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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: gentle 2x4s please
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't suggesting you manipulate him or bribe him with a false promise. What I suggest is use this remorse (if it is) to negotiate while he feels civil and responsible to get the support and terms that are reasonable. If he can't do that, then it isn't remorse, it is his own manipulation attempt.

You can't find that out if you attack him out of doubt because that puts him on the defensive. If you accept him at face value to get the best terms you can under the most civil terms, I don't think that is manipulative. It is smart and serves you and the kids, which must be your focus.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't really sound like you'd be interested in getting back together on any terms. Why not just accept the apology and move on?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm. Good point.
Wtf is wrong with me.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo...
He has started looking around at new jobs?
But he is still at the same job with the same woman?

So he hasn't actually done anything? just talk? Fuck him.

I'm off to go look at Harvard med school, I think I'll be a fancy doctor.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Klove))))

The waywards confuse the hell out of me. No 2x4. Just a hug.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wtf is wrong with me.

If I may hazard a gentle guess, it sounds like you are still under the mis-impression that his feelings, desires and opinions are more important than yours.

If you are thinking that, on some subconscious deeper level, I would have to disagree with you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At one time Klove I could have written your original post on this thread. What i did was drag him to my therapist and had him vet fWH. When he gave the me/us the ok, we spent some more time with him working on some things that we needed help with. fDH had moved out and we were apart for about 16 months by then. (We had a legal separation in place at the time) I was a hard ass by then, long done with the roller coaster and I didn't make it easy on him, if he wanted me and us bad enough, he had to prove it.

Keep doing what you doing and if he makes any great changes then you can decide what to do about it then, if anything. Action means the most. Words, not so much.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce sucks. So if you have a WS that is truly remorseful.....and you think you can both grow and be stronger than I dissent with the hoovering proponents. This whole you try harder than me ego shit is what continues the insanity wheel. He fucked up, you still wonder....life sometimes gives chances. He may truly realize the grass is not greener. Stop punishing each other, but you both discuss boundaries. Move if you have to, get a change of scenery, perhaps.

Try....

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 11:11 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing in what you've said tells me that you feel for him. Your head and heart have moved on. You're not obliged to have him back, even if he turns into a total saint and wins 'remorseful husband of the year'. Carry on!


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering if this has more to do with being lonely and wanting to feel wanted. It's nice to feel wanted. And I think a bit of it is pride. I'm a type A. I want to win...pretty gross, huh?
Even if I don't want him, I want the control to turn him away.
Ick. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud.

I had the hottest dream about the exbf before I met xh. Phew! I think I'm just lonely.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty normal - I used to want him to beg me back just so I could unceremoniously reject him. He did try on a few fishing expeditions but I shut that shit down before he could even try. No way - no how.

It passes - I no longer want to have anything to do with him, not even to reject him.

Don't forget he was a large source of validation for you for a long time. Like scratching an old itch.

Remember my favourite NIKism: "They know exactly which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!".

All of this contact will ale you start doubting yourself. I know you feel validated and vindicated somewhat right now but it can and will bite you in the arse. I recommend you go back to NC. If he has true remorse it won't stop him from doing the work he needs to fix himself - for himself.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if I don't want him, I want the control to turn him away.

Of course this is very normal and natural. XW hoovered on our anniversary last December and I rebuffed her. I felt very empowered and vindicated--but only for a day or so. Then I just felt sad at the waste and tragedy of it all. I believe we can't live our lives waiting for the next time he/she tries to come back so we can reject them. It is just a manifestation of their having control over us--our emotional well-being dependent on theirs.

But again, I understand. I have many fantasies in which she hoovers again so I can hurl at her a dramatic rejection-speech. Just remember who he really is and what he did!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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