | Registered: May 2002
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great to hear, Aubrie. I'm happy for the both of you


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 316 | Registered: Oct 2011
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goosebumps here.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Its been sooooo bumpy for sooooo long. Then he admitted his depression/rock bottom and Lord, it was tough. I've never seen him so lost and broken.

I'm not saying he's 100% A-ok or he's "over it". But he's finding strength. Legit strength. He's changing. Legit changes. It's quiet. Like him. It's gradual. He doesn't accept change easily. But each positive movement forwards is crushing walls to powder.

We've both done a million versions of "fake it till ya make it" or "try till it sticks". Finally something clicks and its like, "Oh.That's what we've been searching for!"

I'm not deluding myself. Bad days are inevitable. That's life. But I'm holding onto these small victories. I'm so proud of him. I'm proud to stand beside him. To be able to say, "That is *my* man. This is *our* journey. We've fought thru hell and back. Suck it Life's Battles. We're kicking your butts."


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is outstanding. How wonderful for both of you.

Posts: 7214 | Registered: Dec 2010
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37247 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woot woot!

'Yay' for Aubrie and (((QS.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2107 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suck it Life's Battles.

Yeah! Suck it!

Beautiful positive post in the shitstorm that is Wayward Side. Thanks.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie and QS,
so glad to hear that. It has been a tough time recently, but I hope the progress continues. it won't be linear, but cumulative hopefully. thinking of you two.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,

There is so much growth in your posts, for both of you. This is good stuff! Thanks for sharing.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37750 | Registered: Sep 2007
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not deluding myself. Bad days are inevitable. That's life. But I'm holding onto these small victories. I'm so proud of him. I'm proud to stand beside him. To be able to say, "That is *my* man. This is *our* journey. We've fought thru hell and back. Suck it Life's Battles. We're kicking your butts."

This is perfect!!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this post the other day and I sooo wanted to say that this was awesome. Vulnerability is tough, it just is. So WTG.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4956 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TG.

Its been brutal. But we're chuggin' along.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it has. I have been watching the issues with your family as well. FOO issues suck. And no or limited contact is difficult. It feels like abandonment, but in reverse. It will get better. I promise.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4956 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful!!!!

Wonderful post!

((((Aubrie & QS))))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FOO issues suck. And no or limited contact is difficult. It feels like abandonment, but in reverse. It will get better. I promise.
Actually had a breakthru yesterday morning.

My sister and I were talking. She finally told what I had suspected. She'd sat down with Mother and told her why she felt certain ways and how much dad hurt her. Mother said she understood and that she had no idea. Enter a very superficial relationship. My sister is able to call, text, or visit with her as long its very superficial. She even invited my FOO to her house. Mother responsed, "Your dad wont "hang out" with people if he knows there are underlying issues. But if you and your husband want to come talk to Daddy and apologize for how the way things went down, I'm sure that would help a great deal."

Cool. So as long as we "rugsweep" to a degree, we are more than welcome to chase a relationship and go on their turf. However, for it to reciprocate, we must apologize for stepping out of line. Nooooo thank you. Hell will freeze over before I betray myself like that.

So anyway as we're talking and I'm hearing that she is managing a superficial relationship with Mother, I'm tortured. Am I being too stubborn? Am I being bratty? Do I need to put myself out there more? And this is something I've struggled with for months. My sister said, "You have to do what's best for you and your husband." And I know this. Its not new. However, QS put up with their crap for years. His "give a dang" is so broke, if I never speak to FOO again, he is totally cool with it. But.....are we being overdramatic?

Then she said, "As long as you have peace with God and yourself, that's all that matters." She's said that 100 times. But as the conversation progressed, it started coming to me. If I knew that I or my FOO were to drop dead tomorrow, what would I feel? How would I feel? Would I change anything? And it hit me. I wouldn't. I have done the best that I can with the circumstances I've been given. Sure, I would feel sadness and a sense of regret because I know it could have been different. But I can say I wouldn't be scrambling, trying to apologize, trying to smooth things over, or to fix it, before I or them died. This is the way things are.

I finally, finally, FINALLY realized, that's ok. I'm doing the right thing for me. Doesn't matter that my sister is doing something different. Doesn't matter that it looks like I'm just being a witch to them. I'm standing up for myself and my family in the best way possible for us.

That weight is gone. I found my peace about it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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