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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Past Affairs by BS?
CertainlyHurtin
♂ New Member
Member # 43254
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 4 months post DDay trying to work it out in MC. My wife had a 3 month affair with her married boss. Post discovery the boss went back to his wife and my wife quit her job. My wife claims they were never in love and it was all purely physical. The therapist herself has said that I was a good husband and my wife did not have any major reasons to cheat. Although she says she never stopped loving me, my wife has been reluctant to act remorseful, commit to openness and honesty or talk much about the affair. She has talked badly about me to all of her friends. The wife moved out after Dday due to our daughter's anger. At the therapist's suggestion I have been spending more time with the wife and we have even gone out on dates. It's been a bumpy road but things between us have been getting better with her seeming to slowly "get it". My question is this: If we do end up reconciling, should I come clean about my own indiscretions that happened over 10 years ago? In the first years of my marriage I had a string of affairs, mostly one night stands with people I knew I'd never see again. After my daughter was older I stopped and never considered straying again. I feel I would be hypocritical if I didn't say anything and if I bring it up in therapy I don't want it to distract from the efforts of the therapist and I to get my wife to realize the effects of what she's done and what her part in R should be. On the other hand I feel that if this info is revealed, my wife's reaction would either be make her feel better that she was "justified" in her actions thus making it harder for her to work toward R or make her angry leading to more bad behavior and/or a divorce. I feel I'm trapped in a lose-lose situation with regards to my coming clean about my past. Anybody have any insight or experience dealing with this?

Me- husband 53 BS/WS
Her- wife 54 WW 3 month affair
Married 20 years lived together 24 years
Children daughter 17


Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: California
LovelyDaffodils
♀ Member
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well.... You may want to post in the Madhatters thread-those who are both BS and WS. They would have more answers for you.

But I have to say, prior to me and my WH getting married we cheated, so were I guess Madhatters. So, I do have some experience being on both sides. At that time though, we both confessed immediately after, so it's not something either is in the dark about.

My feeling is that you do need to tell. But, I do not feel one cheating justifies the other cheating. This was not the case with us-no revenge cheating.
So no, she is not entitled to cheat for what you did 10 years ago. Though she will have every right to feel extremely betrayed and hurt. Especially since it has been hidden all these years.

Overall, if you want to go forward in an open, intimate marraige both should tell all and explore why through IC and MC. If you expect her to "get it" be sure that you do, if you know what I mean. Good luck to you.


BS me 49
WS 42
OW easy NSA he says he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 11 yrs
Together 20
In house S, Divorcing

Posts: 73 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's a tough one. There's a part of me as a BS who wishes my WS had gotten his act together, stopped doing what he was doing and I never had to know (he considered this possibility at first)...I feel I would have been able to live my life in a much happier place, had he not burst my bubble (I loved our marriage prior to DD). I know it doesn't 'fix' what's gone on, but if I've stayed to R with him knowing what I know now, then I feel like not knowing would have been a lot easier on everyone involved...as long as it had stopped. For you, this did stop years ago and as you said this information coming out will change the dynamics of R however there's also the idea of 'putting all the cards on the table' because if you do R and then another 5yrs go by and she finds out about your As at that point...well, then you've got a whole new set of problems on your hands, especially if you came across as the 'perfect and never swayed' BS during your recovery. There are certainly 2 schools of thought on this one, and I would recommend you figure out what your MC's views on this are before talking to your wife...maybe in an IC session first before going together?

Posts: 516 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, you're trapped in a lose-lose sitch. Yes, if you tell your W, this will distract from and immensely complicate her healing/change. It also distracts from and immensely complicates your healing.

You might post about this in the WS forum to get input from other WSes. Also, in this forum, you have little protection from angry BSes; in the WS forum, you can prevent BSes from posting on your threads. You can ask the mods to move or lock this thread.

IMO, honesty is essential to R, and I don't think 'indiscretion' is quite the right term for multiple ONSes. Just sayin'....

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:21 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10055 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I commend you for coming here and posing this question. Even anonymously, it couldn't have been easy.

This doesn't have to be a lose-lose. You're not in any more difficult a situation than WS who frequently come here having just ended an A, agonizing over whether to blindside their blissfully ignorant, faithful BS.

You strike me as a smart guy and a straight shooter, and not easily offended. So. You've been deceiving your wife all these years because you're a more accomplished liar than she, and she trusted you. Had she busted you back then, maybe you'd be the one facing daughter's anger and living apart from the family.

I feel I would be hypocritical if I didn't say anything

You're right. You already know the answer to your question. She's always deserved to know. Why does daughter know about Mom's "indiscretions" anyway? Unfortunately you're going to have to tell daughter, too. That's a heavy load for a 17-year-old to carry, but at this point you have little choice.

Yeah, cheating on you was inexcusable, badmouthing you to her friends was shitty. You did nothing to deserve that, including cheating on her. Seriously.

my wife's reaction would either be make her feel better that she was "justified" in her actions thus making it harder for her to work toward R or make her angry leading to more bad behavior and/or a divorce

Ain't shit you can do about her reaction. Be authentic anyway. Let go of the outcome. She's gonna do what she's gonna do.

The therapist herself has said that I was a good husband and my wife did not have any major reasons to cheat.

The therapist sounds fucking clueless about infidelity. Your prowess as a husband has zip-zero-nada to do with your wife's cheating. That is 100% on her, just like yours was 100% on you. You (both) cheated because you have shitty coping mechanisms, and thought having a "purely physical" fling (or 10) was a brilliant solution to whatever real or imagined problems you had at the time.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CertainlyHurtin))). I'm sorry you find yourself here...discovering your spouse has been cheating is incredibly painful and devastating, and to find that they've been performing character assassination on top of that hurts even more. I've lived that, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I can relate to your dilemma. I recently discovered that my husband was involved in multiple PAs and EAs over the past two years. After his DDay, I came clean about my own cheating incident--I made out with a man at a party over 12 years ago. I cleaned up my shit after that day, stopped putting myself at risk by abusing alcohol, and never repeated my poor choice. But I still confessed because I wanted a better relationship going forward---one based on honesty and trust, not secrets and lies.

I would never judge anyone for choosing differently because it was a hard decision and it definitely hasn't made for an easy road. I think, though, if you want a clean slate going forward, and the hope for a better relationship, radical honesty is something to consider.

At the very least, I highly recommend talking your past infidelity out with your IC. If you haven't addressed those issues that enabled you to cheat thoroughly, you are still at risk.

Like 20Wrongs says, there are no justifications for cheating--only broken people and their bad choices. Hopefully with IC your spouse will come to that realization as well.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS who's WH had many "indiscretions" as you like to call them, I can say that yes, you should tell her.

My WH also cheated early on in our M, repeatedly. He also stopped on his own, and finally fessed up 5 years after the last A. I always suspected he was cheating, but could never prove it. It's possible your W suspected you of cheating as well.

Your cheating does not excuse her cheating, but it will definitely make R harder. The fact is you are both WS's and BS's.

Think about the pain you're in now. That is the same pain your WW/BW is going to feel. This may indeed be the death knell for your M, but she still deserves to know. She has been living a lie all these years...that is totally unfair to her. I don't know how your R is going, although it sounds like it's not going well. Put yourself in her position...would you want to be living a lie?

Sorry if this sounded harsh, maybe it strikes too close to home for me (although I never cheated). But your WW/BW deserves to know the truth.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel I would be hypocritical if I didn't say anything and if I bring it up in therapy I don't want it to distract from the efforts of the therapist and I to get my wife to realize the effects of what she's done and what her part in R should be.

Another thought...do you realize the effects of what you've done? You want your WW/BW to own her shit; are you ready to do the same? What do you feel her part in R should be? What do you feel your part in R should be? Have you told your therapist about your multiple A's. You say you think it would be hypocritical to not say anything. I agree. I think you're being hypocritical right now too. It sounds like you want your WW/BW to take responsibility for her actions...are you ready to do the same?


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you want your WW/BW to take responsibility for her actions...are you ready to do the same?

What kind of foundation are you planning on building your M on? Total honesty is just that. Yep, works both ways.

Sending strength to do the right thing.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2797 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
hikingwithkoda
♂ Member
Member # 41891
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely been there. On D-day, as I was reeling from the discovery of my WW's A, she asked if I had ever done anything like that. Without even thinking about it, I admitted my own A 15 years earlier. To this day, I don't know why I just blurted it out; I had successfully kept it from her for so long, had never even come close to repeating that behavior, and there was no way she ever would have found out without my admission. Yet, I felt I would have been a totally hypocritical douchebag if I didn't admit the truth. Plus, I wanted there to be nothing but pure 100% honesty between us, so I guess I admitted my own guilt to demonstrate that. To her credit, WW has rarely brought it up and has NEVER used it as "well you did, so how can you be angry at me?" I know I got lucky there.


Me: BH, 50
Her: WW, 50
D-Day 12/27/2013 3-month PA with family friend

But also:
Me: WH, 50
Her: BW, 50
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened 14-15 years ago w/coworker)


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 10

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