Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What has IC done for you?
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried starting IC last year but I only went once and wasn't comfortable being honest with the counseller so I didn't go back.

I'm miserable. I am filled with rage and complete despair over the affair still. I feel so suffocated by it. I obsess over it. Wh is doing everything he can...everything I never thought I could get from him he is giving me...model remorseful spouse. Doesn't change the fact that he destroyed me back in 2012.

I'm trying a different IC next week. Do you think if I find a counseller I like it will help me? Sometimes I feel like I am beyond help and a lost cause.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 234 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're not beyond help. What I am finding from listening to people is that most IC fail to understand the trauma associated with the betrayal of an affair.
10 months after two Ddays I had an IC say to me, "I'm sorry, he did what he did, time to move beyond it." And then I went to a new IC, received EMDR therapy and that helped immensely.
Try to find one experienced in healing from this.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need a good IC. I had a couple crappy ones and they did more damage than good quite honestly. I now have one I adore. She helped me with PTSD and focus on the OW, she helped me with calming techniques and recognizing that I don't deal with my emotions. The right one can help! I do find it's such a struggle to find a good one though. We just called to book MC again and the referral company sent us to the exact guy my WH told them we didn't like and didn't want to see again..no way no how will I waste my time again on someone who doesn't even allow us in 6 sessions to address the As! Good luck with this new one, but if it's not a good fit don't be discouraged to keep looking...maybe with the next one ask about their techniques and approaches before going to an appointment, they should be able to provide you that much over the phone.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Mar 2014
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I chose my IC based on her experience in helping individuals affected by infidelity. She has been a large part of my recovery by helping me move through my feeling of anger, hurt and humiliation. She has also provided different strategies for dealing with triggers, moments of rage, and in communicating with fWH. At times, she has been my sounding board when I am feeling frustrated and beyond help. I tend to be a private person and do not like to burden my friends with my problems and issues. My therapist is a safe place for me to express myself freely, without judgment and a place to ask for help.

If you are struggling, it may be worth trying out a new IC. But give it a few sessions before deciding whether to quit. It does take time to build a relationship with the IC.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that you are on here posting that you are concerned you are beyond help says loud and clear....YOU ARE NOT BEYOND HELP.

Those that are beyond help THINK they don't need help.

IC helped me identify and work through PTSD-like symptoms, recognize the destructive nature of using porn and helped me break free from its hold on me, and have nudged our R repeatedly.

We have had 3 therapist to date.....80-90 sessions. One was a LCSW, one was a CSAT/Infidelity specialist, our current one is a certified christian therapist.

They are not miracle workers, just people like us....have their own brokenness that comes with them. So keep that in mind....and evaluate them as you work through your issues. As you grow and change you may find, like we did, that new input was needed.

SI and real life friends are key components too.

The LAST thing you want to do is try to internalize the trauma you went through....and both fWS and BS go through trauma. Debatable if a WS choosing adultery experiences trauma.....as adultery is avoiding pain, including traumatic level pain.

You can do this....keep reaching out.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:10 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm miserable. I am filled with rage and complete despair over the affair still. I feel so suffocated by it. I obsess over it

Angel1177, been there too. Fortunately, the second therapist that I saw specializes in food addiction. She has been essential in helping me uncover the reasons that I turned to food as a coping mechanism. IC has been essential in my healing.

As in any close relationship, one must do the research to find a compatible partner.

All the best to you.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 411 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man.

IC is huge for me.

I found one that was absolutely amazing.

I went through various traumas as a child which I carried with me through adult-hood. The affair was my wake up call.

I was living with anger, dispair, self-hate. You name it, I felt it.

I didn't see how completely broken I was until I started going to my IC.

She opened up my world. She allowed me to see past the traumas, see my strength, find the good I had inside of me.

She change the lenses on the glasses I wear and has completely changed my life.

I am happy, with me and with my life. I am grateful. My husband is able to open up to me and I him, our lives are wonderful.

I don't have the words to do the healing I went through justice.

I wish every BS would get in and find a good IC. The difference between dealing with the pain and living in the pain is a life changer.

So go to IC and find one that makes you feel like you are sitting in your friend's living room. Open up and talk, dig through your pain. Heal and grow, it will be the best choice you will ever make in your life.

You may or may not have other issues, like me, or just the A trauma to heal from.

It doesn't matter, whatever the damage, whatever hurt you have, pulling it apart and dealing with it will help you.

You may or may not stay married, no future is certain.

What is certain for me, is my ability to face my life, see the truth in what I have and to live honestly with my short-coming and my strengths.

GO!! It will free your soul.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Relationships develop with an IC. It's not easy to open up. I say try three times then you will know

I started 6 months after H started his affair. I have been with her 2 years this May. I never mentioned I thought he was unfaithful. I wasn't ready. I had lots of other issues that we talked about. Family stress, being child of severe alcholics, abuse, etc.
I truly feel she made me strong enough to confront H, although I told her with him after dd.

It helps. Just verbaliZing helps


Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're not beyond help. What I am finding from listening to people is that most IC fail to understand the trauma associated with the betrayal of an affair.

I would extend that to saying most IC's fail to understand.

I think a hard truth out IC's in general is there aren't very many really good ones and to make matters worst, there are not a lot of good one's for you specifically. It took a special guy for me to connect with and even then I made him earn it.

None of this is to say you can't find one. My two cent is keep trying them until you connect....don't look to them for answers, just direction and ideas. You are the only one in the entire world who has the answers for you. A good IC can point the way, you drive the car. Would you want it any other way?

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent quite a bit of time trying to decide on a counselor that would be right for me. I was 64 when I found out and I didn't want someone much younger than me. Not that I think that younger counselors can't be good, but I just knew I would not be comfortable talking about some things with a much younger person.

I also knew I wanted a woman. Again, there are some things that I would not be comfortable talking about to a man.

I found someone just my age and she has been wonderful. It mainly gave me a place to talk and talk and talk...LOL. She just lets me and then asks a few questions. I am ALWAYS aprehensive when I head over to her office, but I ALWAYS feel so much better when I leave. It has been three years since I started going, and I still go occasionaly. Maybe twice a year.

My husband also went to her, both as an IC and a MC. She knows us both and that works well.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't look to them for answers, just direction and ideas. You are the only one in the entire world who has the answers for you. A good IC can point the way, you drive the car. Would you want it any other way?

Well said...after pouring out my story to my second IC, she summarized what I had just told her "....and WH is still seeing OW...." "Can you live with him seeing her." She also asked me when I thought I would be done with therapy...what had to happen for me to be okay on my own." She never told me what to decide...just to think about trying some different things to cope ...to handle life. She was referred by a close friend. I was very lucky to find her.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I really hope this is a positive step in my healing.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 234 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.