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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How many WS married their AP?
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so are all the WS on this site that choose to try and better themselves ignorant? Or morally bankrupt? Just as a WS can choose to change and get help. A WS who marries an AP can do the same thing.
The WS's who are here and who chose to work on themselves and change are NOT married to the AP.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3475 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ShellyShell
♀ Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS's dad remarried when WS was 3, to a woman his mom swears was the OW. His dad denies it and says they were just friends. Either way, they were married for 40 something years until the day she died. He damn near worshipped her. He always looked at her with moony eyes. When she got sick towards the end, he went to the hospital to visit her every day for 3 years until she finally succumbed.

That said, he also cheated on her for years. Well, we don't know for sure. But he was always taking out-of-town trips with alone his club and flirting heavily with the women. When she got sick, he quickly moved in with a woman from the club. He told his new GF his wife would always come first and he would always take care of her (thus the daily hospital visits) but still. I think it was pretty obvious.

It's always been weird to me how much my FIL clearly loved his wife while openly enjoying side action. I never understood it.

I may be an OC. I was the product of my parent's second marriage. My Dad had kids from his first marriage that cut ties with him shortly after he married my mom. She swears she met him after they had already split, but I also know my dad's ex wife has a child only a year or two older than me. My dad's dead and any attempt to contact my siblings has been rebuffed, so I will probably never know the truth. They were married for 30 years though, to the day he died. And my mom was always EXCESSIVELY jealous.


Posts: 97 | Registered: Mar 2014
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been WS who do the work to change and end up in new relationships, but I've never seen two people who cheated with each other mutually agree to change and make amends with the people and lives they destroyed and be better people. It's more like they are stuck with each other.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is the likely truth.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been WS who do the work to change and end up in new relationships, but I've never seen two people who cheated with each other mutually agree to change and make amends with the people and lives they destroyed and be better people. It's more like they are stuck with each other.

I've seen it. It's uncommon but it happens.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I have seen people change and that doesn't mean they go back to the one they wronged or even want to go back. But they learn and move forward. They make better choices. They have better relationships. They make the relationship they are in better. The couple I am talking about have had counseling and talk about issues past and that may creep up. I'm not saying it's the norm and happens all the time. I'm saying it happens. Some WS marry their AP and don't cheat and are happy. Thinking it never happens or the BS thinking they are always miserable hinders the BS I believe.

Posts: 511 | Registered: Aug 2009
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so are all the WS on this site that choose to try and better themselves ignorant? Or morally bankrupt? Just as a WS can choose to change and get help. A WS who marries an AP can do the same thing.

IMHO if the WS wanted to better themselves, they would have ended the M and then start a new relationship. Setting up the new relationship first, ripping the heart out of a family, does make them morally bankrupt, to me.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 3002 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
beingmiranda
♀ Member
Member # 32519
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xh left me for the ow. He literally left one day right after dday and moved right in with her. He did not want to be a part of our lives. We have one boy together. He did not see our son for 2 years. At his parents urging, he filed for visitation. Because he was gone for so long, there is no attachment with ds now. My son will go visit with dad sometimes. Sometimes he flat out refuses to go with dad. He and ow are still living together but have not married...it's been about 8 years from when I believe the affair began. Our divorce was final in 8/2011. I remarried just recently in 10/2013. My son tells me this threw ow for a serious loop. But yet... They are still together. Who knows what their relationship is like. On the outside they look happy. But then, why haven't they married? She's nearing 40 and has been vocal about wanting a child. Lots of observations on my part but all ii know is how much more awesome husband 2 is for me. :)


Me: now 38
Him: up and left for OW
OW: old maid mid thirties with biological clock ticking, desparate for a man.
Divorced the cheater - 8/2011
Married the most AMAZING man - 10/2013

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: NJ
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some WS marry their AP and don't cheat and are happy.

I'm sure some do, but what kind of relationship is that? A relationship born from infidelity and dishonesty can never be undone and become something that it's not. No matter how much therapy and talking. They still got together while destroying the lives of others who didn't deserve it. Have a great life.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7484 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parent's marriage was terrible. Yes, my dad cheated with his now wife, got her pregnant which was the END for my mother, no more chances.

My Dad is honestly a much better person than he ever was with my mother. Yes, he hurt me, my mom, and family. He left in the worst possible way. We were broke and struggled for a long time. My Mom showed me what strong was and how to forgive and move on. She will never be my father's BFF but she does still care for him from a distance. She knows my Dad did her a huge favor in ending the marriage even if he did it the way he did.

My mother was a wreck when she was married to my father. She has been happily remarried for YEARS.

Because of both of my parent's 2nd marriages I have wonderful extended family on both sides that I never refer to as step or half anything...they are family.

I know my case might be rare when all really does work out for the best.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though X said that his MOW was "brainwashed" into thinking that marriage was forever, he still convinced her to divorce her husband (or the husband finally woke up and divorced her) and then a month later the happy cheating couple were engaged.
That was last July.
There are no plans so far for the wedding that I know of.

She lives in Switzerland and she says that she won't just marry him so that he can get a visa to go work there. He has been unable to find a job so he can relocate.

She insisted that she could not remain unmarried in her profession. He caved and proposed.

I'll bet they will marry someday but I think the kiss of death for them will be to actually live on the same continent for extended periods of time.

They both know that the bubble will burst if they actually move in with each other.

X does not believe in marriage. He says that we are only meant to be with people for a short time and then move on.

I'm glad he moved on from me. Did me a big favour.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 7:51 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
missmydogs
♀ Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add mine to the list too. They just got married less than a year after the divorce was final. They have an OC together. They live over 2000 miles away so he next to never sees our kids. I don't know if it's built to last. He treats her with a lot more respect than he's ever treated me. But he has and will continue to cheat on her. Better her than me


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his mom swears was the OW. His dad denies it and says they were just friends.

Classic


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother cheated on my dad and went on to marry her AP. They have been married for 42 years now. My step-father is a scum bag in many many respects. My father never fully recovered from the betrayal and the divorce was terribly bitter. This whole thing impacted me and my relationships with men for most of my adult life, and still does today, although I work and work on understanding it. So even though they went on to have a long marriage, it was not happy by any stretch and I think my mom stayed with him because she felt she couldn't be alone. I wish she had left my step dad decades ago :(

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know my case might be rare when all really does work out for the best.

My sister says this about my mom and dad. Although my dad cheated on her mom, it wasn’t with my mother. My daddy has quite a few baby momma’s. All of whom respect and love my mom and me. I can call on any of them in the same manner I do my own mother. We all can actually.

I believe the WS can change. The catalyst just may not be their current BS. Maybe it is…and maybe that change is best seen in another relationship.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PFffffftttt.

WS moved in with AP 2 or 3 months after D-day. They married almost a year after the divorce(his and hers) were final, I think.

I'm so screwed up that I actually hope they're happy and doing great...

...but he'd better get his act together and come through with the court-ordered spousal support before I have to file for bankruptcy!


♥ BW (59) m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in low income apartment, but it isn't as bad as it sounds. ALMOST making ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1871 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
formysister
Member
Member # 8615
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were all late teens/young adults when my parents got divorced because my dad had an OW. That was 15 years ago.

My mom (who I believe to be NPD) spent so many years, and so much energy trying to make us hate our dad. She told us icky "bedroom" things and long horrible stories about him and his family. It was always said in away that we needed to "know the truth" about who our father really was. She spend a lot of time telling us how much it would break her heart if we spoke to him or (God forbid) his wife. (BTW, mom married a guy she met at church even before my dad and OW were married).

If se disagreed with something we did we were "just like your father". She insisted we plan birthday parties for the grandkids with schedules for when he could be there and when she could...insisting she was there for presents and cake. One of my worst memories in my life was my son's funeral when she made it all about her and making sure everyone kept "that man" far away from her.

She once told me she hated looking at me because I had his eyes. I was sobbing horribly at the time while driving her home in a thunderstorm...8 months pregnant.

Long story short...I don't speak to my mother anymore. My siblings have minimal contact. Here's the hard truth: My stepmother, the OW, and my dad are literally the happiest couple I know. They travel, they are very active, and we all visit regularly. I never laugh so hard as I do when I visit them. My stepmom is a wonderful person. As much as we hated her in the beginning...I honestly don't know what I would do without her now.

It's a difficult thing for me to think about knowing the things I have been through.

There was a thread here a LONG time ago that I always wish I would have saved. It was about this very topic...something like "Sometimes they do make it"...about sometimes they do live happily ever after...they are better for each other...sometimes they never do get their "Karma". It really doesn't matter, all you can do is be the best person you can be. Anyone remember that thread? It helped me through a really rough time. Wish so much I could read it again.

Ok, back to lurkdom.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Oct 2005
imaf
♀ Member
Member # 30916
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWSO and myself were not married just engaged.
He moved in with her as soon as I left him. And I found out recently that within 2 years they were married and she was pregnant. From the outside they seem to have a beautiful life.

So why if they are so happy......
- did he log onto dating sites as soon as we broke up and they got together.
- 3,5 years later he still tries contacting me through several means. No reply my way.
-He has never mentioned her to me, not that I have given him the chance really. But in his long emails, not once has he mentioned her.

I think they are just pretending to live the fairy tale they created in their head. I suspect their marriage won't fall (their stupid sense of pride wouldn't allow it), but it will bring them problems. He is obviously still a cheater. And I would not like to be her at this moment.

There must be exceptions to the story and some affairs succeed and move on to happy marriages. To every rule there are exceptions, but they are just that exceptions.


Left him because I didn´t like his other girlfriend.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jan 2011
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked the same question because I wanted to know there eventually would be a "correction" or "justice".

Now years later I don't care. I would rather be happy and so busy in my life that it is no longer my concern. I know what they did they do too- I am grateful I am not them.

It sounds odd but I guess if they did stay together the destruction of our family would have been worth it. But on some days I still don't get how she got my family but I wasn't married to her. He let this happen and well he is now tied to someone without values- I would never trade places with him.

Focus on your life. There are some that work and some that don't but don't stop YOUR life a wise person told me.


Posts: 1051 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jada4Max
♀ New Member
Member # 43987
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,
I am new to SI. Divorced BS with 2DDs. I have been lurking for a while, reading many of the posts and learning a lot.

I know this is an old topic thread, but I am curious about a response made by formysister.

Here's the hard truth: My stepmother, the OW, and my dad are literally the happiest couple I know. They travel, they are very active, and we all visit regularly. I never laugh so hard as I do when I visit them. My stepmom is a wonderful person. As much as we hated her in the beginning...I honestly don't know what I would do without her now.

If it is not too much to ask:
1) How did your Dad and stepmother move forward and create an environment where you went from "hating her" to "appreciating her"?

2) How was the affair explained?

3) Did they apologize to those that were hurt by their affair?

4) Did you have family counseling?

Thanking you advance for your response.

I apologize if this is a t/j.

[This message edited by Jada4Max at 7:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


BW-52
2DD
Divorced

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed for divorce in 2008. That year my ex and the ow got engaged. Divorce was final in 2009. They went to another state to get married a few months later because there is a 6 month waiting period in my state.

In 2012, the ow told me they were having problems. Apparently, they were both unhappy for years and cheated on each other. My ex walked out on her for another ow sometime last year. They are still married because neither one of them can afford to divorce the other.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 63
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