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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I do this?
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever find yourself being defensive about things that really don't matter? I hear myself doing this and it makes me crazy. Why the hell would it matter if I went to strip clubs on every trip or on a percentage of the trips? It doesn't. What matters is that I ever went at all but yet I find myself saying something stupid like I didn't go all the time. I don't see this as minimizing because it is true that I didn't go all the time but it is also not helpful because it just puts me in a defensive posture and pisses off my wife even more because she sees it like I am trying to earn some points by pointing out when I wasn't being a complete pig. Why the hell do I do this??


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(

I acknowledge the grace I have received. I do not deserve it.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I have an answer for you but I thought of this exact same thing this morning. My husband insists that I was in contact with OM on our way home from a family vacation. I wasn't. But I know when I was in contact with him and it was another trip, not a vacation. But, does it really matter? I was in contact with him. So, I apologize in a very general way about that and how badly I feel about ruining our traveling memories by doing this.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4445 | Registered: Dec 2010
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever find yourself being defensive about things that really don't matter?

Yes.

I do it because all of it is part of my internal dialogue/struggle.

To me, it matters that I fought off negative urges & won. That doesn't minimize the fact that I also lost that battle at points along the way. It's simply a desire by me to own both sets of facts.

For me, if I have to discard my mini-victories, then I leave myself wondering what's the point. The desire to change, to improve, is important, and actively working toward that change is important. It doesn't make "just this one" OK; it simply gives me something positive to hold on to when I find myself wondering if I can do this.

And re: this:

What matters is that I ever went at all but yet I find myself saying something stupid like I didn't go all the time.

Take what I say next with a grain of salt because I don't have the repercussions of A confession in play in my relationship.

But I can totally see myself giving that knee-jerk response to BH. That would be wrong of me to do, as were I presenting my inner dialogue to him, it'd come across as minimizing, as "congratulate me for doing well some of the time instead of demonizing me for my poor decisions." I need to maintain those truths in my mind for inner strength...reassurance that I can do this. But I don't think it'd be fair to put that level of discernment onto what I share with BH.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

splitintwo,

Thanks for the feedback, I completely agree that this is a knee jerk reaction and what is really frustrating that even while it is happening in real time I know it is really stupid to be doing. The small wins thing is something that does resonate with me but I think for me it is more about trying to save face and not be such a monster. But, I know this is irrational because it doesn't matter how many times I cheated or broke trust, even if it was just once which it wasn't, once was enough.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(

I acknowledge the grace I have received. I do not deserve it.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2013
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This makes sense to me, and it'd likely be a partial motivator for me, too:

I think for me it is more about trying to save face and not be such a monster.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

islesguy, I feel like you wrote this post about me. I do the same thing and as soon as it comes out of my mouth I know I just screwed up and wish I could take it back. I think it is good that you recognize the problem and want to do something about it. That's where I'm at...working at it.

I think splitintwo nailed it with the comment about internalizing this within yourself. On one hand we as WS's have to fully admit the wrong to our BS's so that we don't run the risk of sounding like we are minimizing but on the other hand you have to maintain those truths to yourself so that you can see tangible evidence that you are working and that you are making progress.

Thanks for this post. Like I said I have the same problem but I hadn't really put a lot of thought into it until now.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 6

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