Me- husband 53 BS/WS
Her- wife 54 WW 3 month affair
Married 20 years lived together 24 years
Children daughter 17
But I have to say, prior to me and my WH getting married we cheated, so were I guess Madhatters. So, I do have some experience being on both sides. At that time though, we both confessed immediately after, so it's not something either is in the dark about.
My feeling is that you do need to tell. But, I do not feel one cheating justifies the other cheating. This was not the case with us-no revenge cheating.
So no, she is not entitled to cheat for what you did 10 years ago. Though she will have every right to feel extremely betrayed and hurt. Especially since it has been hidden all these years.
Overall, if you want to go forward in an open, intimate marraige both should tell all and explore why through IC and MC. If you expect her to "get it" be sure that you do, if you know what I mean. Good luck to you.
You might post about this in the WS forum to get input from other WSes. Also, in this forum, you have little protection from angry BSes; in the WS forum, you can prevent BSes from posting on your threads. You can ask the mods to move or lock this thread.
IMO, honesty is essential to R, and I don't think 'indiscretion' is quite the right term for multiple ONSes. Just sayin'....
[This message edited by sisoon at 8:21 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]
This doesn't have to be a lose-lose. You're not in any more difficult a situation than WS who frequently come here having just ended an A, agonizing over whether to blindside their blissfully ignorant, faithful BS.
You strike me as a smart guy and a straight shooter, and not easily offended. So. You've been deceiving your wife all these years because you're a more accomplished liar than she, and she trusted you. Had she busted you back then, maybe you'd be the one facing daughter's anger and living apart from the family.
I feel I would be hypocritical if I didn't say anything
You're right. You already know the answer to your question. She's always deserved to know. Why does daughter know about Mom's "indiscretions" anyway? Unfortunately you're going to have to tell daughter, too. That's a heavy load for a 17-year-old to carry, but at this point you have little choice.
Yeah, cheating on you was inexcusable, badmouthing you to her friends was shitty. You did nothing to deserve that, including cheating on her. Seriously.
my wife's reaction would either be make her feel better that she was "justified" in her actions thus making it harder for her to work toward R or make her angry leading to more bad behavior and/or a divorce
Ain't shit you can do about her reaction. Be authentic anyway. Let go of the outcome. She's gonna do what she's gonna do.
The therapist herself has said that I was a good husband and my wife did not have any major reasons to cheat.
The therapist sounds fucking clueless about infidelity. Your prowess as a husband has zip-zero-nada to do with your wife's cheating. That is 100% on her, just like yours was 100% on you. You (both) cheated because you have shitty coping mechanisms, and thought having a "purely physical" fling (or 10) was a brilliant solution to whatever real or imagined problems you had at the time.
I can relate to your dilemma. I recently discovered that my husband was involved in multiple PAs and EAs over the past two years. After his DDay, I came clean about my own cheating incident--I made out with a man at a party over 12 years ago. I cleaned up my shit after that day, stopped putting myself at risk by abusing alcohol, and never repeated my poor choice. But I still confessed because I wanted a better relationship going forward---one based on honesty and trust, not secrets and lies.
I would never judge anyone for choosing differently because it was a hard decision and it definitely hasn't made for an easy road. I think, though, if you want a clean slate going forward, and the hope for a better relationship, radical honesty is something to consider.
At the very least, I highly recommend talking your past infidelity out with your IC. If you haven't addressed those issues that enabled you to cheat thoroughly, you are still at risk.
Like 20Wrongs says, there are no justifications for cheating--only broken people and their bad choices. Hopefully with IC your spouse will come to that realization as well.
My WH also cheated early on in our M, repeatedly. He also stopped on his own, and finally fessed up 5 years after the last A. I always suspected he was cheating, but could never prove it. It's possible your W suspected you of cheating as well.
Your cheating does not excuse her cheating, but it will definitely make R harder. The fact is you are both WS's and BS's.
Think about the pain you're in now. That is the same pain your WW/BW is going to feel. This may indeed be the death knell for your M, but she still deserves to know. She has been living a lie all these years...that is totally unfair to her. I don't know how your R is going, although it sounds like it's not going well. Put yourself in her position...would you want to be living a lie?
Sorry if this sounded harsh, maybe it strikes too close to home for me (although I never cheated). But your WW/BW deserves to know the truth.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
I feel I would be hypocritical if I didn't say anything and if I bring it up in therapy I don't want it to distract from the efforts of the therapist and I to get my wife to realize the effects of what she's done and what her part in R should be.
Another thought...do you realize the effects of what you've done? You want your WW/BW to own her shit; are you ready to do the same? What do you feel her part in R should be? What do you feel your part in R should be? Have you told your therapist about your multiple A's. You say you think it would be hypocritical to not say anything. I agree. I think you're being hypocritical right now too. It sounds like you want your WW/BW to take responsibility for her actions...are you ready to do the same?
you want your WW/BW to take responsibility for her actions...are you ready to do the same?
What kind of foundation are you planning on building your M on? Total honesty is just that. Yep, works both ways.
Sending strength to do the right thing.
Me: WH, 50
Her: BW, 50
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened 14-15 years ago w/coworker)