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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to tell her the D is final
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Made: You got good advise here. Just remember, you'll never get the response you desire and deserve so why bother trying (speaking to myself too here since I will be tempted to write a final swan song as well....you can smack me when I post it here). Peace brother you are doing great.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I will continue with crickets tomorrow for sure.

(speaking to myself too here since I will be tempted to write a final swan song as well....you can smack me when I post it here).

All good brother, I know the feeling. It's easy to know how to advise others and another to take that advice. I think It'll get better with time and distance. Thanks for having my back JIPT, and I will have yours.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 971 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you think you should tell her, then tell her.

Why you think that is another matter entirely.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Valid point Merlin. I guess I'm still somewhat in the mindset that she "matters" in my life. I know she's gone, and I know I'll be leaving her in my rear view. Hell, I look forward to ripping that rear-view mirror off the windshield entirely. I'm glad I made this post because before, it didn't occur to me that there was any alternative than to keep her in the loop. Old habits die hard even when those habits drop you. I will remain silent. Giving her any unnecessary communication gives her power she so does not deserve.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 971 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're in exactly the same situation I was. My ex didn't show up for court or do anything except sign the paperwork I emailed him to sign.

I heard from a mutual friend that he didn't even bother to open the summons that the court sent him about our trial.

The court mailed us both copies of the final decree. That's all the more notification he needed in my opinion I was way past being his secretary.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad I made this post because before, it didn't occur to me that there was any alternative than to keep her in the loop.


Until you did this post, it never occurred to me to inform him.
Reading some of the others posts, you aren't the only one that informs their spouse of their D.
Then again, enough on here felt like me too!
Do what makes you comfortable.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(speaking to myself too here since I will be tempted to write a final swan song as well....you can smack me when I post it here).

Me too. For the longest time I imagined move out day as this teary, soap opera worthy, clinging to one another in a final embrace as we part ways and say how sorry we are and how much we love each other and it should have worked out, etc.

Then I started to 180 and detach. I don't know what it's going to look like now, but it isn't going to be soap opera worthy.

NC all the way buddy. Like someone up thread said - you'll never get the response you are looking for.

Good job staying on the high road.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me I would give her a chance to tell me why? Why she gave up on the relationship and coldly brought the axe down on all the years of shared memories.

I suppose now you are divorced she would be less inclined to lie.

As others have said its up to you. As I mentioned in your other post it also depends on your need for some closure, or at least a degree of curiosity concerning her actions.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me I would give her a chance to tell me why?

He'd be giving her a chance to blameshift and rugsweep. Remember who he (and we) are dealing with.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D is final, and I'm staying quiet. She'll figure it out and she can ask me if she wants. I'm done!

OK Now - I see your point, but honestly, I don't know that there's anything she could say that would be good for me to hear. The damage is done, and silence speaks volumes.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 971 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me I would give her a chance to tell me why

In our minds, that's what we'd love to hear.
To have our xWS have some sort of epiphany when they get the D papers and finall, FINALLY clue us in.

In reality, it probably goes more like this:
XWS sees letter from the court on the counter, ignores it, then says to self, "Hmmm...I could go for tacos today....".

As much as we'd like to think we're on their minds, that is RARELY the case.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6367 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GabyBaby - Now I want tacos

Guess who showed up in my inbox this morning. Still all about her. "When do I have to get new dental and vision?" Umm, I already told you all you needed to know like several times. "So, I guess everything went well yesterday (regarding D finalization)?" Me: No thanks to you you ungrateful POS! Nah, all I actually said was "yes." That is all. One word, no more.

She knows. We're done on the subject.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 971 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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