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User Topic: How many WS married their AP?
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a betrayed spouse, how many out there had their WS marry and live happily ever after with the AP? Kids involved ? How did they adapt ?

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sincerely doubt it's happily ever after, but ex married OW a little over a year ago. Almost 3 years after the divorce was final.

He told one of the kids after the fact. Didn't even invite his own kids to the wedding.

DS18 has mentioned how insecure wifetress is. Gee, can't imagine why that is.

ETA: my kids are older so it really doesn't effect them. DS22 didn't care when he heard about the marriage. DS18 was pissed that his dad was so inconsiderate about not telling them before the wedding, and told his dad how he felt. DS18 was also concerned about how I would take the news, but he had nothing to be worried about. I was only surprised that it had taken them so long.

[This message edited by inconnu at 10:45 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
itstoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting as the now an adult child whose parents divorced in April 21 years ago & remarried to other people the following September. Yes, both my parents just celebrated their 20th anniversary with their second spouse. :/

'Somewhere' in the midst of my father being unhappy with my mom & starting a divorce process, my now stepmother was also divorcing her first husband. And "somewhere" in the midst of all that, the two of them hooked up. Though I never heard the words cheating or affair as a teenager back then, I and my sister both knew in our gut they were together before our parents divorced. Only last week my mother revealed to me that my stepmom started and expedited her divorce after my dad started divorcing my mom. My dad and stepmom taught at same school together. A couple years ago I learned my mom caught them in a car together while my parents still living in same house/not yet divorced. Out with my mom...in with stepmom. No down time at all.

As adult now, and a BS at that, I see things in a different light. As a teenager, you just didn't question my dad. Actually still can't. But I'm not stupid. It is just what it is. I was awful stepdaughter and hated stepmom. But to her credit she has hung in there with me and loved me like a daughter when I did everything to be unloveable. My sister wasn't so aggressive but she still was hurt by it all. Now over the years...I'm just as close to her as my own mother. And my sister is as well. And that's really to my stepmom's credit honestly.

If I sit and think about it, I get real angry for my mother. I hurt for her. She got the bad end of the stick. Tho to the outside it appears my dad is 10x stronger than my mom- I have so much more admiration for my mother. She endured much humiliation by the way things went down. But she is such an honorable woman.

I hate how my father treated my mother, but I don't relive it anymore. It just is what it is. :/

Now, if my WH left me for AP, I don't think I could keep my mouth quiet like my mother did. Just the idea sets me off on a rant and rage! Thankfully not on table for us. Just posting as one if those kids of the past divorce & remarriage....


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another adult child.

Mom M the OM the day her D from dad was finalized, I was 8yo. After my '06 d-day I learned that there had been others. I did know she was cheating with him though because she took us on their dates and to his house to spend the night while dad was working swing shift. We were excluded from the wedding. As a little girl I always thought a wedding meant I could have a pretty dress and toss flowers. Instead we stayed with some of her friends and they watched The Fog and fed us peanut butter sandwiches.

We had a messed up family so part of me thought it was ok for her to hang out with this guy while dad was gone. Likely because I had seen it before with her hanging out with dad's friends. I didn't realize what they were doing while we were locked in a tiny dark room at his place. I was just concerned for me feeling scared and cold.

It was dad that actually worried me. We came home one day to our coffee table chopped up by him using a machete. Another time he took us to find her, driving around in the dark desert. As a kid, that's what worried me.

Did they live happily ever after? Apparently she cheated on him multiple times, even naming my half brother after one of his friends. They D by the time I was 13yo or so. When you see what we saw, deep down you know people are disposable to the wayward parent. I was...mom gave me up without a fight and, after some attempts in my teens, we pretty much are NC. She claims all the other kids but not me.

How did we kids adapt? I never attached to him. I had figured out that mom having a "boyfriend" wasn't right. I connected dad's anger to that, though it wasn't until my own d-days that I got the intensity. Two years later I asked to live with my dad and new stepmom. Mom had already tried to give me to dad but the courts wouldn't split us up. When asked at the trial I kept saying I wanted my mommy AND my daddy. I didn't get having to pick. So once I did, I was with dad and stepmom.

Again, messed up family dynamics meant that even though dad's M lasted longer, none of us have contact with either stepparent now. Yes, we adapted and lived what we could of a normal life. But it's hard to tell where our issues come from because we each experienced our parents doing drugs, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect. I suspect sexual abuse based on some behaviors and a few flashes of memory. Those are of my mom doing inappropriate things to me, but I suspect my stepdad might have abused my older sister.

Bro had a kid at 19yo and eventually M the mom. She cheated on him and left him a few years ago but they R...if you call it that. They're together but not dealing with their issues. Sis started being sexually active at 13yo. She cheated on her fiancé and M the OM. He was actually a good guy and I didn't know until after my d-day it started as an A. He kowtowed to her, thinking that he owed it to her for making the choices he did. Around '11 she left him for our cousin and reports are that she's due with his baby next month. Apparently my mom and our aunt are thrilled.

Me, I had one serious relationship, MrH. At 18yo he was my first kiss. He has cheated on me and physically abused me in different ways since we started dating in '92. First it was all I knew but as I stood up for myself, he stopped. First the abuse in '97. Now the cheating. We're at an ok place and I'm focused on dealing with my demons and making sure we don't pass the poison of our childhood down to our kids.

That's where this becomes more comforting for those worried about their kids. I know from my life that having a stable influence can mean so much to a child. There were problems living with dad and stepmom, but it was a safer environment than my other siblings had. I grew up with better insight and boundaries. I just let my desperation for love weaken those boundaries. I'm better adjusted compared to my siblings.

I know that if we do finally D, the kids will be better off than we were. There will be issues to deal with, but having safe parents will mean the world of difference. That's what I see when I read here. Lots of safe parents, looking out for the mental and physical wellness of their children. I'm convinced that though the situations are messed up, having ONE parent do the right thing by them will make all the difference.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11237 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex married his AP one month after the D was final. He moved her and her kids in, and they've been playing Brady Bunch EOW and one weeknight since last summer.

My kids are still little-- the oldest is 10-- and they're dealing with it as best they can under the circumstances. The first and most important thing I did was get them into counseling. They also joined a divorce support group at school.

I also told them the truth-- I said that their dad started dating their now-stepmother while he and I were still married, and that's why we had to get divorced. I wanted them to know the truth because otherwise, it was very confusing to them. First, they were hit with the terrible news that their parents were divorcing, and then, about eight months later, they met their dad's GF who suddenly became his wife about five months after that. It was inappropriately rushed, and once my kids understood why, it was easier for them to cope with.

I'm not sure if "happily ever after" is possible for my ex. He's constantly looking for something to fill the void in his soul, and I've gotten little hints here and there that life is not perfect in Happy Unicorn Cheaters Land. But, I'm working toward indifference (what we call "meh" around here) rather than focusing on the dynamics in my ex's relationship. I try to keep my mind on doing what is best for the kids, and I'm grateful that they aren't being abused or neglected when they visit him. Do they like going there? Not really. Their father has totally sold them out for his AP. He focuses on her and treats them like pretty accessories that make his blended family facade look more attractive. They sense that. But, they could be in a worse situation, so I try to keep them feeling upbeat about their visits and remind them that they spend most of their time with me.

If that's the road your WS is going down, just do your best for the kids. Don't assume that they're the perfect couple and living happily ever after, and more importantly, try working on not caring about that at all. All I know is that I would never, ever want my XWH back, so even if he does find bliss with someone else, I would never have that with him, so I shouldn't pine for something that wouldn't exist.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex-shat and stripper-whore have an OC. They got married last December...a year after D was final and OC was born.

They aren't 'happy' together. They are dysfunctionally functional together...if that makes sense.

They play family EOW to Teslet. They make a big deal out of him having a little sister. Teslet likes stripper whore and she is nice to him. In fact, Teslet wanted to give her some little chochky girl's play jewelry ring that he got from school. So, I guess you could say that he's adapted well.

t/j:
I've adapted fairly well to the situation too. I think that is the hardest part: realizing that the kiddo's perspective will never be ours. That they will always desire a relationship with both parents despite what wrongs were committed. If Teslet would have given that play ring to stripper whore last year, it would have really upset me. I would have taken that as a slight to myself. But when he said he wanted to give the ring to her this week, I thought what a sweet and thoughtful kid he was. It also helps that he observed that I have lots of jewelry but stripper whore doesn't have any. And the evil part of me hopes that he makes that observation to them too!
end t/j.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4697 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here, I hear rumors and Perv talked about it several years ago...before I even fully knew what he was doing or that OW existed.

As for "happily ever after with their AP", this is questionable. He thinks he is but I understand and hear that it is not all green grass, rather like a cow pasture with spots in the grass of perfection.

He thinks it is better because he's away from me, but people tell me that he actually has a lot more problems then he did before. When I think of it, it's kind of funny.

Kids seem to adapt over time and the ones that I know actually make fun of WS and AP.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:23 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thier wedding is today, actually. Some quickie event at their home so she can move in with a happy conscience.
The kids are excited about it. His family is participating and also seem all accepting of it. Not like he gave anyone a choice.

I'm mixed about it personally. I have moved on and have a better life. But in a way, it's one more ending of that life I thought I would have. That it is her bites a little as well.

So far he has kept her away from kid events. Now that she will have legal status, i am sure that will change. I don't look forward to that. Frankly, he has more to lose, I know about things that she does not. ( like how he was sleeping with us both at the same time)

I guess the part that bothers me is it still feels like she "won". And even though I do all the " well just look at what she actually won" the truth is I did everything in my power to save that marriage and couldn't. More healing to do here, boo.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 8:48 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2011
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well they are M but I know they are not happy. My DD refuses anything to do with the whore and also refused to see X at all until the M broke up the first time. They now live in another country and DD has only seen X once and that was when he was visiting his family.

How do I know they are not happy? First X told me when they broke up the first time (and he was trying to worm himself back into my life ) Apparently his family, who thought whore was so great when he was still M to me, saw her true colors and hated her. This probably had more to do with their friends reactions to the whore. They thought they could pass her off as someone X met after our D. I told one person what really happened and who she really was (his cousin ) and the gossip flew. So the poor muffin was not accepted and by association MIL and SIL felt the heat. He also told me that they fought constantly. She resented that he had to pay me CS and he resented that she refused to share any of her money to pay the bills. But the most shocking thing is that he told me he hit her! In the 20 years we were together he never even threatened violence let alone hit me. So they broke up after a year. Then a couple of years went by and X could not find a job and SIL was sick of him mooching off her so she sent him to live with OW. So now he mooches off OW. When he visited his family over xmas he told his sister that he made a terrible mistake and she then told me that. I changed the subject, but all I could think was "NO shit sherlock! but your revelation came 9 years too late asshole!"

So yes they are M. No it is not happy. And he has completely alienated his child.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XWH married OWifetress less than a year after D. IrishLad has adapted, can't say if it is "well" or not as he very rarely talks about what he does when he is there. I have adapted and moved on and I believe that has helped IrishLad cope. As for "happy"? That is not my place or concern any longer, I am happy and what happens with them is not my business nor do I care so long as my child is not affected.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine hasn't married her, but the Assclown and OW have been living together since shortly after we separted in 2008. I don't know if they are "happy", but he is no longer my problem, and I am grateful for that.

It does sting to hear my DD refer to OW's kid as "her brother". Not "my dad's gf's son", or "my stepbrother", but "brother".


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7829 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another adult child here. They married a few years later but my parents divorced because dad was having an affair with OW.
He's had at least one affair on her. They are unhappily married 35 years later and I think he's just too old to cheat now.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5344 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He married her. How happy they are? I don't know and really don't care. Just like any other relationship you never know how things are behind closed doors.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another betrayed child here.

Mum had an exit A and left my dad for the OM when I was eight. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing between the houses. Mum and dad tried to R for the sake of us kids which ended miserably, that's what damaged me the most, all the uncertainty.

Mum and OM have been together twenty years now and are very happy. OM, now my step dad, has been amazing. My dad was still very involved with us kids, saw us every weekend so my step dad had to walk a very thin line, being an involved parent but not being a dad. He did it perfectly and I love him very much. I had three fantastic adults in my life and now my own kids have three amazing grandparents.

It was awful and very upsetting at the time, the arguments and the yelling after Dday, I remember it all. As the eldest of the three kids I carry all the emotional scars. I'm working through it in IC at the moment. None of those scars were from the A though, my mum and OM being together was a good thing for our family. They went about it in a really shitty way, but we all made it through.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1259 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex married the OW, who was also my best friend, one month after I re-married. He got engaged one month after I got engaged. I believe his timeline was partially due to her divorce taking a VERY long time (her ex, who she left for my ex, was not as easy to divorce as me. I just wanted out. He wanted her punished), but also because I believe they felt their conscience was clearer when they could say "look, she's happy and moving on, so this isn't wrong."

Are they happy? Don't know, don't particularly care, to be honest. I do not feel he is a good father to our children, and THAT I care about.

How have my kids adjusted? The best they can. Kids are resilient, and I think do what they need to survive their situation. I had them in 2 years of therapy following the divorce, and back again for 4 months recently as issues continue to crop up because of their father's home.

I have never told them. I honestly don't know how I've had the strength to act so sanely, other than love for my children. My oldest (now 14) FINALLY had a point blank conversation with me about it this fall (he was 10 when everything happened). He asked me point blank "Dad left you for her, didn't he. He cheated on you with her. That's why you never talk about her, and suddenly stopped being friends with her." I said yes, and he cried saying his Dad has repeatedly lied to him when he's asked him, and even angrily told him to stop telling lies around the younger kids (she has 3 kids with her ex).

It's all heartbreaking, but all outside my control. They are thriving in my home, and seem resigned to their situation at their dad's. My kids seem to have adopted my "it is what it is" attitude.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine hasn't, as far as I know.

BUT .... I have a friend, who left his 1st W for OW after 9 years or so. He admitted to me that OW was OW, but I hadn't experienced adultery yet.

I found it incredibly strange that my friends 2nd W would never, ever, ever let him hang out alone. I didn't especially like her, so I didn't get it at the time why she was ALWAYS around.

They've been M'd about 7 years at this point. I don't even talk to him, b/c I don't want to be around her. I don't think he's happy, as he's treated like a child who can't be trusted. Which, obviously, he can't be.

I think OW thought having the kid would keep him in line. I have a feeling that if he's not in another A now, he will be soon enough.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exwh married one of the OW. They married in secret. One child was told afterwards. Kids still hate her. Kids were pissed. She is extremely insecure (no idea why ) He isn't allowed to go anywhere without her. He is never allowed to spend time with his children on his own. On the rare occasion he picks up the kids on his own he has to ring where once he arrives and ring her when he is leaving.

They are not happily married because I hear from youngest DS about the fighting that occurs every weekend he is there and Dad frequently sleeps in DS room, or on the floor or on the sofa.

It's a matter of time before they are divorced as well.

Paradise isn't all it seemed I guess.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids involved ? How did they adapt ? When we say things like kids "adapt" or kids are "resilient" when dealing with their parents divorce, we are bullshitting ourselves. They kinda of don't have a choice. I just finished reading the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the author follows the lives of children of divorce from a young age until middle age. The author was surprised at the long lasting effects of divorce (not even talking about divorce involving infidelity!!). I'm sure many of our friends here whose parents divorced can and have shared how they "adapted".

Caretaker1, are you asking because you are you curious or ???

If you can, borrow the book. Although did not touch on infidelity, I thought it was a very informative book.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we say things like kids "adapt" or kids are "resilient" when dealing with their parents divorce, we are bullshitting ourselves. They kinda of don't have a choice. I just finished reading the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the author follows the lives of children of divorce from a young age until middle age. The author was surprised at the long lasting effects of divorce (not even talking about divorce involving infidelity!!).


This! My father cheated on my mother the first 35 years of their marriage. I knew he did. They nearly divorced over it. I cannot begin to write about the ways it has affected me. Divorce does permanent damage to kids. Of course they survive. No choice. But they're not unaffected by any means.

My husband's daughter clearly has issues with it. She's a lovely young woman who is scared to marry her wonderful bf of 5 years. Us nearly splitting didn't help that at all.

I feel so much pain for these kids. They will never be the same.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex married the ow about 3 months after the divorce was final. Kids were 4 and 7 when he left, 2years older when he got married. She was introduced fairly early on, but after the divorce was under way. No idea if they are happy, we have very few mutual friends, none close. The kids like her and since evidently I am still am the source of all evil to my ex, communicating with her is less nasty and more productive.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Topic Posts: 63
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