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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastated
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

 Betrayed

There is alot to my story. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a Cancer survivor of 7 years. The year before I found out I lost my father. Here it is 8 years later and last year on the date of my father's anniversary date I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. Thinking that was it I also found out that he had had several affairs through our entire 18 years of marriage. Recently I was in a car accident and fractured my pelvic bone in 2 places and am confined to a wheel chair. There are at least 3 women in my neighborhood that my husband had been with along with 2 women who we were good friends with them and their husbands. 1 of those women he was with in my own backyard. So every where I turn I am reminded of the pain by his decisions. I am a Christian and am finding it difficult to focus on the good things that God had given me. My husband had changed his ways and is a Christian also. However he was baptized at the time he was having an affair. I'm at the point where I can't live with him nor can i without him. It's hard to be positive when I am filed with tremendous pain and grief. Betrayal and disloyalty. God forgive me but I can't forgive them or like them for what they have done to me and my kids. I also hope he forgives me for wishing that pain will come to them. They all knew what they were doing and who I was. I have never ever been unfaithful to my husband. I know i will never get an answer why when that's pretty much all I want.
There are more women than mentioned above. I was always the person that said "if you ever cheat you will be gone"


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
justasinger
♂ Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry that you have found the need to be here, But I'm glad you have found SI. Everyone here that I've been in contact with has had only good intentions with anything they have said, and talking on here has helped me out so very much.

I am not a practicing anything, but I grew up in the church and I believe a few things, completely.

1. God is real
2. God will never allow more crap to be thrown on you than you can handle.
3. You will come out stronger on the other side (of the challenge) if you allow Him to guide you.

I always had the same stance as you, re 'if you ever cheat you will be gone'. And the way it sounds, as I read your post again, makes me think you have come to question that 'life rule', if you will, just as I have. It seems to me you are not as far down the 'rabbit hole' as I am, and I hope you don't have to travel that far.

My personal opinion on the AP's... I hold none of them responsible in any way. It is not their job to keep my WSO faithful. I don't particularly like them, but I wish them no ill will.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justasinger. Thank you for the encouragement. I sometimes feel that he had already put to much on my shoulders at this point. I also believe that my faith is being tested and feel that it sometimes is very difficult to stay in it. Why did it have to be the entire marriage? Why not just once or even twice? Why did whomever caused this to be not think that through my whole marriage would not bother me? I'm just sick about this whole life BS. Cheating husband, God, the devil, so called friends and neighbors.... I just wished I could move on and find somebody worth giving what I have to give. Honesty, truth and love.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) You have so much on your plate. I'm so sorry that you had to come looking for us, but I'm really glad that you found us for support.

It is the brokenness in your WH that cause all of this. His unfaithfulness and infidelity is all on him, 100%. This is a very personal attack, that came about because of HIS failings, not yours. Keep telling yourself that until you internalize it.

Take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Please start reading. Read the first page of any post in the first few pages of this forum that has a red "target" next to it. Information is power, knowledge is power, and these posts will help you immensely.

Right now, your only responsibility is to yourself and your kids. You have to stay healthy to take care of them. Breathe. Don't forget to keep breathing. Eat what you can, stay hydrated. Try to get rest. It's going to seem like you have to make a thousand or so decision Right Now! Just stop. You don't have do decide one darned thing right now, nor do you have to make a decision to stay, to go, to separate, or to divorce. You can just exist one moment at a time for now, until you're a bit more grounded.

Keep coming back for support. We're all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing other to say than, "we hear you." You have come to us for support, now rely on us to give that to you. Although your situation is unique to you, you will find that we all have our own stories. The common theme...a spouse/partner that decided that their own selfishness was more important than the needs of their families. I would often get frustrated with my WW and ask why she didn't just leave if she wanted to be in another relationship. The only people that these decisions make sense to are those that are wayward.
There is nothing you could of done or can continue to do to change your WH. He will show you if he wants to be with you or not.

BTW, I too was one of those people that said, "if you ever cheat, I'm gone." However, when my DDay hit me, my reaction was to fight for our relationship. 4 months of attempted R and D became our reality, but with that time I was able to start working on closure and sef-acceptance. I am still far from full closure and acceptance, I am getting closer every day.

Keep up your hard work. It is worth it!


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 813 | Registered: Dec 2013
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am a Christian and so was my WH when he had his A 25 years ago! But what I had to realize is that Christians are not perfect either. Now, having said that, I STILL cannot understand HOW, especially being a Christian, someone could engage in an A, and hurt the person they are suppose to love, honor and cherish until death parts them! And I'm not sure I will EVER understand this! And I'll be honest, I don't believe I have come to the complete and full forgiveness place yet either! (I've only known about the A for 6 1/2 mo. now). I also struggle with the question of "having more put on me than I can handle". I was molested as a child (and never dealt with that issue until now), found out my husband had an A with my brother's wife and hid it from me for 25 years, found out my sister's husband also had an affair with this same person, AND found out my dad (who I adored, and is now deceased) betrayed my mother as well. I also had a teen who was on meth for several years (has now been totally clean for approx. 8 years...thank you Lord!)and now my oldest son and his wife have turned their backs on us (they have our only two grandchildren, ages 15 and 10 and are keeping them from us currently).YES! My faith HAS been shaken! And I know yours probably has too! But just remember, YOU did not make those choices for your WH and all those he had A's with...THEY made them! Don't let them change you and who you are! Remember Job and all of his trials...My prayers for you and your family! Oh how I wish NONE OF US were in need of this site. But thank you Lord for all these compassionate people who are here to help each other!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 291 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support. Today it seems my pain grows deeper. Like there's no light at the end of my tunnel. I just sat and wrote the H a 8 page letter of how I feel and that I believe there is alot more to my puzzle that is missing many pieces. When he confessed several times adding a new confession each time. he always made it sound like the many affairs were really nothing and continuously wants me to put it behind us and move on. Well I guess if I was the one that cheated i guess it would be easier to do that. I guess I'm afraid of being alone maybe. Not sure and can't make a decision to move on without him. This is all so painful n depressing is killing me.

[This message edited by needadvise at 10:25 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Needadvise,

I am so sorry that you have gone through all that you have. It sounds a lot like Job in the Old Testament.

I too am a Christian, as I see several of the other respondents are. I'll add you to my prayers and hope for the best for you. I'm sorry you are here, but I am glad you have found us.

My wayward ex girlfriend, whom I had at one point considered marrying, is also a Christian. She is in a high position at a Christian college where we both work, yet that didn't stop her from getting involved in an affair with a married campus cop. She professes to everyone here, including me, that she is a strong Christian woman, but strong Christians don't become involved in affairs. I suspected something was up and then I found several texts/sexts between them on her phone. It's a long, painful story, but I feel my faith and knowing God hasn't abandoned me pulls me through.

I guess the only thing I can tell you is, being baptized doesn't make someone a Christian. You have to then "walk the walk, which it sounds like your husband hasn't done. He cheated on you repeatedly with several people you know. Joyce Meyer once said, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian. I can sit in my garage all day and that wouldn't make me a car." I think that's the situation with both your husband and my ex GF. The good news is, God hasn't given up on either of them, but they need to come to grips with their sin and stop their behavior. It not only hurts their walk with God, but it also hurts you. He needs to realize that, just as I wish my ex would realize that too. It's not that I want to get back with her, but I wish we could be friends.

The fact is, your WS is a serial cheater. He needs to stop this behavior for good right now or you should move on. If you are not both in counseling, please go, whether it is to Christian marriage counseling or in the secular world, please try it. If he refuses to go, please go yourself.

All the best..

[This message edited by Steve55 at 11:14 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a devastating time for you. We are all here for you. If you have been reading this site, you can see the idea of trickle truth in our posts as well. It is coming your way right now and will come for awhile longer. It is news that just keeps coming to you. You will be resilient. You will survive. Every time your WH says something to you that is new, your wound will be opened up and it hurts like hell. We have all been there, but of course no one but ourselves can fully understand our own pain. Just know that each time that wound is opened up it feels like it is getting worse, but in fact it is making us stronger. You are in good hands here at SI and please rely on us for support, because right now your WH will not provide that for you. If he wants to truly R, you will know by the actions he shows. You will not have to question how serious he is. Right now you need to take care of yourself and know things can and will get better.

We're here for you.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 813 | Registered: Dec 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please allow yourself right now the leeway to not forgive him yet. There is no law that says you must forgive, not while the wound is fresh. Instead forgive yourself for your feelings of anger--they are only human.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading his letter, we had a blowout. I was told he slept with all 10 women some of them more than once. The Dagger in my heart still continues to twist and turn. His reason is that I stood up for my son when he wanted to punish him. For small minuet issues. So the way I see it, it's my fault and I caused this.

[This message edited by needadvise at 4:02 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you norabird. It's difficult to move or make a decision either way. For the last year from day one of D day every so often I find out more to his affairs. Today was one of those days. He said he kept it from me to protect me from the pain of the truth. I knew in my gut and by the grace of God that there was alot more to it. A pure genuine miracle can be good for me now. I do appreciate all of your feedback and help as I feel totally alone in this whole painful experience. I am glad I found this site. One last attempt will be counseling for us, everything needs to be put on the table. Then I will know i gave it my all either way.

[This message edited by needadvise at 4:41 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one thing to be a lying serial cheater, which is what your husband is.

It's quite another to try to dump the responsibility for his years of low-life behavior on YOU with some ridiculously feeble story about differences in parenting. Please.

I was married to a serial cheater who would cross ANY line and who had ZERO boundaries - just like your husband. My ex's serial cheating had nothing to do with how I raised our son, what color my hair was, what the weather was like, or what kind of car we drove. What a crock.

It had everything to do with HIM and his incredible sense of self-entitlement that he should be able to have as much 'strange' on the side as he wanted.

Your husband's ridiculous reason for being a serial cheater doesn't even make SENSE. How is having sex with your neighbors (in your back yard and God knows where else at your house) going to address your differences in childrearing? This is such a crock of bull, phony baloney excuse for acting like a stray dog.

Tell him to own his actions. I left my ex 26 years ago because I wasn't going to compromise my pride and integrity for any man.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
12yearsloyal
♀ Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have said the same thing "if you ever cheat I'll be gone," and yet here I sit. I am still hoping for R. I pray that the timeline for his fog period is quick. I want the roller coaster to end.

One thing that has helped me is I have already thought in my mind that I can forgive. I think it has been a load off as far as letting go of some of my anger when I think that way. I have good days and bad of course. I just know in my heart in order for me not to drive myself nuts and ruin my life with anger I have to forgive. Just my perspective.


Him: WS, Selfish, mental, mid-life crisis LTA EA PA
Me: BS American, Blonde, thin, attractive (and none of that mattered)
OW: Caribbean whore (RuPaul is better looking)
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2014
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get so tired of the different cycles of emotions that continue over and over. Today I feel numb. This past weekend was hurt. I've cried so much I feel like I'm dehydrated. It just upsets me that it seems he is no where close to feeling my pain. Although he says he hurts too. Everyday I think about each individual affair. 10 women is alot to absorb. However the last affair (when he worked out of town) burns in my heart & head. He had an actual gf for 3 months. Taking her to dinner, buying her flowers, going out and drinking n partying w her. Brought her to his hotel room, spending times at her place. A bartender he met, 8 years older than him. Many numerous text n call between them. After I confronted him they started messaging on fb. Dumb move he knows I'm very tech savvy when needed. I saved almost 200 messages of them telling each other they love reach other n how they wanted to move in together while she sold weed at the bar. Had a boyfriend she cheated on, and was arrested for DUI. The sad thing is my own nephew knew everything but because he was doing the same to his wife he kept it from me. Until I busted them all. It was like a bunch of kids getting caught stealing candy. They all told on the others secrets. As far as I'm concerned they are all womanizers. I feel a need to tell the 2 men who's wives my husband cheated with the truth. I also said that if I ever found out that a spouse or significant other was being cheated on i would let the other know. I still haven't told my niece, which makes me feel horrible. Not sure what to do

[This message edited by needadvise at 11:29 AM, April 28th (Monday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well made the first call to OW ex H. Who where our friends back when the deeds were done. And yes it felt good. He was a very good friend of ours. And will continue to be a good friend of mine. It also feels good to know that he realizes my H is not the good person or friend he tried to make people think he is. Very arrogant and walking around deceiving people. I'm happy that it has finally caught up w the life he lead.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 16

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