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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
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♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time posting, finally taking the plunge from lurking to being an active part of the community so I apologize if my advice isn't the norm. I'm a little over three months out since dday and mind movies were by far the worst part although I can safely say I feel rather ambivalent towards them at this point. What worked for me was a two step process:

Step 1) Remember, most people do not marry virgins. Usually both parties have had previous sexual experiences. What worked for me is reminding myself we both had sexual partners before and from there I tried to push her A into that category in my mind. It worked most of the time or at least well enough that the pain wasn't utterly debilitating.

Step 2) I desensitized myself to them, and this included emotional mind movies as well not just the sexual ones. Do this by playing out the mind movies over and over again, play them again, and some more. Even when I was sick of them, I played them more. Eventually I became bored i them and they no longer stopped me in my tracks.

The caveat to this was I had to compartmentalize them in step 1 so that I had the emotional fortitude to deal with them in step 2. I've since de-compartmentalized them and am very secure in the fact that they did occur in my relationship and not prior to, but there was a definitive risk that I could be employing compartmentalization for life.

Hope this helps.

Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mind movies are very bad. I read to try to re-envision them with comical elements to take the sting out. Didn't work either.

I too used the" well she even had a husband before me", and that did help some. Never had mind movies of him. It's like a curtain is over everything before "us".

I think something breaks inside us that just takes time and good memories over it to heal. No tricks work, and you may take a ride down the rabbit hole even years later. But from what I've read on SI it does get better, so I'm setting my hopes on that.

Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with ldyD's comment with one addition...

He chose Me!
I Won, NOT her!
She (the OW) does NOT deserve any space in my mind!
He loves Me!
He's proving his love

And then, in my mind, I punch her in the face as hard as I can.

Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years

Best quote ever...
The only thing I can say, is that cheaters have downgraded the value of the person they cheat on. But if we all take a step back, we can say "no" to the downgrade that was

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have young kids, too. It completely changes the ball game. Completely. I am only 3 weeks out, but I'm in a wait and see frame of mind. I literally don't have the strength right now to raise the 3 little's on my own. Tried for 6 weeks and it is god awful. So, for me, I'm applying to nursing schools, focusing on me, getting counseling. In my heart, I know our marriage is not over. I believe that when(if) the time comes to divorce, you will know. And in the mean time, we each have the oppurtunity to grow. I love this man, but he's not who I thought he was. Maybe with time I will learn to love the man he really is. Maybe not. But I don't need to decide today. Neither do you.

"the world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places"
Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, how old is your newborn? Post Partum Depression is no joke and nothing to be ashamed of. It's a tough time even without this bullshit added in. There is no shame in asking a doc for antidepressants.

"the world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places"
Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not PPD...I'm sure being PP isn't helping my outlook any, but all the sadness/hopelessness is is derived from the cheating. :-/ I'd love to take some wellbutrin for a while, but I'm breastfeeding. And by the time she's weaned, I better not need ADs anymore, and if I did, I'd probably be working on a divorce! :-(

BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I worry that this is a deal breaker but I keep going because I still have hope. It's been exactly a year since d day and my emotions are still all over the place. I know I'm not in the right frame of mind to make such a huge decision right now. I don't think it's ever a waste of time to try to save your marriage...even if it doesn't work out. At least you can walk away saying I gave it everything I had.

Posts: 635 | Registered: Jul 2013
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