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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to Do
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So The W and I talked and she said she has developed a connection w/ the OP but claims its not sexual or romantic. This still hurts me. I told her I cant cont our marriage if the OP remains in her life. I feel she is emotionally cheating on me and she denies it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for not accepting this friendship? Am I wrong for making her choose which one of us she wants in her life and not giving her both?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
nekonamida
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Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for not accepting this friendship? Am I wrong for making her choose which one of us she wants in her life and not giving her both?

No, no, and no. Gently, she's playing you. Do you think she would give up your marriage and move out for someone she is just friends with? What sense does that make? Don't let her re-write this friendship and doubt yourself. You have proof it was more than just friends. You have every reason to believe that she has some sort of romantic connection otherwise giving up that friendship for the M would be easy. Do you remember the vows your wife made to you? Did they include allowing her to have a boyfriend on the side? Didn't think so. Don't accept permanently being in limbo where she flaunts this "friendship" in your face. You deserve her upholding your vows just the way you did for her. Anything less than that and you can continue down the road you're already walking - to D. It is incredibly selfish of her to ask you to wait around for her as her doting H while she gets her rocks off with OM. No one deserves to live with such blatant pain and disrespected caused by their WS while openly in an A and flaunting it.

Killin, I'm sorry you're going through this and more sorry that you're even considering eating this shit sandwich she has handed you. Take it easy and take good care of yourself. Other posters will come in to give you more strength and advice in this matter.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait....what??

So now she is staying with OM..and his WIFE??? And his wife has no clue that the "poor, distraught" friend she is helping through a rough patch in her marriage...is having an affair with her husband???

Walk up to his BW and give her a copy of the evidence. This poor woman is being played for a fool.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, what to do is easy if you look at the facts. Your wife has developed an affair of some type with co worker who you think is in open Marraige so I don't think wife of OM will care. If after 3 months this is that intense that she will not go to counseling or do anything but lie and cake eat, you need to get the D papers to her ASAP.. As long as you continue to try to nice her out of this by telling her you love her and she knows you are willing to out up with this, you are doomed to more hurt. Getting mad and taking off your ring means nothing at this point since she has ignored that and continues with this relationship which I do not believe is just EA at this time. If she is now disappearing for periods of time it is physical.
You need an exit plan no matter how painful on short term.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.. Confused she came home yesterday and I asked had she been intimate while she was gone as she said no.....idk, but now she says there is a connection which to me You have no business connecting with someone u just met while married, but she can't understand why that is wrong

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think nekonamida hit the nail on the head. Not much else I can think of to say except that your WW is choosing to not be in your M. She is clearly having an EA, an EA will soon lead to a PA, but even more than that she is choosing to disrespect you and the M. In my opinion she already has one foot out the door.

The bigger issue I think is within her. Why is she choosing to do this? What is broken in her that makes her think this is ok? Unfortunately THAT is not something you can fix. Unfortunately it's not something she sees either.

IMHO you have come to a very difficult juncture in your M. I think giving an ultimatum places you in a corner that you are already in and she's going to disregard it and already has. You have already told her how this is impacting you and your M together. Unfortunately, I feel that the only way out of this is to let her go. She's already choosing a "friend" over you. I would tell her that you want the M, truly you do and you love her, and then I would pack her bags and let her know that she can be with her affair partner. That's how I would now refer to the other man. Not by is name. Nothing derogatory, but refer to him exactly by what he is. Let her know that she is welcome to stay and be with you in the M, but that would require to cut off all contact with her AP. She's welcome to stay with you in the M, or choose her AP, either of her own free will. But she is not welcome to stay with you as long as she is with AP. Pack her bags for her and put them by the door as you tell her. As far as I see it, there is nothing left for you to do but to let her go.

I'm very sorry killinmesoftly.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
HeBrokeVows
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Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will see me post this a lot here but I wish I stepped up back in the fall when it was just text messages and an EA. I learned a lot since then. Your wife should out her marriage before anything else. And if anything makes you feel uncomfortable with another man, she should stop. She should want to stop. My spouse messed withy mind so much letting me feel horrible so he can continue having his EA which quickly turned PA. You don't have to live like this. The issue isn't even texting, the issue is not respecting your marriage or you. I would ask for marriage therapy and if she won't get yourself to IC.

And as far as the other wife is concerned, she's obviously accepted her place in her marriage, that doesn't mean it's right or you have to. It is wrong what she is doing. 110% wrong.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2014
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel confused. My W and I have been back and forth and she wants us to seek marriage counseling and says while we are in therapy she will stop texting and talking to her "friend" till we figure out our issues, I disagree and say I want her to discontinue the friendship period bec I feel she has emotionally cheated on with me with this friend. She still refuses to discontinue the friendship.

I cant look past it bec I still feel like its more than just friends. I said I dont want to wast my time or hers in therapy bec once she picks back up her friendship I will go back to feeling cheated on yet again and therapy would've been pointless.

I need some clarity here because I dont know what to do...HELP


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately Killin she's still actively involved in the A. She's still not in your M and continues to disrespect it. She's suggesting MC as a stall tactic to not lose you. She wants her cake and eat it to. So take away the cake.

Suggesting NC is going to be nothing but a waste of time. She clearly can't do it. As you feel, you are correct in thinking she has to have NC to even consider MC. And before you consider MC, she needs IC first because what makes her think this is ok to do this to you? She's broken. This is not an acceptable situation in anyone's M. Why does she think it's acceptable to yours? Without her getting help to fix herself first, MC is just going to be a waste of time.

I know this is hard, but have you read up on the 180 yet? Have you tried using it for yourself to be able to detach and get yourself into a better head space? I would also consult with an attorney and get to know your rights. Not that you have to file for D, but you will be able to make edjucated decisions if it should come to that.

Also, I know your situation is not the same, but you should try and read saveus thread as his WW is still actively involved in an A. There is some fantastic advice and analogies in that thread that you could apply to your situation. Here is the link:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529825

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

killing, I think you know exactly what to do.

it's not easy nor is it painless. you know that she is involved in at the very least, an emotional affair. she continues to lie about it.

you told us what you need to do in the very last line of your first post.

sending strength.

I know that sounds extremely harsh. however, she will continue her behaviors until she is forced to face the realities of what her behaviors are doing. at a minimum, you need to implement the 180 and gather your strengths for the trials to come.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3031 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its so hard bec she says doesn't want me to leave but I feel she is still in her fog. I applied for an apartment and was approved, part of me feels like taking it, Her Father says we need to work on our M and no other relationship should come before our M. Why can't she see that? She says the reason why she hasn't given up her friendship is bec she can't allow me to control or manipulate her and she refuses to be told who she can and cant be friends with. It sounds like just an excuse to me or a way to defend what she is doing. I ve never in 8 yrs tried to control her.

I think about moving out a lot but I dont want to seem like I am running away. Even if we do have MC how the heck will I know she really stopped the friendship when all trust is gone. I lost every piece of trust I ve ever had for her...

Im still so confused, I dont want to move out and the we have MC and I come back home and have to break my lease but staying here is so painful

I moved in the basement of our house but thats even difficult

I dont wanna sound like a broken record but I love and want my M. It was perfect until a month ago when she met this Friend

My W suggested that I talk with her friend and hash things out, I declined bec Im not married to the friend therefore why do we need to talk?


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't she see that?

Because she doesn't want to and only wants to see what she wants to see. She's in an A and is being selfish. Nothing else to it.

She says the reason why she hasn't given up her friendship is bec she can't allow me to control or manipulate her and she refuses to be told who she can and cant be friends with.

Bullshit

It sounds like just an excuse to me or a way to defend what she is doing. I ve never in 8 yrs tried to control her.

Yep. You see it for what it is. It's just an excuse to maintain her A.

I think about moving out a lot but I dont want to seem like I am running away.

Im still so confused, I dont want to move out and the we have MC and I come back home and have to break my lease but staying here is so painful

I moved in the basement of our house but thats even difficult

You are not running away. Sometimes the only way to save your M is to burn it down and let it go. Force her to see consequences of her actions. That's what this is since she has already checked out of your M. Once you move out, she will see what the consequences of her actions are. Right now she has you wrapped around her finger because she knows you wont leave. She knows you'll only go as far as the basement. That's her dirty tactic. It's called cake eating. She wants her AP and you too. Don't let her have both. In a very calm manner, start putting the consequences of her actions in her face. No longer refer to her "friend" by his name and don't be disrespectful either. Call him her affair partner. Always call him that because that's exactly what he is in this situation. Tell her that you want to be in the M, but you will not share your M with her affair partner. Continue to move out and let her know that her actions with her affair partner are causing you to move on with your life. That this M has become too painful for the three you and that you are going to move on without her since she is not choosing you and actively remains in the A. That she is very welcome in your life, but that your leaving because you will not share your M with her affair partner. That's exactly what's going on here. Don't threaten. Just do it. Go see an attorney. .

Even if we do have MC how the heck will I know she really stopped the friendship when all trust is gone. I lost every piece of trust I ve ever had for her...

There lies the problem if you don't take action. She will continue to see her AP. She has to choose him or you. She can't have it both ways. And if she does choose you, then a stipulation has to be that she goes to IC to get better and figure out why ruining your marriage and being unfaithful to you is acceptable to her. She needs to know that any thing short of NC will not allow you to heal as a couple and individually and will cause you to be in false R. That's where IC can help with her side and MC together. But IC first for her or none of it will matter. She has no idea that trust has been obliterated. There can be no trust until she earns it with her actions. But before there can be any discussion of trust with her, she needs to end the A and have NC. Then she needs to have complete transparency. All passwords given to you, surrender her phone to you, all email accounts, all social media, etc. There can never be privacy again. And you know what? In a healthy M there is natural transparency anyway with all that stuff so there is no reason to say No to it if she were to give you crap about it. But you are not there yet. Not by a long shot because she's not in your M.

I dont wanna sound like a broken record but I love and want my M. It was perfect until a month ago when she met this Friend

My W suggested that I talk with her friend and hash things out, I declined bec Im not married to the friend therefore why do we need to talk?

HELL NO you are not going to talk to him. You are absolutely 100% correct. Your problem is not with her AP, your problem is with your WW. She has poor boundaries to say the least and does not care about your M. If she did, she wouldn't continue to be actively involved in the M.


You are saying the right things and thinking the right things. You know what you have to do to take action. Start being proactive instead of reactive. The only way out of your pain and a possible way to save your M is to detach let it go. You can't change her. She has to want to change herself and she won't do that until she sees what she's going to lose. If even then.

You are doing well in what you are thinking Killin. You just need to execute those thoughts. Ultimately you know what is best for you.

Sending you strength and courage to get your through.

yop

ETA - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:33 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your kind words and support. I hate feeling so confused and beaten.

I just dunno why people do the things they do and how a relationship of 8 yrs with can seem so worthless to people

I hate feeling hurt


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
UneasyFeelings
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Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Brother. Don't believe a word she says. You know what liars do? They lie. Simple as that.

She's having an emotional affair. That's 100%. I will bet my life savings, there's been at least some form of physical contact too. May it be a kiss, holding hands. Or worse.

It's obvious, she's not putting the marriage first.

Control your anger and lashing out.

Do what you feel is right. Learn to trust your gut. If something feels off, bc it is. You may not know exactly what it is, but the WS is up to something.

You can not fix your marriage with a 3rd wheel. You can not fix your marriage, if your spouse, doesn't want to attempt to fix it.

Get separated, and take care of yourself. Think clearly. Don't drink too much. Start detaching.

It's hard. I know it is. I'm still in your shoes. My DDAY was on Jan 16th, and it's a day I will never, EVER forget.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all, well she finally said its over between us and she asked me to move out. I found an apt and I move in in 6 days. Im beyond broken.

Now its time to move on and move forward. I need your help. How do you move on when you are broken and your heart is in 1000 pieces.

Im afraid....


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no! I'm so very sorry Killin. I know it's so very hard right now but know this, you are going to be ok.

So what happened? Did she just decide that it was over?

Also, there is a Separation/Divorce forum here where you can get additional support as well.

I'm so sorry Killin. Keep posting with us to get you some support.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Years she said I am mean and I ve changed and she no longer wishes to remain with me. I made her upset bc I did the opposite of the 180.. Its okay BC I think she was finished with our Marriage when she wouldnt give up her friendship.

She ended it with me and then text me to say she is going out for dinner w/ her friends, then at 2 in the morning she text me saying...She isn't coming home but she is safe and she hopes I am safe too. This was last night. I didnt respond bc I have nothing left to say.

She is avoiding me and I would like to discuss our separation and little things like our joint car insurance... the dog ect..

I havent called her or text her today and Im proud of that. I just need strength since I won't be moving till tuesday.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its okay BC I think she was finished with our Marriage when she wouldnt give up her friendship.

It's not okay because she treated you horribly and this shit really hurts. But I do like your attitude and proud of you as well for being strong. Continue to not respond to her for the rest of the day just to get yourself into that much better of a head space before next time you speak with her. You can't avoid forever though. Tomorrow I would send her a text saying that you are setting up a meeting with her to discuss finances, the dog, whatever else you need to discuss and let her know that you will only be discussing those topics that you need to. Or if you don't feel you can handle a meeting like that, then go with email version and let her know that you will only be discussing the necessities.

You need to continue to detach from her. She has clearly made her choice.

Again, very sorry about your sitch.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

killinmesftly

I saw you created a new thread in "Moving On" but I decided to post here because I highly doubt your marriage is over.

Let me give you my opinion on a few things.

Your wife is a liar.

You know this so start treating her like one. Stop believing one word she says.

Your wife is a cheater.

Do you really believe that this relationship is just texting or sexting. From what you have told us she is probably messing around with both the OM and his wife. You did mention they quite possibly have an open marriage.

Well they have interfered in your marriage and your wife let them.

So move out if you feel that is best. If it was me I would make your wife leave. Heck, she has been staying with the other couple anyways.

File for divorce. It takes months for it to happen so start the process.

Have her served at work. Do not tell her in advance.

And if you have proof that she is in a emotional/physical relationship I would out her to her family, friends and coworkers.

I would expose the Affair to all of them. It is not revenge. Most affairs end when they are exposed to others.

Get a VAR and keep one on you at all times until you move out.

What a shame you did not hide a VAR in her car to find out the depth of her deception.

Get tough. Stop crying over her. She stopped being your wife weeks ago.

Now go teach her some respect and show her consequences for her bad decisions.

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
killinmesoftly
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Member # 43263
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like each day gets harder. All of me wants to run to her and profess my love and do something magical to make us work.. but... That would get me no where.. I wish she wasn't in this dense fog. I mean 8 years of happiness gone in 5 weeks. I know I may sound crazy but I just want my W back.

I would give anything in the world to be together and erase the last 5 weeks.

I wonder if she even thinks about how happy and how great we were together? I dont understand how she allowed herself and mind and heart to become so compromised.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 61
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