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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She is deleting texts
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand this strategy. If she cheats, which you don't want, what will you do?

Why don't you confront her with her lies and tell her she can't race and it's her fault for lying to you?

Proof of lying is enough. You don't have to have a picture of her cheating. By then the deed is done.

Do you want to save your marriage before this happens?

Or... are you waiting for it to happen, show her proof and say "so there!"

No offense friend, but you don't seem like the kind of guy that will immediately file if she cheats. Maybe I'm wrong. But if I'm right, stop this before you endure more pain.

best of luck.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig2001 posted this:

That is the hell of it isnt it. You don't want there to be anything for him to catch, yet you want him to catch something because you really do know something is going on and just need it confirmed.
That is the hell of being lied to when we know we are being lied to.

That is so true.

Mike7 stated that he doesn't believe that you will immediately file if more is discovered. I believe the same. I believe that even though you state that you do not want to be married to this woman anymore, that this is being said out of hurt and fear. And that is okay....we are supposed to love our spouses, and want to be with them. SO if your heart and mind are bouncing around like pinballs, it is understood.

There is a very good chance that a physical affair has already happened. If not, it is on the very near horizon. Be VERY honest with yourself---what do you think you will do if the PI gives you proof of a physical affair?

If your answer is anything but an immediate "I'm done---this was an absolute dealbreaker", then you have to take steps right now. You can cancel the PI if you want. But you will have to confront your wife before you allow her to continue further. You will have to lay out exactly what you know, and what you will not tolerate. And yes---bring up the affair from the past---to show the similarities. Remind her that she forever forfeited certain "rights" and "privacies" after you reconciled. And what is key in trying to drive home in that messed up head of hers, is that she should have known better that to let her boundaries wander. And the final point to drive home is that now that you have experienced infidelity in the past, there is NO WAY that you will go through it again with the naivety that you did years ago.

Then, you go into the same steps that virtually all the members here had to do to recover---we gain back our strength. We get ourselves out of infidelity...all the while, watching our wayward spouses' ACTIONS, to see if they are actually going to invest themselves in the marriage again...or not.

CITH, there is no easy way out at this point. Boundaries have been crossed. You are aware of your situation. Your heart and mind are all over the place. Whether a second D-day is a month, a year, or decades later, it still has to be dealt with....no matter how much you hate to do so.

Again...and I ask this with all seriousness...if you were to discover from the PI that this affair went physical---is it truly an immediate dealbreaker?

If so, then all you have to do is wait, and contact a lawyer. But if not, you need to stop this affair in its tracks.

I am sorry that you have to go through this yet again.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you guys are asking valid questions bit I'm feeling a little attacked. Maybe I'm still just angry because just this morning my wife yelled at me in front of our kids because I had to audacity to ask for clarification on kid pickup arrangements.

Just to clarify he lives across the country and from the tone of their communications I believe that it is only emotional at this point.

To answer the $64 question, will I leave her if the PI finds something? Yes. Without a doubt.

If Friday truly is friends having dinner and nothing more then we might have a chance if she sees the error of her ways.

So I guess it's a bit of a litmus test to see if it's worth trying to save the marriage.

[This message edited by CanITrustHer at 8:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I want to thank you guys and this forum. I have nobody else to talk to and I feel like I'm drowning.

Shit, I've even started praying again. I haven't prayed since my mom died. I don't even believe in God. I'm such a hypocrite with that.

This hurts so much. I never thought that I would be hurt so badly again.


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CanItrusther,

your situation is just like mine. At first she told me everything, he was just a friend, it was just texting. Then it went to talking then it went to meeting , then sex. All the time she was telling me I was nuts and get mad at me for saying she was doing something. For 4 months, I could do nothing right. She was a great actress. Finally it was so obvious, everything hit the fan. This is not good. Be careful. Texting and talking with others guys can not lead to anything good. I've been there.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you know you would walk then I would urge you to see an Attorney ASAP.

You HAVE to protect your money, your home, and your kids. There are ways to do this prior to filing, so that when you do file it will go as smoothly as possible.

She has already crossed a line. This we all know. She is minimizing it, the anger this morning is more of the whole rewriting, justification of wayward behavior thing. My H was a BASTARD to live with when he was having his A. It's how I knew something was going on.

I would clean, and he would complain that floor wasn't vacuumed well enough. I would cook and he would complain that it wasn't healthy enough. I would make the kids behave, and he would say I wasn't tough enough. IT was freaking awful, and it destroyed my self esteem.

Don't allow her to treat you like that, the next time an unjustified attack happens, you say stop, go to our room, and you close the door, and you calmly tell her you will not be treated like hired help, or a bad child. This really knocks em off their feet. It shows strength, it shows that you will tolerate nothing less than the love and respect you deserve.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer the $64 question, will I leave her if the PI finds something? Yes. Without a doubt.
In reality, you wont know that until it happens.

One thing about being a BS, the situation is completely fluid because our emotions are constantly changing from anger to sadness to depression back to anger and even forgiveness.

So you wont know until you the time comes what you will really do.

You can make yourself a hard line in the sand in your head and follow that, but usually thoughts and plans change as the situation changes and becomes more clear.

Stay strong and patient. You are in control, even though it sure as hell doesn't feel like it at this time.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're definitely not under attack.

I was just curious why you would let a WW proceed with her plans?

It appears to me you're not communicating. If you know she's lying, why don't you confront her?

I guess if you need proof that's she's cheating and then you will divorce her, fine.

But why wouldn't you try to stop it? Have you given up on her? Have you already decided you want to divorce her? If you have, then just do so.

Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to save you pain. From what I've read, I agree with you that it's very possible she's going to have sex with him.

I can never really understand why a BS decides to let their WS go on and cheat. But I realize you have to do what's right for you.

good luck

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:16 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike7: I'm thinking that he feels if he does stop her..this time..will there be a next time.

Prayers that you are wrong and she goes to dinner with friends. although if that's the case you need help working on trusting her. Discuss with her that you are not trusting her and why and maybe MC?


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
hurtininHouston
♂ Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't wait. It will be too late then. Stop it now. Show her the evidence. Fight it now before hand. If I could have. I would have. If she puts up resistance, or fights it, then you know. she chooses him over you.
Don't wait!!!!!!

Posts: 57 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its so reminding me of that movie with Tom Cruise where he catches crimes before they happen. Minority Report. The opening scene is even a guy who is going to kill his wife or OM because he finds them cheating. The BS is the one that gets arrested because of his intent to murder.

You know what's going to happen and so you have a chance to stop it. You know her intent.

I would have definitely stopped it from happening if I could have. I would still deal with the intent but I'd rather that than the actual events that did happen.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 415 | Registered: Nov 2013
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can me a fool if you wish.

I need to know if this marriage is worth trying to save. After too long of guesses, suppositions, and meager proof. I need something concrete.

Maybe coming here has been a mistake...


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel!

It's not a mistake.

I would absolutely want to find out what she would do of her own volition - otherwise you never KNOW.

I think people are trying to save you the pain that they went through when their WS boinked someone else.

I personally don't think the pain is from the sex act itself - but from the betrayal. Your WW has already betrayed you. You want to see how far gone she is.

I get it.

No one here will judge you whatever choice you make.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know if this marriage is worth trying to save.
Actually, your wife's actions will let you know the answer to that question.

When you say concrete proof, do you mean of an actual affair or if the marriage is worth saving?

You wrote this several weeks ago:

Back in the first affair, I feel that I confronted her too early without enough information which lead to dragging every nugget of data out of her. It sucked.
Don't forget that. This has happened before.

You wrote that she admitted to mild sexting. What is mild? Would your wife like it if you met a woman and started sexting with her?

And something else you wrote I don't want you to forget:

I was able to check her texts (which she has since deleted) Saturday and yes, she wore red panties for him
If she wore red panties for a guy, wouldn't that guy see those red panties?

I think you have plenty of proof to be confronting her.

We BS's are lied to so much, that we lose our way. We lose the ability to think and worse, we even lose the ability to trust our own gut feelings. We also lose our common sense.

If a woman wears red panties for some guy, doesn't it make common sense that the intention was for that guy to see those red panties. That means undressing. And that is certainly more than mild sexting.

You most certainly have enough to know something has already gone on. You have concrete evidence to confront her with.

Is the marriage worth saving, it depends on her attitude and if she can ever figure out why she does this with other guys.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter how this plays out and what advice any of us may give you, at the end of the day the only thing you control is yourself. Your actions. Your choices. You have to live with yourself, not with her or her choices. If that means giving her rope to hang herself and seeing if she does, great. You'll have your answer. If it means drawing a line in the sand and seeing if she still seeks out the rope or instead respects the line ferociously, great. You'll also have your answer. Only you know what actions you will proudly live with. At the end of the day the choice is yours.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can me a fool if you wish.
I need to know if this marriage is worth trying to save. After too long of guesses, suppositions, and meager proof. I need something concrete.

Maybe coming here has been a mistake...

I don't think anyone here is attacking you, or calling you a fool. You are here for advice, and help in "Surviving Infidelity" . We have all been through it in some way or another, and any advice given is from our hearts, and minds on how to minimize your pain, and protect yourself.

You love your wife. It is incredibly painful to know that your trust has been destroyed.

It can be painful to hear the truth, or consider things that you thought you would never have to.
I hope you stick around and really benefit from the care, support and advice here.

There's a saying around these parts "Take what you need, and leave the rest" I hope you can do that.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
CanITrustHer
♂ New Member
Member # 43204
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I guess I got a little defensive.

And I'm of course second guessing myself. Hell, there's a part of me that wants to forget everything and put my head in the sand. I won't. I can't. I just miss what we had.


44 and 44
Two kids, 10 and 7
She had an affair in 2001
I'm trying to figure out the extent of her current "relationship"
In MC. Trying to heal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you miss what you had. Honey, we all do! Wanting to believe that your W is doing nothing illicit is normal. And it feels right. I get it. I really do.

Just know that we are here for you - no matter what. We are here if your weekend ends up being fabulous or if it doesn't. Just promise us you will update us once Monday rolls around.

We are all in this with you. That's what we do here...I, too, have been praying a lot lately and will add you to my ever-growing list!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 276 | Registered: May 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'm of course second guessing myself. Hell, there's a part of me that wants to forget everything and put my head in the sand. I won't. I can't. I just miss what we had.

We get that better than anyone. Things are going ok, so why upset the status quo.

1. Without changing her mindset she will continue to do this over and over until she has sucked your soul dry.

2. You deserve love and respect, just like every other human being, and if she is incapable of giving it, the sooner you know and act the sooner you can have a happy life.

3. You tried that once before, and now you are here.

You have every right to be upset, angry, pissed off, and generally an emotional wreck. But remember we are the closest to having walked in your shoes than anyone else.

Hang in there. You will survive, and you will be stronger and smarter for it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CanITrustHer

Can I make a suggestion?

If the race is close to your home find out where the finish line is and go meet her there with your kids.

Surprise her.

And make sure the OM sees you, your kids and her together as a family unit.

And no matter what you find out on Friday go there as a family and make sure she sees you and the kids supporting her.....

HM


Posts: 817 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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