I say she can no longer affect me financially. I have to admit (as if you can't see it in my posts) that she is still occupying more head space than I should allow. Then again, its only been 3 months since it all fell apart, or at least when I knew what was going down. Up until then, she was as close to perfect as anyone I've ever know. She was my one true love, my life, and my world. Turning that off takes some time, but time helps. Reflection helps. Anger certainly helps. NC, the 180, and, of course, all you good people - it all helps, and I know I will get to that point of indifference with regards to her. She is my past now, not my present, and certainly not my future. She chose to start us down this path, but I chose to finish it.
In reflection, I came to a realization yesterday, or at least put a concept to it along with many words to describe "it." I have this "it," while she didn't. She is a parasite and a mimic with no inner self-direction. She always has been per hindsight and it's 20/20 vision. I suppose I can take it as a credit to me that what she mimicked back for so long was as close to true love as such a shell of a soul can do. I was truly, truly happy, and in turn, she reflected all that back. She, the parasite, fed on the happiness that I thought she gave me, but really, it was always me. I have the "it." Some call it a soul. Some call it inner strength. Some call it a morale compass. Some call it the presence of God in your heart and mind. Some simply call it an identity, a true sense of self, an equilibrium of the basic components that separate man from animals - love. We all, in one form or another, mimic those closest to us and/or those we strive to be like. We can wear certain clothes, hang out in certain circles, listen to certain music, etc. etc. When the chips are down and the masks are stripped away, what's left underneath is who you truly are. There is something scarred, yet equally beautiful underneath my surface. Beneath hers, well, it's nothingness. It's black, cold, and lifeless. It is the parasite that cannot exist on its own and cannot feel real love.
My "it" is what has gotten me through life and all it's thrown at me, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. "It" will get me through this too. It has already taken me farther than I possibly could have dreamed for in 3 months. Of course, "it" knows I can't do this alone. IC, my true friends, and my family have helped in so many ways. Of course, the biggest piece of my recovery and rebirth is thanks to the very good people of SI. Seriously, when I say I love each and every one of you, I mean it. I am tearing up due to the strength and peace you put in my heart on a daily basis. It says so very much about the character of people who can be suffering immeasurable Hell, yet still reach out to others in that same Hell to lift them up. We all have "it." We are 43,000+ of the best, truest and purest souls on this planet. No, I do NOT think I'm exaggerating that in the slightest. This site in an inspiration, a godsend, and a thing of absolute beauty even with all the pain written in it's pages. Thank you all so very much.
So, I'm writing this from home over a late breakfast, after which I'll head into the office. Just the fact that I can go to work after this morning kind of shows where my head is at now. I did not do cartwheels out of the courtroom, nor did I break down and plead to anyone what would listen to please not let this happen. I'm just kinda "meh." I do feel, if anything, a bit of relief. Another milestone down, and a step closer to reconnecting with myself and learning to love me again. When I do look for the one, I will not be looking for a woman who can "complete me." I will not be looking to "save" anyone. I will not be looking for a "better half." I will, however, welcome someone who has "it," and who loves me simply for love's sake. She won't need me, nor I her. True love needs not.
Tonight, I'll toast my past and my future with a small family gathering. Tomorrow, I'll take the day off to let it all hit me if it's going to. Then, it's back to the grind. Today, April 28th, 2014, I am parasite free. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Stay strong and know that she doesn't deserve the satisfaction of being in your head. Remember what you just said..."parasite free." Once a parasite is gone, they are not able to feed off the host. She's gone, you are gone, the relationship is gone.
You are free!
You understand....you get it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Have you any idea why she wanted the divorce? Why her marriage suddenly became intolerable?
I think you need some feedback from her just to get some closure. If its some other guy then at least you know. Something of a strange situation you find yourself in.
OK now - I don't know that I will ever get closure or that I need it, at least not from her. My closure will be mine to create, and today was another step towards that. The only "reasons" she ever gave me were vague, like "intimacy issues" that were far more in her head than anywhere else and "a need to be alone," "I've never been on my own before," "I married too young." I could go on, but yeah, it's all about her and some "needs" that she never intended to talk through with me, counseling, anyone but new friends I never met. She's a follower, and this new group gave her a new life, one without me and the pain of our son and her lost fertility. The momentos of our son that she left behind speak volumes, including a necklace she wore ALL THE TIME with his name and birthstone on it. "I didn't want to answer when people asked who he was." Yeah, she said that.
There's just so much in hindsight that I was blinded to by my unwavering love and trust for her. What it boils down to is she's running, and as much as she runs, she'll never find what she "needs." That's not my worry anymore. I would've worked on anything for her, done whatever it would've taken. She's all about the path of least resistance. That's why I will be stronger than ever for having endured this pain, faced it, and learned from it. She will continue to make the same mistakes.
She did "swear" she wasn't leaving to be with someone else. I don't know that I believe that. I don't know that it makes any difference. She already proved she could carry on an affair with someone else while we were married, and that's all I need to know about her personal life and her character as it effects me. That's why we're divorced. That's why what she does from here on out just does not matter.
Heh, the last time we spoke via email, she hinted yet again that any time I wanted to talk or see how's she doing, all I "have to do is ask :)" I'm quoting her with the smiley face and all. That's a sign of a woman so far detached from reality that she thinks she still matters. She hurt me in the cruelest way possible, and seems to think we still may be friends when the dust settles. Then again, any time I'd initiate the conversation because I need her to do something (like financial matters with the divorce) it could be like pulling teeth sometimes to get a reply. In her mind, she's moved on so much that the divorce is something that is mine and mine alone to handle. That's not her life anymore. Therefore, she's not mine.
Anyway, I think I'd like to try and not talk about her for a while While I know this won't be the last time I discuss her in this community, I hope it'll continue to become less and less about her and more and more about healing and moving forward. That's what will bring me all the closure I need.
[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 12:23 PM, April 28th (Monday)]
She, the parasite, fed on the happiness that I thought she gave me, but really, it was always me. I have the "it."
^^ This is exactly it. Knowing it is one thing but feeling it is another.
I disagree with the poster suggesting seeking 'closure' from her now. Any reason she might give are reasons to D - not to cheat. There are no valid reasons to cheat - to not have remorse. None at all.
Keep your focus on you - it would be wasted on her.
You just keep doing you MoS - focus on your healing and your future. Your son is watching over you and giving you the strength and motivation to heal and rebuild your life.
I feel like I'm falling in love with myself and my life all over again. I still get weepy, I'm still mourning but I feel myself healing more and more each day.
She won't need me, nor I her. True love needs not.
It doesn't sound right to say I'm "happy" for you, or "congratulations", because we both know this outcome is the last thing you wanted. It was never desired, only necessary, as was my divorce. I can say that I'm glad this last shackle has been removed, and you are now free to move on with nothing to hold you back. That said, move on at your own pace. Don't force it, let it all flow in it's own time.
Things happened fast for you, as they did for me, and when I was 3 or so months out, I thought I would never be happy again. Not for real, not that mountain top kind of happy that we've talked about before. I thought all that was behind me, and what was in front of me just seemed empty and pointless, a faded version of life.
I can tell you that I have found my happiness again. The real happiness I seriously believed was gone forever. I found it last week, on a boat in Hawaii. Now granted, being in paradise certainly helped, but I found my moment perched on the very front of a catamaran, with nothing but wind and sky and bright blue waves racing beneath me. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it was a very Titanic "king of the world" like moment, both physically and emotionally. All of a sudden it just HIT me, how *glad* I am to be alive, how *relieved* I am to be free of lies and deceit, and living life on MY terms again, and how *excited* I am for all the adventures that are still ahead of me. Let's just say the tears on my cheeks weren't from the wind, and the other passengers probably thought I was nuts, crying and laughing out there on the tip where no one else wanted to stand. Crazy people, they missed out on an amazing view, especially once the dolphins showed up!
Anyway... you said this:
What it boils down to is she's running, and as much as she runs, she'll never find what she "needs." That's not my worry anymore.
and my friend you are right on the money. She's never going to find "it" because she's looking outside herself for it, and expecting some other person to provide it for her. People like this (my ex as well), are a black hole, sucking the life and love out of everyone around them, and still never getting their "needs" met. She will keep trying though, and people will keep "failing" her. But as you said, this is not your worry anymore. If you're like me, as time goes by, you'll feel more and more aware of the lightness, and you'll start to wonder how you ever walked a step under that burden, that impossible burden she was asking you to carry for her.
Scars, you are going to be fine. Better than fine. You have an amazing life ahead of you. I firmly believe this. Because you DO have "it", like you said. You've always had it, and it is everything you mentioned: a soul, a moral compass, faith in yourself and YES, the knowledge that your own happiness is your own responsibility and therefore no one else's job. It is a strength and a self-respect that has gotten you through prior loss, and now this... without becoming jaded and losing yourself. "It" will see you through the rest of the way, I promise.
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling
I wish you the best in your new life. I understand that it is bittersweet. From reading your thoughts and feelings expressed here. I know you will be fine, you will be better than fine, you will be amazing.
Your heart brings me to tears.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
I cannot thank you enough for your support and sentiments. Not just in this post, but throughout. I kind of feel like I just won an Oscar or something, and there with the light on me, I know I will forget so many names so important to my "success." Just know EVERYONE who posted here and then some mean a great deal to me. I cannot possibly pay you back, but dammit if I'm not gonna try.
Full disclosure, I'm a little bit tipsy now. My work crew has my back and surprised me by taking me out for a few beers and then some. The family gathering I mentioned earlier is still happening too, but they're en route. Point is, it's incredible to know who has your back. I feel so much support and love here that it's hard not to break down, but in a good way. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING I can do for any of you, copy and paste these words for "soberer" times and I will honor it. My word is my honor. I don't say anything that I don't mean to back up.
Gypsy - I am so glad you had a great trip. Sorry for not saying something sooner. You deserve it! Thank you for, well, being you.
Thank you all! for those not to where I am yet, it is liberating. I know there will be sadness, but at the same time, getting this peek at the other side...it's worth it.
Your son is watching over you and giving you the strength and motivation to heal and rebuild your life.
I feel like I cannot not respond to that. Thank you SBB, seriously. The toughest question I had to answer today was "are there any children of the marriage?" I had to answer "no," though I wanted to say otherwise. He's very real to me. He's helping me through this. He is and will always be a part of me. I love him very much.
Son, thank you. Please give your mother the strength she needs, whether or not she has asked for it. I will never speak ill of her in my prayers to you, and I know you'll watch over her too. None of this is your fault. If anything, you saved my life. In my darkest hours, I thought about ending it, but what would that accomplish? All that would assure is I'd never see you again, and those who remain on earth who love me would be dealt undue pain. Not to sound cheesy and quote a movie here, but I cannot put it better than the last line of Gladiator -
And now we are Free. I will see you again... but not yet... Not yet!
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller