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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to tell her the D is final
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just kinda wanting some thoughts on this. My D is supposed to finalize tomorrow morning, like for real this time. Afterwards, I think I should tell her. Any communication we've had to have has been by email only, so this would be as well. This divorce is about as uncontested as one can be. I filed, I hired a lawyer, I actually participated. She couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge receipt of the petition which could have been done in less than 5 minutes online. Anything we sent her, she signed. I probably could have put something in there about her owing my half her paycheck each month and she would have signed it too. I don't know if it's guilt, her desire to get me out of her life as fast as possible, or both, but I guess I'm lucky that this isn't contentious.

Anyway, maybe some of that background info may be applicable to what I say when I tell her. I would tell her that I'll be in touch only once the house sells as her name is on a couple of the services here as well as the mortgage (though I got the house in the D). Beyond that, I have nothing left to ever discuss with her. Part of me wants to send something almost coldly short, like an email with a subject of "Divorce is final" with no text in the body. Another part of me wants to take a final petty parting shot at her that she may or may not even get, like "now it's "official," not that you waited for this anyway '" or "you got what you wanted from me for the last time." I know it won't do any good and may prompt a reply intended to hurt me.

So, for those who've been in a situation similar to mine who have finalized, how did you tell your ex it was done?


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 975 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, as you know, am not quite in this situation yet. I will be soon. My STBX is part of the process, so I won't have to tell her that it is final. However, I have thought about giving one last email about our M and what she did, but I am on the same page as you. Is it really worth it.

Now my STBX and I will have lots of contact post D, because of our DD, but I am so looking forward to not have to have some of these D conversations anymore.

MOS, I think you should keep it short and non descriptive. I think that will be more powerful than anything else you could say. Let us know what you decide.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 710 | Registered: Dec 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's a grownup and is party to this action. It is not your responsibility to inform her.

Contact her when you need to. Otherwise, don't.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:32 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8579 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not there yet, hopefully June 10th, but my first gut reaction is crickets.

Just send a copy of the decree through the U.S.Mail.

Just a show of indifference.

Don't listen to me right now though, having one of those days.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The court will send STBX the D finalization paperwork. I don't want to "tell" him anything. He isn't good enough to receive any communication from me. He was served 10 days ago. He can count to 61 for himself.
All breaking NC to tell her will do is poke the tiger. IMO you really don't need that drama. She might be so far gone she may not even care.
I won't tell him when the house sells either. I'm not his personal assistant anymore. He fired me as his wife, and, therefore, from any of my services.
Ftb.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on the other side of it. STBX is handling it. Also a very uncontested proceeding. I'm curious how she will tell me. I assume text or email. Or maybe just a mailed copy of the decree. I really don't have a preference and it sounds like yours doesn't either. My two cents is just mail her a copy. Don't spend time or energy on it if she's not interested. That's about as cold as it gets.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're all saying what I figured you'd say, and that's where I've been leaning - no more words than necessary. I've written letters to her that I never actually sent her but rather shared here because I needed to get it out. Sharing with her only opens me up to pain, so why would this be different?

So, why do I even ask? I guess it's just my way of reconciling that the finalization of this divorce, what all it stands for, is something so unceremonious. This is the official dissolution of what was once a life shared by 2 people. At the same time, not much changes tomorrow. This is just the state of Texas catching up with the times. we stopped being "we" months ago.

I may not say anything at all...she should get something in the mail anyway. She'll figure it out. After all, at this point, I don't owe her a damn thing.


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 975 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Afterwards, I think I should tell her

Think again. If she doesn't get a copy of the decree, she can figure out how to get on on her own. It's not like she's exactly been too concerned about whether she's married or not up to this point, is it?

I would tell her that I'll be in touch only once the house sells as her name is on a couple of the services here as well as the mortgage (though I got the house in the D).

Get the decree, sell the house, inform her what she needs to do only when she needs to do it. What's the point before then, except poking the bear?

Beyond that, I have nothing left to ever discuss with her.

Then don't discuss anything with her.

I guess I'm lucky that this isn't contentious.

In my state, she would have 30 days to enter motions for correction, and another 30 days after the judge rules on that to file an appeal. You've done well, but don't poke the bear.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5139 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree on all points TH. I'm glad I asked you all - you once again have saved me some unneeded pain.


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 975 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge receipt of the petition

I know it won't do any good and may prompt a reply intended to hurt me.

As you've indicated above, she won't care and it will do no good.

Waste zero effort to inform her.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

xWH didn't believe that the judge would sign our decree. Kept saying that it will get tossed back. When I saw that it was final I sent him a text that said "Judge signed it. We are divorced". Simple and to the point. He never responded. I sat and cried and sobbed for most of that day. It was much more emotionally charged for me than him. There were a ton of things I could have said or texted but the facts were enough.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Google "Well, bye".
You will find the picture of Powers Boothe as Curly Bill Brocious from the movie "Tombstone".

Copy, paste, send.

No other words are necessary.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tempting justjim, tempting...


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 975 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^THIS^^^

You're killin' me JJ


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
ForeverBlue
♂ New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maintain your distance Scar. Crickets. Like others have said, don't open yourself up to any drama or new pain. She won't get it and you shouldn't care now. I will be coming up to this stage soon. I get it that she doesn't get it too. Some little emotional jab is tempting I know but you are on a higher ground now. Don't lean over to express anything to her. Silence rings so much louder.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

final petty parting shot

Dude, NO. Highroad. Always.

Crickets.

She will figure it out.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew as soon as I wrote "petty" here that I wouldn't actually do it. I think I will remain completely silent unless if, and only if, I have something I need her to do. I don't need her to know when it's final though because, well, her actions show finalization means nothing to her. If she wants to know where things stand, email goes both ways.


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 975 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is proceeding by default with no participation from the Snake. If the judge signs it a copy of the decree gets mailed to him (even though we are still doing in house). So not planning to say anything. All she should get from you is paperwork you need her to sign etc


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uh, she's a big girl. Either she'll be mailed a copy, or perhaps her L will inform her.

She's been fired. That's that.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was weird when my D was final. I was never notified by the state, county, or my attorney. I knew because I stalked the clerk of court website. I called my ex to tell him when I saw it was signed by the judge, a few days after the fact. He was indifferent. Oh, ok. I would snail mail it if anything.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 32
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