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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She is deleting texts
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has told me repeatedly that I have nothing to worry about with this guy. She says this out of the blue. It's kind of weird.
I love Jrazz reply, preemptive ass cover. I was thinking more of a guilty conscience talking.

You have been through this before. You are right in not bringing a lot of people in. You are right that last time you probably did confront too soon and she tried to lie out of everything.

It will be odd that this guy is staying at your house. I would think if anything was going on at this time, the guy would not be staying at your house, but who knows. Usually the WW like to keep the affair partner away from their husbands.

But you don't like this and you have ever right to not like this. Do you want to stop this now or find complete evidence before you confront her.

Is there any way at all you can read the deleted texts. Read her email, read something to get enough solid to confront her.

I can see you confronted her now and she will be all over you, blaming you for being too suspicious to demanding etc. It will be ALL your fault.


Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking to her will go yet nowhere except she will take it underground. If had to bet, she has probably already slept with him on the ski trip.

If it were me, I would plant a VAR and find a backup file from her phone to get those texts. You need to gather evidence.

It may help, rethinking my first statement here, for you to let her know that there is no negotiation...this is not acceptable to you, particularly in light of your history.

Sux, man- I really feel for you.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 162 | Registered: Apr 2013
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one thing i have learned from all of this crazyness is always always always trust your gut, talk to her now before it gets too out of hand, i am not saying i know your situation but the direction it looks like it is heading you need to squash it and deal with it now, strength brother :)


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for something happening on the ski trip, I find that very unlikely. I know at least one of the women she went with and feel confident she would have told me. I guess anything is possible.

Yeah - don't assume anything. If you are confident that woman would tell you if anything was going on during the trip...then your W would know that and hide it from her as well.

No matter how long ago her A was, she just gives up certain things in life to make sure you are secure in your R and have no doubts. She isn't/hasn't done this for you. She should never place herself in a position that leaves you feeling those gut-screams regardless if this new friend is innocent or not.

She should be over-the-top sensitive of your feelings before inviting this stranger (to you) into their race and into your house.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2245 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...just wow.

I will try to be easy here, but I know what texting can do because my exWW did all this too. And she got "love bomb" running texts from her AP. And she would reply "how inspirational" he was with regards to it. I discovered all this on Dday.

But brother, your head is in the sand on this already I have to say. This is soooo far out there from a boundary standpoint you have no idea because she had a prior affair. Your use of 180 practices is more about rugsweeping to me on your part than anything else. Trying not to fixate on this is not the 180, it's rugsweeping over the fact that she could be emotionally involved again. And I use "could" very loosely here. I will go out on a limb and say she is already involved emotionally with him. Yeah us BS's are usually the last ones to know right?

And what's with all this "running" crap I see on this board with regards to affairs all the time? Seems like I see more affairs develop over "running" people and their running training than I care to read. If it were me I would instruct her she has one choice right now. Quit whatever running relationship she has with this guy and run on the back roads ALONE if she wants to train. If she refuses or balks then your answer is clear...file for divorce. Re-read your onscreen name again. She doesn't respect you right now with regards to boundaries I'm telling you. WS's that act like this infuriate me.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:51 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
iknowiwillbeok
♀ New Member
Member # 43219
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New here - what is a spystick?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2014
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop it right now. My WW started the same way. First texts, then calls, then meetings and then sex. Always was told he was just a friend. She even told me after that I should not have allowed her to be in contact with him as I did.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 147 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CITH, we BS's often say there must be a "cheater's handbook" out there and they're all reading from the same script because their actions and words are nearly identical. "We're just friends, you have nothing to worry about" is a classic line straight out of that 'book'.

Did she ask YOU, her HUSBAND, if she could invite her new male 'friend' to spend the night at YOUR house? I'd be livid! That way, she's able to get even CLOSER to him, right under your nose...

We're all seeing red flags waving around you. And your intuition is telling you something isn't right. You can always trust your intuition.

You cannot trust that any of her female friends would tell you if they knew something was going on. Many cheaters have 'friends' who will keep their secrets and actively encourage them to cheat! My H had some male friends who told him he was "entitled" to commit adultery if he wanted to! Unfortunately he was encouraged by them and took their dreadful advice.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9818 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She even told me after that I should not have allowed her to be in contact with him as I did.

I hope you can see the bull crap in that line. You should have had a relationship where you were not in charge of her fidelity (or her happiness for that matter).


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Jul 2011
Afraid2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, she invited a strange man to sleep in a home where two young daughters live?

Is she batshit crazy!


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
Afraid2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate.

[This message edited by Afraid2LoveAgain at 12:35 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick backstory. 13 years ago my wife had an affair. It was ugly. We separated but finally.reconciled. Now.we have two beautiful daughters.

Was there ever remorse from her on this initial affair? If not, you are seeing the results of this in her latest new "friendship". I wouldn't be surprised if the reason you both initially reconciled was because the OM threw her under the bus and you were plan B. From what you describe, she is pushing the boundaries here, convincing herself that she can control this new friendly relationship AND including you in on it this time around. Sounds like she read the chapter on "How to Have Your Cake and Eat it too! Step 1 - Tricking your spouse to hoist you on the fence...and blame him/her!"

I know a lot of our advice is easier said than done because we are not in your exact situation, but the "script" we speak of is very common. Regardless, you need to put your foot down on this matter now DESPITE her gaslighting attempts to tell you "Nothing is going on! You're just being paranoid! He's just a friend! Why won't you let me have any friends!" yada, yada, yada...all to get YOU to feel guilty and defensive and avoid the conversation. She is doing the most ultimate disrespectful thing by inviting this stranger to your house to stay. She's trying him on in your house to see how your "substitue" will look in the house and hanging out with your daughters, while having the convenience of you being nearby to "comparison shop".

Like Crushed1 suggested, get her the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. I suggest you sit her ass down at the table, tell her that "friend" is not invited in your home or in her running group. Then tell her if she wants to know why, give her that book. Tell her to read it. If she refuses, then tell her you have no choice but to make some very tough decisions to protect yourself and your daughters. Make it clear to her that having a friendship with this stranger and inviting him to the house is UNACCEPTABLE and that there will be consequences if she refuses to comply. Don't say anything about divorce, just mention consequences.

We can all see from your descriptions that she's just starting to spread the affair mayo on the 2nd shit sandwhich she is currently making for you. Heed our warnings.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll chime in.

He maybe a friend, or maybe in her mind she's telling herself that rationalize what's happening.

Inviting the guy to your house, again in her mind she's saying "Look, he's just a good pal, see I'm even inviting him to the house so you can see for yourself, is that the behavior of someone who's cheating?"

There's just one thing..nil, zero, zilch consideration about your feelings in this, and that to me speaks volumes.

She's started a friendship with a guy..that's fine but the texting and deleting of texts are massive red flags..as is her paying for his fee in the race. I mean they're long distance pals right? Only met once and she's already paying out of her own pocket and offering him accommodation?

Again, did she ask you if this guy could stay over? More importantly you're obviously visibly uncomfortable with this friendship but she still continues to contact him without regard for your feelings.

She's gotten comfortable, so comfortable your feelings don't matter and now you're almost back to square one, afraid to confront in case you drive whatever is going on underground.

Trust your gut. Wish you the best


Posts: 240 | Registered: Jun 2013
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is having an EA. She is flirting in the text messages. That is overstepping the M boundaries. There is no need for a woman that has had an A before to have a male friend that is that close. That isn't okay. None of what she is doing is okay. Draw the line. If she is at the stage where she wants to invite this man into her home...then she is at the stage where there will be physical intimacy. The passion is there and waiting.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 1:38 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop. Do not pass go. See a lawyer, know your rights. Separate your finances as best you can. Implement the 180.

My friend, I am so sorry. She is again having an affair. She puts another mans wants/desires over yours?

Wow, she is completely clueless.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife had no problems bringing her affair guys around me and into our house. she always had excuses or justifications that i tended to accept because i loved her and trusted her.

id guess she is bringing him into the house because it would be more convenient for her to see him there than it would be to go see him in a hotel. in your house she can say "hey, we are all hanging out together" which sounds nicer than "well, im on my way to see him at his hotel" - but quite possibly the effect is the same.

the "nothing to worry about this guy" is a red flag. deleting texts is a red flag.
inviting him into the house without asking is a red flag.
paying his entry fee is a red flag.

you have two real options
1: tell her "hell no"
2: let him come and use a VAR or something else to "catch them"

the poop will hit the fan from her if you use 1. she will claim you are paranoid, that they had plans you upset, that you are crazy, and that nothing was going on. you wont ever really know.

if you let him come, dont be surprised if your VAR or whatever catches them having sex or in intimate talks. obviously that would suck.

the options she has presented you with arent good ones.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 582 | Registered: Jan 2014
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deleting texts and guarding the phone are bad bad signs. If she hasn't yet, she is thinking about it.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update.

So we talked about this friend and the texts. She was very upfront answering all my questions. Bottom line they did some mild sexting which she deleted. And in early April she says she decided that it was inappropriate and then changed the communications to talk of training and the race.

There were some small lies I could tell but I let them slide. perhaps that was a mistake.

We also were working on our communication or at least I was.

Then last Friday was his birthday. I one it was his birthday but didnt let on.


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...continued.

I did t let on that I knew of his birthday

Sorry. Will post more late.


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were some small lies I could tell but I let them slide. perhaps that was a mistake.

Absolutely, totally, completely. I am actually sad for you because she is playing you like a piano and you don't realize it. I know how heady and drunk love can make a person but in the case of your wife - you need to SOBER UP!!

ETA: "mild sexting"? What the heck is that??? Then SHE decided it was inappropriate? Wonder why she didn't realize that BEFORE she did it?

[This message edited by Chicky at 4:54 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
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