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Newest Member: StrongAndCapable (44279)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Contacting OP?
Wall321
New Member
Member # 43257
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I found out last week that my wife has had a physical relationship with her/our friend since the fall. I had my suspicions but gave the benefit of the doubt and was being very sensitive not to stifle her or make her feel bad for hanging out with her friend. I felt like it was crossing boundaries as it went on though, texting and hanging out later and later.
We were together for 3 years then married for two. She left me in January (blaming the relationship and me) and has been crying for the last three months in couples therapy saying she feels guilty that she has feelings for him and that I don't listen/empathize. Then she decided to not come back home because of those reasons. We ended couples therapy when she made that decision 4 weeks ago. I learned last week she feels guilty and left because she acted on those feelings ilong before and felt so bad she had to leave and couldn't say why.
She is now in a horrible state of despair as am I and she says she feels terrible and can barely live with herself. She had to sign a suicide contract with her therapist. (That she won't kill herself) Our last set of conversations is basically me telling her she is a pos liar that really blew up her life and I can't believe how violent and destructive she could be towards me, then telling her to call me if she feels like she is going to hurt herself. Then I'll text her how excited I am to go get std tests this week because of her recklessness.
I want to contact the op. I want everyone he knows to know he's a pos. we have mutual friends. I want to contact his ex and ask if she ever had suspicions or knew of anything. I also think taking the high road will be best in the long run but the urge is so strong. I feel like I need to expose him. I feel like I need to contact him and his ex in order to move on. While he and my wife are both pos's I don't want to do anything that would make my wife want to hurt herself. She is worried about people knowing and being perceived as a bad person. I miss her but I don't think there is any chance we can reconcile. She recently started talking about reconciliation, just before she admitted to the truth. Probably finally realizing what a pos he is and that she would not have half the life with him as she did with me. She is just a very immature and manipulative person.
The other thing is that I'm having trouble crying. I really feel like crying for a while would feel good but I can't get there.
So - is it okay to contact the op's ex (sanely)? Is it okay to contact the op (sanely)? I want to let all his friends know what kind of person he is (maybe via disclosing in passing to a few people) I know I'm not responsible for my wife's actions but I also don't want my healing to be to her detriment. And any tips for crying?
Thanks, this sucks.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2014
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I highly recommend exposing him and her. You didn't commit the crime. This is a big what if but what if you let it slide and this pos starts messing with another one of your mutual friends wives? I'd want all to be informed that he and she both aren't trustworthy stand up human beings.

Of course your wife doesn't want people to know. She's a big girl and needs to understand that what she did is real and there are consequences for trifling with your heart.

On the crying part I can't give any advice. When I found out it came to me immediately and hasn't stopped. It's not as frequent but I still mourn.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 548 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, I suggest you put OM on the back burner for a bit and concentrate on the real problem, your WW. This woman has created this mess and has done everything she can not to accept blame for any of it. Cant live with herself my ass!!!! She is playing you, the MC and anyone else who she can spin her tale of woe to. She gets to play the victim here and has what she always has wanted, ATTENTION. I'm sure the OM is a real POS, but he is not the problem here. The problem is your WW and her reluctance to accept total responsibility. Bro, you were only M 2 years and she is banging your buddy. Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. This woman has no remorse for her actions. All she cares about is how people are going to perceive her. Well too fucking bad, guess she should have thought of that before she started fucking another guy. And perhaps she did think about it and simply did not care because she figured she could manipulate you into keeping quiet about it. I cry fucking foul on that one. Expose the both of them and let the chips fall where they may.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Expose. Get it over and done with, then focus on recovery.

You know your wife well. While not marginalizing her threats, you seem to recognize it might be a ploy. She talks about guilt simply to stop you from letting people know what she did. Wish you luck


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2013
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Expose them, but I'm not sure contacting OP's ex is appropriate unless the A went on while they were still married. If she was an ex at the time it occurred, I can't see how it is relevant to her unless you simply want to tell her.

I say tell anyone and everyone you want to tell. It is not your job to keep their dirty little secrets. It is not your job to protect how others perceive your WW or OM. I don't see where taking the high road means that you have to cover for what they did. Taking the high road means that you conduct yourself with dignity and self-respect. I don't see where openly acknowledging what they did compromises that.

As far as contacting OP, that is really up to you, but I have deep hesitations about it. You are giving him free rent in your head when he does not deserve any. Confronting him will only show him that. The way I see it, if it had not been that particular OM at that particular time, it would have been someone else sooner or later given your WW's issues.

I found it very healing to tell people about WH's A's. It ended the isolation I felt when no one knew. As for it being to your WW's detriment, I don't see it. She is the biggest detriment to her own healing. You can not protect her from herself. Her choice to have an A was just that: her choice. How is your WW going to actually grow up and learn to deal with herself and her choices if you are trying to protect her from the full ramifications of her choices? Letting her hide from the full fallout will not help her in the long run. It will not help her take full responsibility for her life. How is she going to be motivated to make better choices for herself in the future if she never has to deal with the full weight of the choices she has already made? She won't.

I don't have any tips for crying except one. I have a tendency to hide my pain under anger. IC helped me with this by having me beat up pillows, yell, and scream to get my anger out. I was to do this until I was completely exhausted. With all that pent up anger out of the way, the tears exploded out of me. It might not work for everyone, but it did for me.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 257 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do NOT contact the OM directly. I can tell you from personal experience that it will not be as satisfying as you think, and will only give him and your WW the chance to hurt you worse. I know how powerful the impulse it, but resist it.

Feel free to tell anyone you wish about the A, though. You are not responsible to keep any secrets. Yes, your WW feels shame and does not want anyone to know. But she made the choice to have the A, and has to deal with the fall out. Allowing her to contact you is she is actually suicidal is very kind. And of course you care, because you love/d her, but you are NOT responsible for her.

You need to do whatever it is that will help you heal. If your healing has a negative effect on her reputation, or even on her mental health, it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. She did not take you into any consideration when making herself feel good during the A. You are not obligated to make her feel better at your expense.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Separated. I need a break from this shit.

Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Wall321
New Member
Member # 43257
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks all, for the advice

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2014
Wall321
New Member
Member # 43257
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been texting my ww a lot of really mean messages. I just need to get it out. Not sure if op even knows that I know. She doesn't know how it feels to tell a doctor that i need full std tests Bc my wife was seeing a scumbag. I've agreed to to help hr with her rent and that she can take pretty much all our wedding gifts. But when I think about her fucking op what the hell. I don't owe her anything. Why should I give her any more money. I've supported her for two years while she went back to school and even took a job I don't like so we could afford everything. But... I can afford to give her what I agreed to: half her rent for 6 months. So the only reason not to do it would be spite. I'm trying to balance right and wrong on so many levels. She is with him now. Celebrating my sacrifices. Wtf!!!? The only reason to withhold now would be pure spite I think. But I don't owe her shit. I've given her everything. She said she wanted R before she disclosed PA, it was supposedly just EA. I think she won't talk to me now because I'm being too mean. And she is feeling guilty and psychologically frail. Ugh, this is the worst. I want her to know and understand that she is the worst person I've ever met but I also want her here, now. God this sucks.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is with him now. Celebrating my sacrifices. Wtf!!!?
She was with the OM last night?

So is the affair continuing?

Calling the OM might or might not make you feel better. Chances are it will make you feel better if you only do the talking and not let him say much. You do not need to hear him lie to you as well as your wife.

The OM will lie, usually the OM will throw the WW under the bus if given a chance. Which is usually a huge wake up call for the WW.

Do not make threats to the OM, that will just make things worse.


Posts: 3532 | Registered: Jun 2002
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been texting my ww a lot of really mean messages.

Please stop this. For your sake, for her sake.

She could use these against you. And if she's in the delicate state you,say she is, you are pushing her further. And for what?

As for outing the OM. Sure. No freebies for jerks like this.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quoting Bigger08 above

Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. This woman has no remorse for her actions. All she cares about is how people are going to perceive her. Well too fucking bad, guess she should have thought of that before she started fucking another guy. And perhaps she did think about it and simply did not care because she figured she could manipulate you into keeping quiet about it. I cry fucking foul on that one. Expose the both of them and let the chips fall where they may.

She's not stopping the A. She's continuing and you are in a text war? Please for your sake, stop texting her. Stop all contact with her. I know it's difficult but she's showing you that she has made her choice. There isn't any remorse. She's choosing OP. I'm very sorry and I know it's very painful to hear. Sure you can still burn it down. It may give you some slight satisfaction at first, but it's still not going to fix the problem that is your W.

Have you contacted an attorney yet? Explore your options. Know your rights.

Get strong brother. Detach. No more texting unless it's about the finances. Please start to take care of yourself Wall321. Worried about you brother.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While paying some of her expenses for a period of time might be the right thing to do, find out what your rights and obligations are first. Talk to a lawyer who specializes in divorce and acquire knowledge. Once you know what your likely obligations are, you will be in a better position to tailor an appropriate level of generosity.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Wall321
New Member
Member # 43257
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I saw OP today driving down the street. He pretended he didn't see me. I didn't feel as crazy as I thought I would. I stared the car down till it drove out of sight. I'm sure he saw me. I've told a few mutual friends/acquaintances about the A, which helps in a way.

I spoke to WW and I asked if she loved him and she said she didn't know. I asked if they were having an exclusive relationship and she said she is keeping her distance because she feels she can't be in a relationship right now. I told her I would like to have her in my life in some way as a friend but that I didn't think it would be possible as long as she and OP were together.

So now I have to figure out how to stick to that - not contact her, etc. Which enters a sort of new phase of mourning, not just losing a marriage but a friend, which feels more difficult.

The petty thing that I suffer the most when I get caught up in thinking about it, is that I don't know when the PA started. I know it was EA for over a year, but rationalized it as a friendship. That is the only thing I want to know. I don't need details, etc. I just want to know the first time it was physical. Whenever I ask WW and push it - the date gets a little earlier moving from end of november to beginning of november. I know she is lying because of course she knows the first time but she'll say "around this time or that time/i don't remember" but then I review emails / phone records and realize that we were together that day or had other plans, etc. And whenever I make a suggestion of a date or time that was slightly earlier she eventually just agrees with my story, repeating the story that I told, "yeah it was then".

Any tips on how to accept that I'll probably never know the truth? Should i just assume the worst - that it was physical for years, before we were married? Or do I need to be some sort of zen master and embrace that I'll never know and learn to be okay with that? Or should I continue to push excruciating conversations that eventually yield a tid bit more of info to get me all worked up again (semi-rhetorical)?

I can feel it coming though - the light. I know eventually I'll realize that I don't need to be consumed by all this negative thought and energy while a world goes by outside. I can see that, I can see letting it go and moving on and being happy. I'm just not there right now.

On the upside, my texts (which I may have miscategorized as mean - they were more blunt and communicative of my perspective) seem to be getting through. She seems to understand what she put me through - having an EA, feeling guilty and blaming me for her feelings and watching things deteriorate over the course of a year because of it. She is starting to see her role, if not more clearly, at least from another perspective.

I want to let her go, there is nothing to hold on to anymore. I want to disconnect from her, but that comes from a negative place right now - to punish her - she'll never get to see me or talk to me. So I'm not sure that is all that healthy. But I think I have to do that in order to move on, otherwise, I'll keep getting stuck and obsessed with tidbits or whatever other non-relevant crap gets kicked up.

I think I could be her friend if she was with OP, but not if she is lying to me. I think she would need to tell me the date it started. And then how would I ever believe her?

She is a selfish self absorbed immature girl living in a fantasy world.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can feel it coming though - the light. I know eventually I'll realize that I don't need to be consumed by all this negative thought and energy while a world goes by outside. I can see that, I can see letting it go and moving on and being happy. I'm just not there right now.

Keep going. Drop the "friends" idea. And fast!!! After what she has done to you, the pain she has caused is going to continue to go on in any capacity other than letting her go completely. Forget "friends". She's still very much in this A.

think I could be her friend if she was with OP, but not if she is lying to me. I think she would need to tell me the date it started. And then how would I ever believe her?

If she's with OP and with you in a "friends" capacity, would she have to be honest about still fucking the OP? This is not going to work. Forget this idea.

You will never know all of the truth. She has no remorse for it. Let her go and accept that fact. Keep going towards the light. Let her go and get yourself well.

IF there is a shot at R, not saying there is, the only way to find out is to let it all go.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Wall321)))

I'm so sorry that you ended up here. It really, really sucks. At least here you can get some good advice and a bit of sanity.

Wishing you well.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing is that I'm having trouble crying. I really feel like crying for a while would feel good but I can't get there.

Sit quietly. Breathe in for 5, hold and then out for 5. Keep doing slow breathing, trying to get deeper into your diaphragm (tummy filling with air, not your chest), follow your breaths all the way down,deep deep inside yourself and all the way back up and out. Do this for about half an hour.

Or watch a weepy movie, that works as well.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5019 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 16

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