Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did you affair down?
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Stop  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading through some of the stories in the "Why did you do it" thread, I'm curious: Did you "affair down"? And if so, why?

I definitely did the "affair down" thing. My AP accepted my brokenness. He fostered it, encouraged it, welcomed it with open arms. I didn't have to function. I could just be broken, and that was fine.

My AP is also a twice divorced alcoholic who has little-to-no relationship with his kids. He is, in effect, very much so like my father. I knew of all of his brokenness, so it created a safe space for me to allow myself to wallow in those behaviors, escape from the life in which I was expected to be strong & whole.

Anyway, with time, distance, & a healing brain, when I look back at the A, "WTF was I thinking?" is my near-constant refrain. I knew the whole time that I would never, ever want to be with that person for real, but I still took absurd risks & did things that would crush my family's soul.

My latest assessment of it is that I chose an AP that reflected me at the time. He was me. I used to resent his ability to live like that all the time....I would get absurdly jealous of that fact. *That's how f*cked up I was--I was actively jealous of a lifestyle that centered around drinking 6-12/night & only doing what was necessary to get by enough to fund that habit.

I am so grateful to be out of that place. It was dark & ugly & nowhere I want to find myself again.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, with time, distance, & a healing brain, when I look back at the A, "WTF was I thinking?" is my near-constant refrain. I knew the whole time that I would never, ever want to be with that person for real, but I still took absurd risks & did things that would crush my family's soul.

I haven't followed all of your posts, but this seems like a huge and positive step for you! Congrats on reaching this point!

Yes I affaired down in every way. Looks, personality, he was someone I would never want to be with in real life. One of BHs most recent anger fits was him repeating the word "disgusting" over and over and over and over, and it was horrible. It's so true.

I had told BH early on that if someone more attractive than me came on to me at all I'd most likely retract because I'd be intimidated and it would feel more wrong at the onset. When I became "friends" with AP, I wasn't attracted to him so it was ok. And I think since he was below me on the looks scale (hope that doesn't come across too conceited...), his compliments and attention to me came on extra strong, which is what drew me in. It really could have been anyone, he was just the only scumbag around at the time.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes!

OM could practically smell my broken, he got off on it. He had all sorts KISA issues going on, wanted to save me and fix me. He turned out to be a complete psycho too. Had to call the police on him in the end.

He wasn't good looking either so there was no physical attraction on my part. I just wanted the attention. Like Jovie said, it didn't matter to me who it was. He could have been anyone.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Split, you sound so good. I'm happy (and jealous) of your rapid progress. I didn't affair down in the traditional sense. My AP wasn't less attractive or less successful, he is in fact very much like my H. With the difference being he actively adored me. He lavished me with praise, acted like the sun and moon revolved around me, you get the idea. He provided me the attention that I hadn't received in years. With my H, we were dealing with real life and kids in our conversations instead of trying to "woo" each other.

The further I get away from my last contact with AP, the more I also get to the "WTF was I thinking??!" phase. The risks I took were unfathomable for such shallow reasons. It truly feels like a different person did all that. I'm appalled at my behavior.

I've read again and again how BSs don't understand how the A can't be about them. How could the WS still love them and do all this? Believe me, it really is possible. I never stopped loving my BS, I just also fell in love with the feeling of being 22 again and as a result acted like an adolescent with extremely poor judgment. Classic mid-life crisis.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 2:04 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2014
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM could practically smell my broken

YES! They can. It reminds me of this line from Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter in Bossypants:

"May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty."

That is 100% true.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Split, you sound so good. I'm happy (and jealous) of your rapid progress.

Thanks, but trust me, it's not rapid progress. My healing started in September 2012 when I finally got help & started Zoloft. That helped me make a lot of the changes, but I only started really healing once I tapered off & got back to the feelings aspect of things.

It's still a long road from this point, and I am "cheating" a bit because I'm focusing on fixing me without the stressors of setting off the A bomb in my M via confession. But I'm taking the "one thing at a time" approach; I need to be able to handle it & not hide should I end up going that route.

I actually ended up here shortly after I weaned off my Zoloft. I don't think that's a coincidence. My first post here was three months after I'd stopped the A, but I was mourning the loss of the "relationship," still wanting to get sucked back in. I got some very much needed 2x4s to stop that shit, take a hard look at how I was framing things,embrace indifference, and break the addiction for real. That was helpful beyond measure, and since that point, SI is the kick in the ass reality check that I need to stay the course, focus on fixing my brokenness, & really heal for the first time in my life. I am determined to do this.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that's a good line Split. Rings very true for us waywards.

My exbfs are a bunch of idiots, I've bounced from one toxic relationship to the next since I was 16. They weren't the problem though, I was.

Hell even my BH was attracted to the broken. When we met I was the one with my shit together. I saved him. Turns out, I was just better at hiding my broken than he was and he sorted himself out before I did.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 9:34 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a thought-provoking question. I'm guessing you've seen the "affair down" thread in...General I think. Honestly never occurred to me to pose the question to myself. Kinda don't feel qualified to answer, KWIM?

When BS say, "They always affair down," my perception is that they're saying, the OP in their sitch was a step (or several) down from themselves. That their spouse/partner chose an AP who was inferior to them. And yeah, that's hard to disagree with, because regardless of a cheater's looks, brains, wealth, or charm...we can't hold a candle to a faithful partner of any shape, size or socioeconomic status.

But is this what you're asking? Did you affair down, in comparison to your spouse/partner, or relative to yourself? Clearly compared to my BH, who has never once lied to me, who is generous, brilliant, compassionate, and gorgeous, I affaired down. Any man who deliberately takes another man's wife is a waste of skin and oxygen. Compared to myself? IDK, I affaired laterally in terms of morals, clearly, and OBS probably wish I'd rot in hell. On paper, both APs are intelligent, accomplished, well-known and highly-regarded men. Aside from in physical attractiveness (objectively, if that's possible), they both affaired down, WRT external factors.

In the end, does it matter? Whose signature reads something like, an affair is merely bullshit between two selfish people? Affair up, affair down, it's all window dressing. APs could've been anyone. Maybe they were the aggressor, maybe we were. Fact is, we made horrible choices and now are seeking redemption. Onward and upward.

Splitintwo, you're doing great, keep it up.

I got some very much needed 2x4s to stop that shit, take a hard look at how I was framing things

Umm...you're welcome?

Me too. Pay it forward.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the "not worth contemplating" camp. Done thinking about my AP.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think realising that you affair down is important because it forces the wayward to look in the mirror at their broken.

Because, seriously. Anyone that is actually worth having is not going to be interested in someone who's going to be cheating. People who have their shit together are not going to be an AP.

So that only leaves one option. That the wayward is the bottom of the barrel and the only people who are going to be giving a potential wayward any attention are right down at the bottom of the barrel too.

It's that realisation which helps waywards de-fog, stop romanticising the AP, etc.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:46 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that it's not worth too much thought but it can be an important realisation or an 'ah ha' moment for some waywards.

Part of the journey and all that.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hell yeah, definitely. I just chose someone that was a reflection of myself at that time. All kinds of fucked up.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Done thinking about my AP.

I'm done thinking about my AP, but not my A. I need to understand that because right now, at this moment, the prospect of an A is not something I would do. Ever. But that's clearly not true, as in my not-so-distant past, I did just that.

For me, it's like BBT said here:

It's that realisation which helps waywards de-fog, stop romanticising the AP, etc....it can be an important realisation or an 'ah ha' moment for some waywards. Part of the journey and all that.

As for 20WrongsVs1's question: "But is this what you're asking? Did you affair down, in comparison to your spouse/partner, or relative to yourself?"

I was looking at it from the "relative to what I would look for in a partner" POV. When I tick of my AP's qualities against that list, practically every one is a "not it." And in my present state of mind, I get that, I see it clearly, and I have no urge to go back to it whatsoever.

I did see the thread on the main forum, but I don't post there & wouldn't even want to post this question without the stop sign here. Like BBT noted, it was an "ah-ha!" moment. I knew the A was indicative of my broken, but how? Why would that "work" with my brain in any state, because it sure as hell doesn't coalesce with a healthier brain space. Then the pieces started falling into place & I understood my why, what made that situation "attractive" to me at that time. It doesn't make it right or excuse the behavior, but it does give me some perspective.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that if you're using this exercise as a way to stop romancing the A or the AP, it can be a helpful tool to a WS. Thankfully, I'm well past that point in my healing.

I had better luck with detaching from the A/AP by focusing on what was missing within myself -vs- trying to figure out what AP was all about (or wasn't all about).

If it helps you to process and find your 'why', then it's all good!


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't analyze anything without overanalyzing it.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In both of my As I "affaired down." I was together with APs who were less educated, less successful, more outwardly messed up. To the rest of the world, I had a great family, great profession, etc.

I have come to realize that the APs also affaired down with me. I was older, more "stuck" in my life, boring, not having much sex, withdrawn from friends, etc. The APs thought that they were helping or reaching down to me as much as I thought I was "saving" them.

I understand that we were both broken. The reason we carried on an A was that she propped me up, and vice versa. Splitintwo, your question seems to point to this same relationship. For me, we BOTH betrayed our M and family. I think we were both just as terrible as the other.

I'd be willing to bet that all As are not like this. I don't quite know if this realization helps me out or not. It makes me feel like less of a scumbag predator than I used to. But like 20Wrongs said, it ultimately doesn't matter.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 736 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The further I get away from our last contact, the more I also get to the "WTF was I thinking??!" phase. The risks I took were also unfathomable. It truly feels like a different person did all that. I'm appalled at my behavior.

I just also fell in love with the feeling of being 22 again and as a result acted like an adolescent with extremely poor judgment. Classic mid-life crisis.

Wow that so describes me. I still can't believe what I did to my BH and to myself. The situations I put myself in were so degrading and dangerous. I let xap control me for almost 4 years. I was 18 when I dated him the first time and I seriously felt 18 again. With the total lack of judgment that goes along with it.

But seriously the xap couldn't hold a candle to my BH. My BH is a great dad and family man. He is well respected in our church and totally adored me. Oh did I mention how BH totally threw me under the bus on D Day.

Xap had multiple children from several women who he never even kept in contact with. His family despised him and he was a classic joke hitting on girls half his age whenever we were out together.

On D day, I immediately knew that I wanted to work it out with BH and gave it 110%. I may have thought about xap and mourned what I thought we had, but it doesn't compare to a BH who loves me through everything that happened.

So yes, I affaired down to my BH and to myself.

All I can do now is live and learn!

[This message edited by finallyfree2011 at 1:41 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
IntoTheLight
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't know how to answer. My self esteem is at an all time low now that I'm out of the fog, so it feels like AP affaired down. BH, on the other hand, says I am so so much better than AP and what I did. So I guess I'll try to believe that instead.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.