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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Were they always this stupid?
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
DOH!  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And we just didn't notice? I can say that I am a reasonably intelligent woman and for the greater part of my former marriage, xWH was a very intelligent man. In fact, I told more that one person over the course of 17 years that he was the smartest man I had ever met. Since the A and his involvement with OWifetress he has become absolutely ignorant. Or maybe I just became smarter, I don't know. I do know that I have met and followed so many very likable and intelligent people on this site and I constantly shake my head at the "Adventures in Infidelity" courtesy of our collective ex spouses.

Tesla and exshat and stripperwhore.
Pass and The Princess
AD and CXW
Justjim and Hell Bitch
Caregiver and her ex with the new Tatar Twat
and so, so many more.

I cannot believe that we all could be sucked in and fooled for so long by the idiots we now deal with. I don't think for one second that xWH could have "pretended" to be as smart as he was for so long without myself, our families and friends seeing this depth of idiocy within him, cause we all sure see it now. It's like a flaming bonfire in the middle of nowhere, I swear you could see the stupid on him from space.

So, what say you? Were they always this stupid or did the infidelity and being caught and living out loud strip them of all semblance of intelligence?


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1673 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They say that every cell in your body is replaced every ten years. For some reason, their cells started mutating into 'stupid' cells about, oh, five or ten years ago.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No mine is smart. She fooled me. I suspected A but she blinded me with her deception. However, she has definetely become morally retarded. In fact mt WW had become so moraly handicapped I think she can now park closer to the entrance of department stores.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of them are marvelous mirrors. I read a long time ago that certain "hollow" people seek out what they know is missing in themselves so they have a frame of reference. I know I made him a better person! His family said it. I held him to a standard that was acceptable to me and he lived up to it on the surface. He projected what I wanted and he was GOOD at it. But it was an act. And he got tired of the act.

To some degree are we all living up to expectations of society or others? maybe. But my expectations are my own. My internal moral compass belongs to me. I don't live my life for what it looks like to others. Stretch did. Stretch does. He just changed who he was living for to suit what he wanted to feed inside himself.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5569 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver, I have heard the mirror thing before and to tell the truth, xWH was the moral compass of our family for a very long time. He was the one who taught me, he was the one who was black and white and no gray areas. He let the gray in when he started his A and it consumed his life. I never thought he was stupid but living in the gray sure has made him that way.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1673 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex-shat also has no core personality. I was what he wanted to be. I became his conscience. He rose to what I was. My codependency didn't help and neither did his.

I was his touchstone. Unfortunately for him, it didn't fill the black hole inside him. He would always say that he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better than him. He leaves and his life becomes utter and complete shit...because he's surrounded himself with utter and complete shit.

I picked poorly. I kick myself a lot for having been unable to spot that he was reflecting and not being. Very hard lesson to learn...but the good news is that I can pick these types out very quickly now.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it is about black and white or gray. I would imagine that trying to live purely in a black or white world would be impossible and draining. Losing sight though of what is damaging and failing to care that actions hurt others... that is what I was thinking about.

I also think that many of the characteristics that make a good co-dependent are attractive to cheaters. I think that an entitled person exploiting a person's kindness, generosity and compassion is the most devastating combination. And I see it played out over and over here.

I believe it is possible for a person to change. To "go to the dark side." I have decided that Stretch didn't change, he just changed tactics. Perhaps you xWH did change. The midlife crisis is a real phenomenon. Maybe there was nothing to notice in your case until there was?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5569 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With hindsight and the wisdom we gain through this process it's easy for me to see the cracks now. Up until d day I was perfectly willing to accept her flaws and I assumed she'd accept mine. Silly me.

And I call her Dummy. It's what I used to call her dog


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 682 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He leaves and his life becomes utter and complete shit...because he's surrounded himself with utter and complete shit.
If ya hang around trash, ya can't come out clean.
However, she has definetely become morally retarded. In fact mt WW had become so moraly handicapped I think she can now park closer to the entrance of department stores.
This is more my theory on wayward thinking. Moral bankruptcy and emotional illiteracy.

[This message edited by outside4me at 12:10 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts?

Every one of us has flaws,issues and poor coping mechanisms. But it's our choices that matter. Our choices, minute by minute, change who we are, minute by minute. Our conscience/moral compass etc help us to make better choices, so despite our flaws, most people keep on the socially acceptable/moral path, albeit with a few blips.

Some of us, when we make poor choices, try to cover it up, some of us take this further and are in self-denial about these poor choices. Either way, if we don't recognise when we get things wrong and try to put them right (even if it's only stopping ourselves from doing it again by putting better boundaries in place)...then we make more and more poor choices, going in a downwards spiral. The more poor choices we make, the more our poor choices change us for the worse, until we no longer resemble who we were.

So I think it's both. The groundwork for who they are now was always there, but it's their poor choices that have transformed them for the worst. And without us there to give more of a voice to morality/conscience etc, the more exaggerated their poor choices...especially if they now surround themselves only with people who agree with them.

On dday, we became a brutal mirror to them, showing them their every flaw. Remorseful WS faced it with courage. Unremorseful WS refused to look and blamed the mirror.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 719 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They say that every cell in your body is replaced every ten years. For some reason, their cells started mutating into 'stupid' cells about, oh, five or ten years ago.

she has definetely become morally retarded. In fact mt WW had become so moraly handicapped I think she can now park closer to the entrance of department stores.

LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!

(composed now)

greater part of my former marriage, xWH was a very intelligent man. In fact, I told more that one person over the course of 17 years that he was the smartest man I had ever met

Yes.

He projected what I wanted and he was GOOD at it. But it was an act. And he got tired of the act.


Absolutely positively YES.

No. This man wasn't stupid before, his brain and moral code eroded over time with mundane life not filled with sky diving, fast cars and tons of money. Factor immaturity in there behind a good "Elenor Rigby" face he kept in the jar by the door and BOOM. How could ANYONE believe that hiding, lying, cheating, keeping vampire hours to fuel your affair EVER be a GOOD thing? Not unless your brain has fogged over by the devil voices in your head that says THIS skank/asshole that I am meeting on the sly and can't be seen with in broad daylight that I am subjecting myself to a whole petree dish of STDS IS worth risking the loss of EVERYTHING....BUT....somehow the fucked up thinking makes them believe that NOPE...THEY will NEVER get caught and can go back to their lives unscathed.

The brain cells deteriorate because their moral compass opened the door.

[This message edited by Guinness23 at 2:06 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The moron will never have Mensa knocking at his door... But he was certainly not an idiot, but the things coming out of his mouth lAtely.. Even the idiots are calling him stupid

Oh well, I dispose stupid is who stupid does


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of the aspects of the infidelity that still baffles me to this day. I struggle with it all the time.

I actually get that people tire of their mundane life and the possibility of greener grass. It's not nice and it's not right, but I get it.

The most surprising and astonishing thing to get accustomed to is that my now ex was a very intelligent woman, very logical, with common sense and was never irrational. It's why we got on for so many years.

Even when I disregard the infidelity itself and also her immediate reaction when first being found out, her subsequent behaviour just hasn't been that of a clever or sane person.

I mean, who would accuse someone, in front of a judge, of things that could easily be proven otherwise?

Why would someone believe that I would simply walk away and never want to see my children again?

The logic she applies to the finances is actually laughable

Why would she think that the children would be happier with separated parents?

Why does she think that the two judges we had are idiots?

The list is infinite. Even down to the tiniest things. All reason, decency, honesty and intelligence is just gone. Overnight, in her case.

I can now easily see the cracks in her personality and that of her family (which on the surface was a family everone wanted to have) but I was immune before.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I want to grab her shoulders and shake the stupid out of her. But it's pointless. If I shook the stupid out there would be nothing left inside.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 648 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this as well. My X was an Ivy Leaguer, brilliant, seemingly a good man. I was convinced he had a mental breakdown or something for weeks after DDay.

What I've slowly come to realize is that, like many people here, I helped keep what was otherwise a crazy person in line all of these years, because he mirrored me. His family and friends have since said as much several times (now that they see what he's like without me). I suppose you could say that some of that was codependency to a degree (but I would say no more so than anyone else in a long term relationship/marriage). Mostly I am just a pretty stable, good natured, caring person who grew up with a parent who had a temper and personality similar to my X (brilliant but all over the map, constrained by weird habits and fears) and so when X acted that way, I just dealt with it or tuned him out and didn't see his behavior as full of red flags unless it was really outrageous or until his A, when the crazy swung back in my direction.

The cracks were there if you look. But it is crazy-making once you begin to connect those dots and draw a new map of the person you thought you were with.


BS / D

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2013
jackie89
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Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the short answer is YES, they were always this stupid. We failed to see it, because we loved and accepted them as they were.

For the most part they are Intelligent human beings, but common sense stupid. But mostly, it really comes down to them being ENTITLED, and SELFISH, very SELFISH.

I just heard a quote the other day that made me laugh:

Ignorance can be corrected, Stupid is forever!!


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything Tesla said was true for my ex and I too. If we had been together longer, and had a kid, I think I'd be dealing with much of what she deals with now - there are seriously SO MANY similarities between my XH and exshat.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13553 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cracks were there if you look. But it is crazy-making once you begin to connect those dots and draw a new map of the person you thought you were with.

^^yep.

The sad clown was never bright or interesting. He was charming though and is an expert love bomber.

I had enough friends to sate my need for intellectual conversation. I used to tease him that I didn't think he could read - never cracked a single book the entire time I spent with him. I'm a HUGE reader.

He started smoking cigars because tobacco has no nicotine in it - the cigarette companies add nicotine. WTF? I don't know who was more astonished - me that he was so dumb or him when he Googled it. Yes. He had to Google it.

I used to find his simplicity charming. Now I just find him simple. A functioning idjat.

I can't believe I bred with it. My genes and personality traits are dominant in both girls. Phew.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5392 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a little bit of both.

I think we all have some red flags that we let ourselves justify away, but I also think that with my own situation and many I have seen here on SI, that these WS's suddenly lost their damned minds! Some of the behaviors were so sudden and shocking and unexpected, that it's no wonder some of us have a hard time "getting over it". Our lives were a lie and were suddenly shaken to the core.

I think that people can pretend to be something their not for a while, but they can not sustain it forever. Their true self comes out eventually.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3153 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
JerseyCowgirl
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Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes they were
People can fake almost everything to get others to believe in them.
Truly intelligent people stand on principle & honor their promises for they are the ones who are able to look ahead before every decision to see the possible outcomes & consequences of their decisions

Our WS's were unable to do this so they were indeed stupid.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 286 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Dreamboat
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Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, my X is still smart. When he was with me he knew what I required in a mate - responsible, job, involved, motivated, etc. He lived up to those requirements for 20 years. And he fooled me into thinking he loved me as much as I loved him.

However Awhore has no such requirements. Plus he really fooled her -- she thought he had money when *I* was the one making the money. With the help of his family he was able to keep up the "rich" facade after we D and Awhore fell for it, hook line and sinker. It was only after they M that she discovered the truth. And now he is a chronically unemployed deadbeat who mooches off her. Why? Because he can. Careful what you covet bitch!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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