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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Emails between ex and me
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told myself, "Don't respond." But I did. I would really like to hear your thoughts on this back and forth I had.

My nieces (his sister's kids) are coming to spend the weekend with me while she recovers from breast reconstruction due to cancer. I had to give up a ticket to an event on Saturday, so he emailed me to suggest that OW could watch the kids that night (he is also busy). He and OW broke up awhile back but I discovered they were back together but I didn't say anything because its not my business. This is the first time he brought it up. It continued like this:

Ex: OW and I are seeing each other again. I've informed the kids and told them they will not be a part of it unless they want to be.

Me: Oh. Well that's news. When did you tell the kids? And I have to say, ouch.

Ex: I'm sorry for the ouch part. I told the kids last Friday. They seemed okay, particularly with the part about not having to participate, but didn't have much response.

Me: I wish you luck this time around. It's perplexing, though. The 'ouch' is that you choose to be in a realationship that your children don't want to be involved in. She must be very important to you, but I don't get the sense that she is. The part-time dad gig is right up your alley.

Now I am really regretting that I responded. I get so upset when he is with OW and the whole comments about the kids just pushed me over the edge. Do I just sound like a bitter person?

I would really like to figure out what it is that keeps me in the drama. Is it a sign that I am unhealthy? Is it normal, after 20 years of marriage, to still feel emotional about this 2 years later?

I asked the kids how they felt about their dad and OW getting back together. They just kind of shrugged. I asked how they felt when he said they didn't have to be a part of it and they just shrugged agian and said they don't know why he said that because they barely know OW. I tried to draw them out a few more times but it was clear they did not want to talk about it.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told myself, "Don't respond."

Listen to this.

it is normal to still feel things but it is not healthy to be so invested in what is going on in his life.

YOU are keeping you in the drama. NC is essential for healing - each time you break NC it delays or derails your healing.

Your kids do deserve better but it isn't your job to make him a good dad - you know you can't.

The sad clown moved in with OWUmpteen recently - she was not even DDOW. It was an LTA I found out about 20 weeks after S when this 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher to my then almost 5 and 2 y/olds as his GF. I get that it stings - I really do. I get that you're hurting for your kids. How does it help them to give him ego kibbles?

Focus on helping your kids navigate through this. This can't be at all pleasant for them. Your spouse rejecting you is one thing but your parent rejecting you is just awful. Awful.

NC = No New Hurts. NC = Detachment = Healing. You can't half do it.

If you're obsessive thinking then work on redirecting your thoughts. Some use a rubber band around their wrist, I used the visual image of a Stop Sign. Start daydreaming about your future.

You can get stuck in limbo by yourself - people can be there for the rest of their lives. You don't want that. Don't let this thief steal any more of your life.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it makes you look bitter, but it does give your Ex more info than he deserves. While I completely understand the 'ouch', it gives him ego kibbles. Here is my suggestion for next time.

Ex: OW and I are seeing each other again. I've informed the kids and told them they will not be a part of it unless they want to be.

Me: You've already spoken to the kids, so you're telling me this, why???


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1624 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree completely with SBB.

But I have to say that "part-time dad gig" make me laugh...


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What SBB said.

You can get stuck in limbo by yourself - people can be there for the rest of their lives. You don't want that. Don't let this thief steal any more of your life.
^^^Especially this. I had a similar problem. I went complete NC with my STBX unless it involved the kids. However she would periodically reach out and tell me shit like she had a new boyfriend etc. I would mess up by engaging with her and asking her why she thought that was relevant to tell me etc. I eventually just starting saying okay and getting the conversation back on the kids or ending it if it wasn't about the kids. My EX has no windows into my life and I don't want any windows into hers. When she tries to put one up I no longer throw a brick through it I just ignore it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Follow your gut. Don't respond.

Was the conversation productive? No. It just looked like two exes trading little digs. Don't waste energy on this.

Live and learn. As long as you react, he will continue to push the buttons. Stop reacting and only RESPOND if absolutely necessary.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I just sound like a bitter person?

No. You sound like a real person who has been hurt.

I've just stopped expressing any emotion to The Princess. I treat her like a client: Just business. That's helping me to feel like I'm detaching.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would really like to figure out what it is that keeps me in the drama

It sounds like you WANT to continue being a part of his life...at any expense...even pain. You can't let go of him.

He, meanwhile, enjoys the attention you give him. He's still nibbling the cake you offer.

I asked the kids how they felt about their dad and OW getting back together. They just kind of shrugged. I asked how they felt when he said they didn't have to be a part of it and they just shrugged agian and said they don't know why he said that because they barely know OW. I tried to draw them out a few more times but it was clear they did not want to talk about it.

Your kids have the right attitude. They're "over it" and seem to not want to let it affect them anymore. A shrug is the correct response. Learn from your kids.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To my great surprise, my ex responded to my email very upset about the part-time dad comment. He wanted clarification. I decided to go for it. We had quite the back and forth. It doesn't change anything, but it was an extrememly cathartic feeling for me for reasons unknown. It also made it clear that I do not carry fond feelings for him and I don't respect his choices. I feel strangely at peace now and for the first time I truly don't give a rats ass what he does. I have no idea why this is the case. It breaks every rule.

Also, he didn't get the ego kibbles so when I had to communicate soon after about logistics with the kids, he was very abrupt. If he is pissed, that's good becuase he won't bother to try to suck me back in.

Honestly, I feel...good!

The NC starts now. I've got a plan I actually wrote down. Please, lord, let me keep feeling this way!


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong Harriet. You can do it!!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Harriet!

You are taking steps toward healing.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: He keeps responding to me. I started out honest, and then I finally said, "This is not a healthy conversation. There is a reason we keep things superficial."

And it occured to me, the real reason I didn't want to get into things with him was that I didn't want anything to change. Meaning, I like where I am in life right now. I never realized how much I treasured what I have until I became worried he might want to change it.

Things really feel different right now, and I hope so much that I continue this movement towards not only acceptance but contentment.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ do you mean he keeps trying to continue the conversation?

He just baiting you. There was some baiting on your side too in your initial comms.

I remember having one of these back and forths with the sad clown after he baited me and having an epiphany - each time I took the bait I was feeding him ego kibbles. Even the zingers that burned him gave him some sort of sick, twisted satisfaction and covered me with his grubby tentacles. Look at all the energy I was sending his way?

I was giving him my power. I stopped. I haven't bitten back since Christmas now and even then I told him he'd need better bait to engage me further.

Doesn't stop him trying to bait me - I don't even notice them these days. My mind has learned how to skip them and only read the parts of his idiotic missives that are relevant to me.

Vengeance or getting my pound of flesh is no longer the goal - indifference is. You need to work on making it your goal too.

Fake it till you make it. One day you'll realise you're no longer faking it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 13

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