It's been a weird sort of week R wise. I keep on having these thoughts that it's really time to let go of some of the pain and negative thoughts that I am clinging on to. I'm over 20 months out now and I have this hankering to take a leap forward in my recovery.
Our attempt at R has, so far, been a bit brutal. My biggest stumbling block has been relentless anger. A torrent of it. fWS has in many ways been a really good fWS - always willing to talk about the A and R(if I bring it up), kind, willing to do anything I ask of him, happy to not do anything I don't feel comfortable about, spending all his free time with me and the family, fully committed to R... but in others not so great - he gets angry when I am angry for any length of time, conflict avoidant, blame-shifts (not about the A, but about other stuff) inclined to be defensive.
Both of us, while not always successfully (sometimes not even remotely!) have genuinely worked hard at digging through the mess, facing our issues, trying to improve. But for the last while I have felt stuck. It's like we're in this cycle of having a good patch - lots of talking, lots of progress - and then stumbling over the same old issues and getting into a downward spiral (I get angry, he gets angry, I get more angry, he gets defensive and cold, I get resentful), slowly coming out of it and then... wash-rinse-repeat.
I've been feeling very strongly that we have to somehow get off this track, we can't keep going round and round like this. I feel like we aren't achieving anything by covering the same old ground again and again. It's becoming really destructive.
I think that the problem is that often when the going has been good for a while I pain-shop. I will start dwelling on A-related hurts and then my anger starts building and ... there we go... I think it's time for me to let go of some of those hurts, and I figure the only way to do that is to accept them. That stuff happened - it's not going to go away - confronting fWH about this stuff again and again is not going to make it go away - dwelling on it is not helping....
So yesterday I made an extremely long and detailed list of all the things I need to accept (thanks LA44 for the idea) and I thought about it and honestly, I reckon 90% of it I have accepted, it still hurts, but I have accepted it and I can sort of let it go - not forget about it, but stop carrying it around in my pocket like a pebble I can't stop rolling around in my fingers. My issue is with the 10%... there are those same old issues I can't find rest with.
One of the issues is something that has bugged the hell out of me from Day 1. fWH is adamant that he never mentioned me or our marriage to OW (co-worker, she met my kids, he wore his wedding ring the entire time) He says not once did she ask what the story was with our marriage and not once did he ever raise the issue. Had it been a ONS or a short fling I could buy it. But he slept at her house on alternate week nights, every week, for 4 months. He was accepted by her family. They told each other they loved each other. He phoned me from her house. HOW can it be possible that she would put herself right out there emotionally, physically and never enquire what the long-term prospects were, when he was living in her house for half the week?? I can't accept that. I can't believe it. It is a huge problem for me. I can't let it go, I keep coming back to it.
We have discussed it in MC and she says it is one of the things I am going to have to accept and let go. HOW?
There are a couple of other issues that I also have trouble letting go, but this ^^ is the big one.
So, please, can anyone give me advice on how to get past this? How can I force my mind to not go there? How can I believe he is telling the truth? Why is this so important to me, especially in light of all the other stuff that I have accepted?
I really feel that if we can clear up these issues, we will take that leap and get off this treadmill. I just don't know how