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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to Do
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with everything Confused615 said! - Tell his wife immediately!! Offer to show her any proof that you have, like the cell phone bill and facebook messages.

This will likely burst the little bubble they are both currently living in, and the OW will surely throw her under the bus.

DO NOT warn your wife that you are doing this, just do it!

Sorry you are hurting, but trust me, right now all the power is in your hands! Do not back down! Trust the people who are commenting here. We have all been where you are right now. Learn from our mistakes.

You cannot "nice" her back into the relationship. Make your demands and if she won't comply, DETACH. File for divorce to prove to her that you are serious.

The best way to get her out of her fog is a hard dose or reality.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to tell the OP wife she wouldnt answer my calls or return my text. I assume my W told her friend not to respond or answer the call.

I feel in my heart that she is having an affair with the OP just from the bill. I ask you would you talk to a friend via text all day long every minute of the day and hide it from your spouse if it was platonic? I think about leaving her and moving on but I dont want to be hasty. She packed a bad last night and has been gone since she claims to be at her parents, My W is upset with me bec I said I think maybe I want a divorce bec I cant accept what she is doing she feels im a bad person for not trying to stick this out even if I cant trust her

She doesn't understand how betrayed I feel by her for her cont lying. I ask is it bad to leave a marriage over this


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi killinmesoftly. You are not wrong. There is definitely something going on. At the very least she is disrespecting you by not acknowledging your feelings. You are her wife. You should come before all others. She's not being transparent. She is still hiding something. And worse still she is driving you crazy by gaslighting you and blame shifting. All of these symptoms are classic wayward when they are in their fog.

Unfortunately, IMHO, no it's not bad leaving a marriage ov er this. IMHO that's something you've said that makes sense. I know this is going to hurt to hear, you have to burn it all down and be willing to let her go. She has already checked out of your marriage. She left. She's going to continue to pursue what I'm now going to refer to as her affair partner. AP. Of course there is something going on.

What about also approaching the AP's wife in person?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi killinmesoftly. In my opinion, your marriage should take priority in your wife's eyes, and that if she values the marriage, she should end all suspicious behaviors. She should know that her suspicious behaviors are hurting you. It sounds to me that your wife is someone who does not respect your marriage and is insensitive to your feelings. It makes sense to me that you suspect something because she's dropping a lot of hint that she may be hiding something.

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yearsofpain
The OP Wife is my W friend and I tried to call her she wont answer or return my text Im sure my W has told her not to answer the phone for me. I feel alone, betrayed and isolated. I currently done know left from right. All I wanted was the truth now she is making me feel like I am in some odd way wrong for feeling how I feel.

I know i was wrong for being so angry and I could have approached it differently or more calm but how could I when I had just found out that she has been lying to me for weeks. I love her I do but Im scared that we are at an impasse and I / We wont be able to move forward bc she cant give up her friend.

She asked me how can she be friends with her co worker/friend but not her wife? I said then you dont be friends with either of them and maintain a professional relationship only with your coworker... She didnt like that response. Bottom line for me is this unless she gives up the friendship with both of them completely removing the toxic 3rd parties out her life and mine then I am leaving her and moving out. I do hope its not a bad decision.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You work at the same place the BW works. Print out the phone records and walk up to her and hand them to her. Tell her your WW has chosen her "friendship" with BW's husband over her own marriage and her own husband.

It sounds like your WW has been setting this stage for awhile. She's already started working on her friend. Im guessing she's told her you're abusive. It would be a good idea to get a VAR and keep it on you at all times.


You are not wrong.

Look...even *if* this is totally platonic...she is choosing to hurt you..she is choosing to lie to you...she is choosing to disrespect you. She is choosing this "friend" over you. ALL of these are "good enough" reasons to file for a divorce.

Im wondering...because BW won't take your calls and it sounds like your WW is a step ahead of you...does she have access to YOUR computer? Are you clearing your SI history? It sounds to me like she knows you are posting here.


ETA: I want to also point you down to the Betrayed Mens Thread in the ICR forum. Great group of men down there.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:24 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She asked me how can she be friends with her co worker/friend but not her wife? I said then you dont be friends with either of them and maintain a professional relationship only with your coworker... She didnt like that response. Bottom line for me is this unless she gives up the friendship with both of them completely removing the toxic 3rd parties out her life and mine then I am leaving her and moving out.

Your response is correct. She has checked out of your marriage. It's good that she saw your anger. So maybe you don't want to go breaking things, but maybe she will at least you know you mean business. You are at an impasse. You need to start to protect yourself and detach from her. This is very painful for you and your interactions with her are exacerbating your pain. Are you familiar with the 180? I didn't see it mentioned in this thread yet unless I missed it...


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the 180 and I want to try it the thing is I dont know if it will work but I m willing to find out.

I dont think she will give up her friends bc she said she will not allow me to tell her who she can and cant be friends with and I am being possessive.

I guess I always thought our Marriage came before any friend

I hate this


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 isn't designed to wake her up. It's for you. it will help you feel stronger and more empowered. It's about taking the focus off of her and her bullshit and putting it on you, and doing things to help YOU.

You're right. Marriage comes before friendship. This isn't a friendship. It's an affair. That she won't admit it doesn't matter...cheaters lie. She is lying.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused
I know she is lying and she refuses to admit it. I want to be with her i would just hate to move out and then sign a lease and she decide to come to her senses. But also i dont want to just sit around waiting on her to figure out whats important either

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know killin. This is rough shit. We are here for you. You've gotten some great advice from others here too. But she really has checked out and doesn't respect your M. Not really. Unfortunately there is only 1 of you in it. Definitely try the 180 and get yourself into a mental head space where she can't hurt you and you can get stronger.

ETA - like confused said the 180 is for you

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:35 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to decide anything that big right now. 180...expose the affair...stop talking to her.

This has all happened very quickly. It's ok to slow down.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks I You are correct it is ok to slow down.. I need to remember that and gain control of my own emotions and feelings.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with confused615


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok. You've had the rug ripped out from under you. You feel like you have no control. But that's not true. You can control yourself and you can make your own decisions. You have more power right now than you realize. WW is shaking in her boots that you will get BW to talk to you and show her your evidence. OM is counting on your WW to keep you under her control and protect their secret.

Affairs are like mushrooms. They thrive in the dark and in bullshit.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks I wish I didnt love her so much and I wish that my heart didnt ache for just her presence How do I stop this?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooo I got the proof I need that my W was still communicating with the OP and has been lying to me about it for 3 weeks over and over again, when I confronted her she said its just a friend but they talk all day long from sun up till sun down. Well I told her I would leave her if she didn't choose our 8yr marriage or her 1 month affair. She said she doesn't like me telling her who she can be friends with and so she no longer knows if she wants our marriage.

She said she needs time and space so I went to a hotel the next day I came home and she wasn't home but her car was. I called her and asked her for her location....

She was at the OP/friends house and has been there since Monday, I left the house, to give her time to choose and think instead she packed her overnight bag and ran as quick as she could to the OP

Im thinking its time to file for divorce Im devastated and I have no clue what to do


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that she chose the OM over you, killinmesoftly. You made it clear that this was a deal breaker, gave her the choice, and she still chose to throw away 8 years for a month of butterflies and rainbows. That is difficult for anyone to stomach.

First step is consulting a lawyer and seeing what filing for D looks like. When you're ready, you can post in S/D and get support from people who are going through the same thing you are and can give you advice. Filing for D also doesn't mean the end of your M. It may be the push she needs to come home but during that time it's up to you to decide if you want to take someone back who may throw your M away again so easily in the future. Only even think about taking her back if she gives you full access to her phone and accounts and you witness her sending a NC letter and verify that she upholds it this time.

In the event that your WW chooses OM over you even after filing, expose their A. Tell the BW and whomever else you wish. Don't keep her dirty secret any longer. If R is not happening, there is no point in not being honest about why your hand has been forced in to filing for D.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I honestly think we are over It hurts but she is making it painfully clear. It HURTS

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
killinmesoftly
♀ New Member
Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So The W and I talked and she said she has developed a connection w/ the OP but claims its not sexual or romantic. This still hurts me. I told her I cant cont our marriage if the OP remains in her life. I feel she is emotionally cheating on me and she denies it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for not accepting this friendship? Am I wrong for making her choose which one of us she wants in her life and not giving her both?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
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