I am so pissed at the unfairness of it all. He got to experience the thrills, excitement and butterflies of being with someone new. I got the pain of dealing with my husband's betrayal. I am struggling not to do something self destructive (revenge sex, impulse tattoo, running away). He has spent the last 5 days in a psych ward escaping the damage that he left behind. Tomorrow he may be discharged and I don't know how I feel about that.
My mother always told me that life is not fair, but this is so unfair! I wish I could stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum. Instead I have to handle my kids anger and pain, while trying to process mine.
Please tell me this will get better.
Just know that with the difficulties that you are experiencing right now, you are fostering a new skill that gets stronger over time. While he is focusing on himself with where he is at, go ahead and take some time for yourself. You can't take care of anything around you if you are not taking care of yourself. Focus some attention towards the kids. Attempt as much of the 180 as you can muster. Rely on your friends here at SI.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
I am so sorry - it is unfair.
This may be painful to read, but do you think he is gay and all of this acting out is just a response to him not being true to himself? Is he the victim of childhood sexual abuse? Has he been evaluated for sexual addiction? Something has to give -- you can't live like this.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:27 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
I need him to get healthy for our daughters, but have come to the realization that it is too late for us. It is so hard to process everything and accept that the future and plans that I had for my life are rapidly changing.
The revelation of infidelity is much like the death of a loved one, only this is the death of the marriage that you thought you had. You are mourning its loss and go through the same stages of grief that someone goes through after the loss of a loved one. Sorry, rage, confusion, etc. The affairs are not your fault, period. No matter what was going on in your marriage. He had other options. If you stay together, then later when trust is starting to improve, you both can deal with those issues.
Right now though, it is on you that the attention needs to be focused. It is easy to get sick. Not eat, not sleep, etc. Take care of yourself and come to the JFO forum and rant all you want. You have to let that anger out. Hugs and keep posting!
It will get so, so much better. Right now really sucks, is all. And you just have to get through it. But, amazingly, you will.
[This message edited by norabird at 11:10 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]
Sometimes you can do that with R. It's a long, and very hard road. IMO, with a serial adulterer and someone with the issues that your WH has, it can be a road of torture that might not end. If he doesn't do the work necessary to get himself healthy and sane, it probably won't end. But even if he came out of the psych ward with a completely different outlook on life and the utter determination to get better no matter what, that road is going to be horribly long.
Sometimes the best thing for you (and your children's) healing, is to separate/divorce. I divorced my first husband for financial/emotional infidelity and I got to a healthy place FAR faster than my R with my FWH. Far faster.
He is the one that shattered the vows between the two of you. You absolutely do not have to give him another chance. You can choose whatever is the most healthy action for you and for your children. (((hugs))) I'll be thinking of you today and sending strength your way.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Use your anger productively use it to get some things done.
See A Dr for STD testing
See A Lawyer for figuring out your rights, his obligations and how to proceed from a purely financial point.
See your Dr. If you are unable to eat, then you need turn off that whole Fight or Flight response or turn it down a bit. This is normal, but without sound sleep, and good nutrition you cannot think clearly, or soundly, plus it makes keeping your emotions in check damn near impossible.
Right now you are in crisis mode. IT's really difficult, but know that as you focus on getting through one day at a time you will find that you are making it, getting stronger, smarter, and more capable than you ever imagined.
keep reading, keep posting.