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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 6 years later, a deal breaker
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 years of reconcilation with some ups and downs, but I've had enough. I asked her for a divorce. Lots of emotions running though my mind. but i think this is the best decision for me as there is no we in our marriage and I find myself being the doormat once again.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been where you are now ... and (as my signature line promises) there is Peace in your future.

((((slicerboy))))


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((slicerboy)))) I'm sorry things did not turn out as you had hoped. Welcome to D/S. This is a very supportive and fierce family you're joining. We've got your back.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24436 | Registered: Aug 2011
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to D/S. It took me 2 years after D-day #1 to get to that point. Sometimes, you just know.

For me, when I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with him, I knew that it was time to begin that life alone.

It's a hard road, but can be very fulfilling.

Lean on us.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7430 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Williesmom said, word for word.

My D-day #1 was 12/22/11; I moved out and filed Thanskgiving weekend 2013. Sometimes there's just no fixing it no matter how much you try and want to, and you just have to finally let go for your own sake.

We've got you. You're not alone.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the quick replies... I started researching the divorce process and the filing paperwork is dozens of pages long. Yikes!


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know how to eat an elephant, right? Same theory applies in divorce. Take it one bite at a time, hon.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24436 | Registered: Aug 2011
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the only timeline you need to follow is your own timeline (except for mandatory waiting times). Move as quickly or as slowly as works for YOU at any given moment.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will get through it. Yes, it can be a bumpy ride, but the payoff is that you no longer live in limbo, with a WS, or always looking over your shoulder for the next Dday!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
trustagain
♀ Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to post the same thing today. It has been five years for me and I am in the same shoes. We to reconciled, but my marriage just isn't the same.

I hope you find peace within yourself.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4466 | Registered: Nov 2007
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a lot of work - I'm so sorry that reconciliation never took hold.

I'm only three years out but finding myself in a similar bucket right now.

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

We're here for you.

(((slicerboy)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16424 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did catch myself daydreaming about not having to verify her actions anymore... that made me smile


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome slicerboy

I too have recently called it quits.
It is just over 4 years for me since dday, longer with suspicions.
I just couldn't try anymore by myself.

And yes, people here will help you out.



Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you find yourself in a M you cannot continue. I feel sad that so many years of trying ended this way and also that others responded feeling the same.

By the same token, you have found one silver lining already. Keep that frame of mind. You sound strong in your decision. Eat that elephant.

(((slicerboy)))

(I just have to note that THAT name could strike fear in many people if it were 'slicerGIRL'.) (Sorry, I'm bad, I know, 2x4 me. I apologize but the devil made me do it!)


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as the D process sucks, it sure beats the alternative. 6 years is a long time to be suffering. I sure hope it wasn't all bad. But good for you my man.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Nov 2007
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

Wow.. That sums up perfectly how I felt when I started taking steps to detach.

(((Slicer)))

I've had to focus on the most ridiculous things to help me find a bright side in this. More room in the closet. Extra drawer space in the bathroom. No clutter in the storage room.

I'm sorry R didn't work. No matter what, I always think it's sad on some level when a marriage ends. It's the death of dreams.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1699 | Registered: Aug 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you truly gave it your best shot. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.

Welcome to D/S. It's a great board that is super helpful.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all reach DONE at different times for different reasons - the good news is once you reach it it sticks.


Be gentle with yourself. I found the disappointment all consuming after only a 3m False R.

I saw a great quote here once: "Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".

Remember what you deserve.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5436 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we talked a lot last night about ending our marriage. Lots of the discussion seemed like reconciliation. Is this normal? Maybe today is a fresh start to a real R and not false R? I don't like to think the last 6 years have been entirely false R, it's just the WS behavior continues so she just hasn't been truly remorseful. I don't know what to think.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what behaviour you're talking about but if she isn't changing behaviour and you've made it clear that it is a dealbreaker then it sounds like there has been some rugsweeping going on on both sides in order to continue R.

The sucking back in when you're on your last straw is called Hoovering and it is very normal. Not healthy but normal.

I suggest you read everything in The Healing Library - especially these articles:

The Role of the WS and Achieving Healing
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/healing.asp

Important Truths about R
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/truths.asp

Guilt vs Remorse
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/guilt.asp

Hoovering
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

[This message edited by SBB at 5:14 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5436 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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