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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what to do?
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWS has made quite a bit of progress. The change is glaring in many areas. But I sense that all of the progress has been made by chance.

The feel the guidance that she has received from C and sponsor is severely lacking. At best it seems to be a waste of time. At worst it gives a false sense of progress, since she relies solely on them for suggestion on what work to do.

I have voice my concerns but they seem to go unheard. I have voiced them for years and the consequences have gotten progressively worse.

Do I say something more? Or is this her process to figure out? What do I say and how do I say it?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I sense that all of the progress has been made by chance

I don't understand this, can you go into it further?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have voice my concerns but they seem to go unheard. I have voiced them for years and the consequences have gotten progressively worse.

Are the concerns the same? Are you seeing the same behaviors return or are there new concerns?

Does she validate your concerns and then not back them up with actions? Or is she not even receptive?


Do I say something more? Or is this her process to figure out? What do I say and how do I say it?

I feel as though this is tough to judge without being there, kwim? But off the cuff, If I was watching what I thought to be a downward spiral (for lack of a better term, your sitch may be less dramatic) I would have to speak up, make my fears known and back them up with examples of previous behaviors/events.

Depending on the severity I would also have to consider my next course of action in case I need to protect myself going forward.

I would let my husband know if x+y produced z I may have to take a,b,c, action going forward.

Once I have stated my position clearly I would have to let him figure out his issue. I cannot make his changes, I can only support while he does the work.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing that comes to my mind when I read this is a huge long-term issue between me and H; a kind of 'inferiority' complex in him. Is it possible that she has felt inferior to you at some point in time, or even presently?

I have absolutely no idea about your relationship, but I know that when I found myself thinking along the lines you describe it always came down to superior/inferior impressions/assumptions/FOO issues etc.

I have to work hard to understand that just because certain activities help me or are important to me (therapy, self-help books), I cannot expect that my partner will experience the same thing. It has been really difficult for me to consider the possibility that there may be a different way for him to work things out. When I offer this suggestion, I find he feels heard and is more willing to put some serious effort into listening to my needs and taking action.

Often times, my comfort with communication and expressing myself and describing all I've learned from therapy and books contributes to the long-term (pre-A) inferiority issues. Things like my family all completing university, none of his. 'Class' difference ideals. I totally know that this is his shit to deal with, but it's also mine to consider and provide some empathy with. It takes the power of the offense away when I can understand some of where it is coming from and where we can head with it.

Dunno, some days I think I'm just trying to justify an asshole. Other days I see how amazingly improved our relationship is and am motivated to continue for it.

I also think that any two people who enter relationship are going to experience struggle to achieve real love, real intimacy and genuine connections to each other. And fuck beans, I will do all I can to see if I can make it work with the father of my children, and my partner of 15 years before I ever give this much to another adult.

[This message edited by eachdayisvictory at 1:28 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess what I mean by chance is partially white-knuckling it and the relief of the shame from hiding a double life. Simply just stopping the cycle of destructive behaviors.

There has been little or no digging into the past. Both C and sponsor focus on today and if today was good then all is good. There are no why's besides this is what I have always done. So don't do it again and everything will be fine.

There has been no backsliding. Or new behaviors that I see. But there never was before. Everything would seem stable for a while then boom shit would hit the fan all of a sudden.

Its more that she is not very receptive to my concerns. Like she doesn't want to rock the boat with their direction. As long as they validate her present that is all that matters.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply just stopping the cycle of destructive behaviors.

I wonder if this is comfortable for her? IMO treading water gets exhausting. At some point don't you have to build a boat and climb aboard it?


There has been little or no digging into the past.

For me, I need to see change, not just avoid old behaviors. I needed the lightbulb moments, the growth and learning challenge me.

To do better, to walk straighter. Finding answers and righting my wrongs have brought me a peace inside Chicho, I would worry if she is white knuckling and not really resolving issues she won't find that peace inside.

The peace has saved my life, not from death, but a definite misery.

Both C and sponsor focus on today and if today was good then all is good. There are no why's besides this is what I have always done. So don't do it again and everything will be fine.

Then you have this pov ^^ if it works for them who I am I to judge their method?

Ultimately I think broevil has to be content with her recovery. If it brings her relief and she is content with the direction her life is taking now you have to decide if that's enough for you as well.

I am concerned though that she isn't receprive to your concerns. After all our learning and healing we both still have times where we want to escape back to old coping strategies. We both need to listen to the other when we are called out on it, I think it's important.

I wouldn't accept not communicating about what you feel are issues.

You deserve to be heard.



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then you have this pov ^^ if it works for them who I am I to judge their method?

Oooh no, I am judging the hell out of it.

But shouldn't she be the one judging it?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oooh no, I am judging the hell out of it.

I think I might have been...more of a hmmmm


I dunno if she should be judging it. If she has found these folks and they are doing well maybe she is afraid to move left or right, kwim?

I know there are other ways to heal because I chose a different route, but maybe this is how broevil needs to do it.

I don't understand (not judging) the not digging...how do you fix a hole in the dam without pulling it apart and making repairs? I feel like when you patch things they are bound to leak again.

Maybe your need for her to question their ways are more based on your own fears? What are the views of the rest of this community? Do they have a typical "healing pattern"?

She may be well on her way and what you "see" is being dirtied by your own interpretation. I think she needs to open up more to explain the povs here, it would make me feel safer if I understood.

Sorry, I am absolutely no help. I bring more questions than answers.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:04 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that is just it Karma....

It seems to be working. It feels different than it ever has. Her relationships with everyone, family, kids, herself, are blossoming.

But dispite that evidence I still feel uneasy because it was not my path. It was not the generally accepted path of this community.
It is not a path I understand, just like eachdayisvictory said.

Which by the way I think the inferiority hits our situation spot on, thank you.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

think she needs to open up more to explain the povs here, it would make me feel safer if I understood
.
YES!!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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