Except for one very big thing..
I don't trust him further than I can spit. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, even when my gut is telling me he's being truthful. In reality, I'm afraid of believing him because I trusted him before, when he gaslighted me, when I believed all of his lies. Now, I'm too scared, too terrified of missing something that would point to his deceitfulness again. Terrified of believing a lie. Terrified of trusting. Trust but verify, isn't that what we should all do?
But it's such a strain living like this. Such a strain feeling unsafe. Such a strain doubting whether staying was the right decision.
I thought it would get better. I thought time would heal, but it's just made me feel scared of staying with someone capable of such heinous deceit, whilst apparently he still loved me. Ha!
Guess thus is a vent. When they say 3 - 5 years, when does the trust come back? Does it ever?
[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:08 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
D Day 11 November 2012
You can't scale a mountain in a single step
It took me about four years to really begin to trust that he would never do this again....mind you, my WH faced many, many consequences of his actions and dumped OW on D-Day, a different scenario than yours.
Having said that, my WH TT me to death, so although I believe he would never go down this path again, sometimes even today I question things he tells me as it was so easy for him to lie for so long.
I will never feel as safe in my marriage as I did before D-day. What we had was blind trust, something he no longer deserves from me nor can I ever give it again.
You will get there...18 months is really not a long time in the world of infidelity.
When I discovered his affair, he told so many wacky lies to cover-up proven lies that it was almost comical what he twisted into a story. What he did make me believe is what a conman I had married. When he had the opportunity to fess-up, he just kept trying to lie out of it. The sad part of it, in retrospect, is that I don't think he could help himself. I think it was an automatic response for him to lie about it. And yes, I do wonder what I might have been lied to about in the 25 yrs. prior to Dday.
I know some here were fortunate to have a forthright explanation of the affair circumstance, from the start. That is not to understate your pain of an affair. But, probably most are just like me. That is why, I live in 'hope' of trust. There is a maybe trust that is building again, but it is not the same. And, why should it be, we are not the same.
I'm having to second guess his every move. I make myself open his mail, fearing that at any time he could by lying to my face like he did before.
Today I discovered, not a second phone, but an invoice for a second number when I opened his mail. So I phoned this unfamiliar number and he answered. His explanation was that it was a work phone, but he'd lost it, so he got any calls from that number transferred through to his regular phone. The invoice basically showed that no calls had been made from it. He showed me other invoices going back months, all clean.
He showed me enough paperwork to prove he was telling the truth, but you know what? I don't care. I want to be with someone I can trust, not someone I have to keep checking up on all the time.
I know life is never perfect, but, and I would never, ever say this to his face, but I now feel I've settled for second best, over D.
This is the only place that I could ever admit this. In my life I put on an act that everything is great, we're ok. But it's not, it's really not.
What my future holds really frightens me if I choose to stay.
I trust that he knows that if it happens again, I am gone.
I trust that I am strong enough to walk.
I trust that he is working hard to be trustworthy.
I trust that our connection is one that we are both working on every day.
But do I truly, really to the depth, trust him.
I guess the fact that I hesitate to answer, is the answer. I don't know if that overriding trust that he is always my soft place to fall, will ever come back. I just don't know.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I often feel like my love for him is fading away because of all this. I don't want it to, but perhaps he's dealt a fatal blow and our relationship is slowly dying. IDK, time will tell.
I think you are right on target for where you are time wise. I remember being where you are…still checking, still doubting, still not trusting. ITS.EXHAUSTING. and no way to live. It is not sustainable.
Do I trust my husband? Hmmm…not totally. But between 18-24 months, I started to let go of trying to control and I began TO TRUST MYSELF.
Like Skan, I know I will leave. Do I want to? No. Will I be sad? Yes. But something else happened in those last six months… I came to acceptance about the fact that I cannot control him, even checking on him doesn't guarantee he won't cheat again. I might know a little sooner if I checked everyday and was vigilant with every text etc… But it is no way to live. I will live happy. And if he does cheat again, I have come to accept that that is on him. I think I will feel sorry for him actually, but I know I will be ok.
[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:53 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
I came to acceptance about the fact that I cannot control him, even checking on him doesn't guarantee he won't cheat again. I might know a little sooner if I checked everyday and was vigilant with every text etc… But it is no way to live. I will live happy. And if he does cheat again, I have come to accept that that is on him. I think I will feel sorry for him actually, but I know I will be ok.
exactly this. I'm tired of checking. I'm tired of everything. I checked 1000 times and everything was above level. IT took about two years. I care less now. And have put other things in my life above the fact that I could be hurt again. I think that's what has helped the most. I know this is tough. very tough...
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
ITS.EXHAUSTING. and no way to live. It is not sustainable
Nope, will never trust him. My H is a pathological liar.
I do trust that if I am unhappy, I am out!
Both feet pointed forward; positive