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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: lost it
bluejay21
♂ New Member
Member # 43137
Stop  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only two weeks, but I keep being asked the same questions. I answer them, I have no reason to lie. I have been caught and no reason to to not answer all question, but it does not matter answering them true fully makes a different, I got mad for all the same questions, said thing I really did not mean. It does not seem to matter what I do to show I what this to work. I do love my wife and sorry for what I did. I can't take it back, it happened, it feels like the first day she found out. I just don't know what to do. I am still angry. I don't think she thinks I am trying.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: bluejay21
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think she thinks I am trying.

That's because from her perspective your not.

A very important part of helping your BS heal is to answer questions truthfully without becoming defensive or angry, no matter how many times the same questions are asked over and over again.

We get it. Every time a question is asked and answered we WS's feel the pain of what we have done.

Your distraught BS is trying to process and make sense of this shit storm you have created for her. Your pain and shame is nothing in comparison to her pain.

This process of repeatadly asking and answering questions so your BS can come to terms with your cheating will take months, maybe years.

Ask yourself, are you up for it?

Can you be humble?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:47 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BS is traumatised, she cannot remember all the details you give her each time she asks a question. So she has to keep asking them over and over. It's completely normal and it is absolutely vital that you never become frustrated or angry with her for asking questions. You owe her a HUGE apology for becoming defensive.

Think about it like this. Your BS is sat on the floor attempting to put together a puzzle. This puzzle has 100,000 pieces, you are holding all those pieces in your lap, handing her one piece at a time and only you can see the picture of the finished puzzle on the front of the box. While attempting the almost impossible task of putting together this puzzle, your BS also has concussion because you hit her over the head. She is confused, feeling physically sick, disorientated and isn't really sure who you are anymore.

She needs the answers to her questions to be given in a loving and understanding way. Show her the picture on the box, get down on the floor with her and help her put the puzzle together. Don't throw the pieces around the room in frustration because she's finding it difficult.

Be patient. Be loving. Help her.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is normal for waywards to get frustrated with the healing process. One step forward, two steps back is really difficult to handle and let's face it, none of us here have great coping mechanisms at the start! It's hard to know what to do and how to help.

I find examining the route cause of my frustration helps. I remind myself that I'm not actually angry or frustrated with my BH, I'm angry and frustrated with myself for causing him this pain and sometimes being completely inept at helping him.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You wrote in your initial post that you would do whatever it takes.

Will you?

Do whatever it takes?

Whatever is takes may be patiently, calmly, humbly answering the same questions 100 times. For the next two months. Or two years.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1178 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenbuttrying,

I find examining the route cause of my frustration helps. I remind myself that I'm not actually angry or frustrated with my BH, I'm angry and frustrated with myself for causing him this pain and sometimes being completely inept at helping him.

^^^This and being so inept at completely understanding myself.

BlueJay,

Keep on working. You will be asked a thousand times by your BS. Just keeping answering and being honest. This is the hardest thing you'll ever go through. I'm only 15 months out but keep fighting every day. It's worth it.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 443 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
brokeback
♀ Member
Member # 41726
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's trying to process, take it all in and understand. She's stuck on the why's and how's. She needs to hear it as many times as she needs to hear it from you.

If it's what she needs, give it to her.

Look her in the eyes, tell her you shouldn't have lost your cool, take a deep breath and let her process what's happened again and again.

It's uncomfortable for you. It's hurtful for you. She feels all of that too, on top of feeling all over the place emotionally.

This is the time when you SIT and listen and speak when asked to speak. You are not in control. You are not dictating how this plays out. It's all about HER right now.

Give that to her. See where it takes you.

[This message edited by brokeback at 6:43 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


ME 43
BS 38
1 Child 3 years old
Married 18 years
DDay - 10/2013. EA 9 months. PA 4 months. Ended the affair 11/2014



Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluejay,

I have so done this too. And I know it can be frustrating but as others have told you, it's what she needs. For me in the beginning I thought this was taking steps backwards and often times after I thought we had taken one forward. But only she gets to decide what she needs to hear and often times I after I got frustrated I would calm down and think " I said I would do whatever it takes and I am getting mad about her asking questions!" For me, when I thought about it, I wasn't mad at her for asking the same questions again as much as I was mad at what I did, how much I hated what I did, answering questions that made me feel lower then dirt. It hurt me to say and admit those things about myself. And all she is trying to do is understand and process. In the end, often those discussions, the ones that I have the most too, dug the deepest so to speak....probably helped her and I the most. It's hard when you wanna make ground and every question asked to you has a bad answer....I know. But, you can do this, you can do better, you will eventually be able to stop getting upset by the same questions when you stop making them about you and start making answering them again about her.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenButTrying - I find examining the route cause of my frustration helps.

This is where you should be looking when this happens. Because, as others have said, this questioning may go on for a long time.

There are two scenarios for the WS; getting caught and confessing. I think that getting caught is tougher because you haven't really hit rock bottom, IMO. In other words, you weren't ready to go through this in the same way that someone who confesses might be ready. When you get to your own rock bottom, and I understand you probably feel like you are there already, you may experience this feeling of surrender. It's like you finally realize and accept what you did. I think there is a difference between knowing what you did and working to make things better, and really, finally accepting it and feeling like you are laying there naked and bleeding with nothing left to hide. Or, another image that may fit some folks is that point at which you really truly give up everything to God. I'm not overly religious, but there have been a couple of times in my life where it just felt like there was so much, so much very heavy stuff on my back, and I remember just thinking in my head, "God, I can't do this anymore. I need help" and literally there would be this feeling of the load being lightened.

IDK, each person will have their own experience. If you are answering the questions over and over just because your BW wants/needs it, and you are committed to doing whatever she needs, well, that's pretty good, but if you aren't doing it for yourself too, then maybe you haven't really hit that point of surrender...

just my two cents.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Topic Posts: 9

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