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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What is "in-house" separation?
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just experienced Dday #2 last week. My WH had affair with a subordinate.

While I am taking some time to decide what to do - have appointment with divorce lawyer next week - my question is, what constitutes an IN-HOUSE SEPARATION?

Is this a legal thing or just something couples do
in the midst of all the trauma?

Not committed to divorce yet, just trying to get info to protect my assets. Divorce is an option though....


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't a legal thing. It's an arrangement where the couple both stay in the same house while separated/separating. Some people do it for financial reasons, and sometimes they stay because their lawyer has advised them not to leave the house.

No matter the reason for doing it, it's usually incredibly difficult and stressful beyond description.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25362 | Registered: Aug 2011
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each state is a little different on how they define legal or bona fide separations.

Sometimes states will tell you that it was the last time you shared a bed. If you have been sleeping in separate rooms, but have had sex with your WH while sleeping apart, some laws state that having sex constitutes still being "together as man and wife." Some states require a filing for legal separation. I will tell you it is hard as hell doing in-house separation. We tried it for a short while, but I couldn't do it for long...neither could she. It is just hard to live in the house and try and stay away from each other.

Hope this helps


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 754 | Registered: Dec 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a special kind of torture for masochists like me.

Seriously, I stayed in the martial home with my then-STBX for eight months. From where I'm standing right now, I look back and wonder how in the heck that I did it. Perhaps it was manageable because he was still steeped in guilt after getting caught, so he was being nice to me. The OW also lived a few hours away, so I never encountered her. If they met, it was during his workday since he was never gone otherwise, so he kept his pathetic A out of my face.

If you don't have to do it, then don't bother. We did it to save money and to buy some time before we had to tell the kids. Once I closed on my house, though, I worked very hard to get the heck out of there, and I'm so happy to be in my own place.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Australia it's a legal status only relevant to the mandatory 12m waiting period from S to D. Sleeping in separate beds, cooking own meals, doing own laundry etc.

I don't think it protects any assets or stops you being liable for each other's debt - even those incurred during S.

I did it for 8 weeks after first DD and a few weeks after False R until the house sale settled. It was hell.

If I had my time again I would have thrown him out and sought exclusive use of the house. But I thought it unkind and I wanted to stave off any animosity. It didn't work - he went feral and fucked me over any way he could.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
WestMonroe91
♂ Member
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, it is a weird kind of HELL. I did it for 3 months and was glad when WW moved out last Monday. We did not greet each other. Just moved around the house in silence. Good thing all 3 kids are in college so they avoided the whole strange experience.
I cooked for myself, did my own laundry and clean my own bathroom. She did the same. I think you get the picture.


BS-60 (me)
WS-49
DD-25, DS-21, DS-20

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jan 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this a legal thing or just something couples do
in the midst of all the trauma?

Depending on the state and the laws it "can" be a legal thing. In my state it exists but the standards you have to prove to show you actually did in-house Seperation are so ridiculous it's just easier to physically seperate. Check with a L in your area and they can guide you on what is best. If your WH is still in the A or in the FOG then IMO in-house S will just make things harder for YOU. Even if this was dealbreaker for you and your WS is remorseful, in-house is still tough. If you are leaning towards D then get with an L, get exclusive use of the house if you want to keep it, and kick your WH out. Your healing will go much faster and it's easier to maintain NC.

I did in-house S for 4 months then still had to do a year of physical S prior to my D being final. STBXWW had nowhere to go while she was buildign her house and I couldn't force her out of the house. For me, the 4 months of in-house were worse than the first 4 months after Dday. Nothing sucks more than knowing the M is dead and being stuck in the house with an unremorseful WS that knows things are over. They put the blameshifting and stupidity into overdrive. They don't give a shit about you but you are still trying to detach so they have no problem doing whatever the hell they want and flaunting it in your face while you try to hold things together and detach. Personally I recommend doing a physical S if at all possible if you are headed towards D. If your WH is unremorseful the longer you stay the worse things get. It's your decisions but talk to a L and follow their advice.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:45 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My view on this is that it is separated, but cannot or have not moved yet. We were trying R, but now I will be filing and am considering us separated in-house. I am sure as hell not moving; hopefully, he will. For now, we eat, sleep, and co-exist...that's about it. He considers us still R, but no more!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 975 | Registered: Dec 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a special level of hell all it's own.

It's that limbo period when your WS won't move out and you are stuck sharing a home with them.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, what nekorb said.

And this

Nothing sucks more than knowing the M is dead and being stuck in the house with an unremorseful WS that knows things are over. They put the blameshifting and stupidity into overdrive. They don't give a shit about you but you are still trying to detach so they have no problem doing whatever the hell they want and flaunting it in your face while you try to hold things together and detach.

I'm going on month 6. Can't wait to draw up the eviction notice


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 939 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 10

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