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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She is deleting texts
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I've read here , sexting qualifies as an EA. you might be well served by insisting on transparency and that he find a hotel room for his visit for himself. Did she realize these text were inappropriate, or clues left behind?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deleting texts? mild sexting? can you trust her? No way! If you hadn't intervened so early, she would have gladly moved to physical affair!

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were some small lies I could tell but I let them slide
Don't let anything slide. Something is wrong here, she never learned about boundaries 13 years ago and here you are again.

I would be very suspicious if I were you at this point. You say she was very upfront with you. Which I find rather odd since a couple of weeks ago she was lying to you and deleting texts and taking her phone with her everywhere.

If I were you, I would do some digging. I would pay close attention and I would tell her that you have every right to have her passwords and to have access to her phone.

Have there been any times that she is late from work with unreal reasons or goes shopping all day and buys nothing.

If she had not had an A 13 years ago, I might say, okay a mistake here. But, she did not learn anything from what happened 13 years ago, and she needs to completely understand today why she feels it is okay to talk sexually with other guys.

How far would it have gone.

It just makes me suspicious that after lying, denying and taking her phone everywhere, suddenly today she is upfront.

I have seen this on here before. Called damage control. Usually when someone is about to find out something else. Just keep paying close attention.


Posts: 4272 | Registered: Jun 2002
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be breaking this up. Phone issue + running kids around.

As she was getting ready last friday morning (his birthday) I noticed red panties that I didn't recognize (I've since verified they were an old pair, not a gift). I asked her and she played it off. It struck me as odd.

I was able to check her texts (which she has since deleted) Saturday and yes, she wore red panties for him. As a reminder, she did jack shit for me on my birthday a few months ago (I finally got a cake and some presents 6 weeks later).

As more background, I had been looking at the earlier discovery as a wakeup call and had been working on communicating, making love more, etc. And from that, I allowed him to still come down this coming weekend for the race. She's even picking him up at the airport alone (I have kid duties). Call me a chump.

When I read about the panties, I realized that I don't want to be married to this woman anymore. Even if nothing happens when he is in town, how can I ever trust her again?

I've hired a PI to follow her Friday. It's expensive and I'm conflicted about if I want him to catch something.

So now, I have to act normal when all I want to do is scream. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can barely function. This sucks.

I hate her. I love her. God, please give me strength.

I've been reading the Just Friends book, but it's so painful that it's going slow.

6 days of faking it to go...


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So bit of an update.

I texted her the other day saying that I was uneasy about this weekend.

Me: There's nothing extra going on with him, right? Sorry, I feel I need to ask again.

Her: No, just friends baby. I want to be with you forever.

Me: Good. So no sexting, inappropriate conversations, other gifts? Any deleting stuff? Sorry again to ask.

Her: Stop worrying. Nothing inappropriate that I wouldn't say to our godson.

Our godson is 16 and my wife says some inappropriate things to him. Mostly joking about sex or "getting some".

Anyway, it was of course all lies. I just wanted to give her the chance to pull back from the brink. She has been doing everything I asked about. I have a recorded conversation where she tells him about a dream of finding him naked and them kissing and later she says that he, "owes her a fantasy."

Yea, I so don't want to be married to this woman anymore. I don't even know this person she's become.

Oh, the worst part of the recording is how happy and giggly she is when they're talking. Everything he says is apparently hilarious. Yea, I know what that means.

5 days of faking it to go. This week sucks.

[This message edited by CanITrustHer at 10:23 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let you know we're here to support you. Keep posting here if you are going crazy waiting for Friday!

Hang in there!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. And how screwed up is this? I feel bad waiting and essentially lying to everyone about being fine. But I just know that if I confront her now, she'll just explain away whatever I reveal with all the "just friends" BS.

And - how pathetic is this - I still really love her and I don't want to ruin this race for her. It, among other things, has become a bit of a fixation for her.


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And - how pathetic is this - I still really love her and I don't want to ruin this race for her

It's not pathetic. You do love her. And because of it you want to see her succeed.

Unfortunately it takes our hearts a while to catch up with our brains. We know logically that we need to stop, but emotionally we can't. At least not immediately.

You need to focus on you. Work on doing some nice things for yourself. What do you want that you haven't been afforded the time to accomplish because of her NEED to have time to run, and have an A? Start figuring out how you can do it.

You deserve more. Time to get it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Swims
♀ Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CanItrusther, I'm so sorry you are having to endure this for the next few days. Please make sure that you continue to take care of yourself, try and eat, drink water. And please pay attention while driving! My IC told me that accidents are very common for the newly betrayed. If you haven't already done this, please try and see a lawyer in the next couple of days. You have to be prepared to end your marriage if she wants another person in it. Hugs to you, and be good to yourself!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to chime in and say I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Waiting is going to be grueling. Wishing you strength. We will be here to support you. I know it's going to be awful. Be strong. You are doing great, keeping your head above water. Hang in there!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 737 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Do i really need to speak to a lawyer before confronting her? I honestly don't think there's time or a need.


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CITH))

Hang in there. You'll feel better once you know for sure.

Hold on - shit's gonna get real when it is confirmed.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!!!!! Have papers ready for her signature. She is playing a game with you. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you're not playing.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3160 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the people here - YOU NEED TO STOP THIS NOW! My H began his relationship with his AP by sending "innocent" texts. Then the texts became steamier and steamier. By the time they were able to meet face-to-face again (3 months later), they were so hot for each other that their relationship instantly exploded into a PA. Read "Not Just Friends". It is the best book out there on this topic. You can order it on Kindle for an easy read.

If she is deleting texts, they have crossed a line. And emotional A's are usually how the PA's begin.

Please DO NOT let him come to your home and insist that your W stop texting him. I don't care if she has already paid for his entry into the race. BFD. Stop it now - for you and for your 2 DD's. Good luck, my friend!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would lay it out to her that he is not welcome in your home. Tell her you changed your mind. You don't own this stranger a place to stay in YOUR home. His visit was not discussed with you before hand and she did not seek your approval. I know you think this may push her to him, but if she is that determined to hook up with this guy she'll do it right after picking him up at the airport. Don't let them defile your home with their behavior. Make your stand now.

You already know she's lying. You have your proof. You KNOW the PA is going to happen. She is laying out the opportunity for him this weekend.

If you later decide to D her your are going to be in the house where the dirty deed happened, and the worst part is that YOU let it happen in your very own home. That is going to be such a huge trigger for you!

Tell her if he sets one foot in your house, thing are going to really change in this marriage. Don't specify what, just be stern. In the meantime, call some lawyers now to get armed with knowledge about you're rights. Be prepared for the worst.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am friendly with women in the neighborhood and at work. We don't share texts, and quite frankly, I have never known or even asked about the color of the panties they were wearing.

Have you seen a lawyer even if just to know your rights and responsibilities? Most will consult for free or a minimal charge. I strongly suggest arranging such now, not later.



Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Swims
♀ Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please see a lawyer!! You will gain knowledge and that equals empowerment. If, then, when you confront and she refuses to give up OM, you can say "I'm sorry you don't want to stay in this marriage and choose OM. I am not willing to have three people in my marriage. I have met with my attorney, Mr. Hungry Shark, and he will be drawing up D papers as soon as possible". I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's expensive and I'm conflicted about if I want him to catch something.
That is the hell of it isnt it. You don't want there to be anything for him to catch, yet you want him to catch something because you really do know something is going on and just need it confirmed.

That is the hell of being lied to when we know we are being lied to.

I don't understand the red panties, so if she wore them for him, than obviously they had sex. You read about her wearing them in a text...right, she did not mention anything like that?

Also, is this guy staying at her house?

If so, I dont know how I could even stomach that. Well I couldn't and wouldn't, not with the things you already know.

Yes you should see a lawyer. Especially since you have kids. You just never know how these things are going to end up.

Stay strong and try to be patient, Friday will be here before you know it and then you can take control.


Posts: 4272 | Registered: Jun 2002
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!!! to the lawyer...it will scare her.

You have been on here for sometime, so you know that you can't love her out of this. There is also at this point no way she will just stop by giving her chances to get out. At this point she believes she has you in her back pocket. At most, you aren't even a factor right now. Compartmentalizing at its best.

By the way...the joking with the "God Son" just plain sick and way inappropriate. So, if she treats the OM the same way...same goes there.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying not to let it get me down. I've started the 180 and am working out like a fiend.

Wish me luck.


I haven't read all the responses here but I just wanted to say I DO wish you luck in your situation. I will try to read them later...


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 685 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
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