XWH has no rights - his only concerns with the settlement were financial. Visitation is at my discretion. He has not paid the support he agreed nor supported his children in any meaningful way. (I may need to take him to court)
I have every right to say "no" to visitation. I know that most of you are "bigger" people than I am right now. If he has not upheld his obligations, why should support him in his perceived "rights"?
He is far away and has seen the kids 3 times in the last 16 months (1 of those times, I brought them to him).
He is shacked up with gold digging OW#3 spending thousands on her (think Channel earrings/bag, trips to ocean villas, braces for her "winning" smile, stewardess school, new iPad/iPhone, new leather coat etc.)
I do not support him in his relationship with the kids at all, but I have been trying not to be an obstacle if he actually makes an effort (rare).
However this summer …. I am thinking no visitation. No pay, no play.
If you were in my situation, what would you do?
DD1 Sep 2011 all a lie
DD2 Jun 2012 found his secret email
3 Confirmed EA/PA over span of 2.5 yrs
Still with OW#3 - 23rd old gold digger
At least 3 visits to Prostitutes
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
[This message edited by ALittleLost at 11:04 AM, April 28th (Monday)]
If they can't have that, they try to survive on the next best thing, which is to at least see him and have a relationship with him. If I could, for my own purely selfish reasons, I would keep them away from him. I think he's a lazy father, I don't think he deserves them, and I hate the fact that they are around the pig, slunt OW.
BUT, what I have to continue to understand is that it's not about me anymore. I don't have to see him. I don't have to be around her and I don't have to know anything that happens in their lives, as long as my kids are not hurt. It's none of my business anymore. My kids, on the other hand, have to live with this for the rest of their lives. He will always be their father so they unfortunately are left to navigate their relationship and any issues that are going to stem from him leaving them.
While they are in the process of doing that, I don't ever want them coming back to me years down the road and accusing me of keeping them from their father. I want them to realize, that if it does play out how I think it will, that it was all him and his choices.
As with everything having to do with infidelity, I want them to realize that mom had nothing to do with it. Their relationship with their dad is theirs and it's his to either nurture or ruin.
Unless you feel that the kids will be unsafe or that they are somehow in danger during a summer visitation, I wouldn't keep them from their dad. They will realize everything that they need to realize about his character and his attitude toward them. But, they should learn that on their own.
That doesn't mean I think you should hesitate to take him back to court for failing to honor his financial obligations. The emotional relationship and the ability to have access to their father is a different issue.
Set your terms and stick to them. I would definitely insist that any visitation take place in your town. The kids do NOT go with him out of town nor anywhere near OW. This is all assuming you're comfortable with unsupervised visitation.
And of course, I would take the opportunity to present him with an itemized statement of his owed support payments. Make him sign an acknowelegement of receipt for any future court action.
[This message edited by Gemini71 at 1:10 PM, April 28th (Monday)]
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
If he asks, start with a phone call schedule, and see if he continues with it or stops after the first call. Would be a good indication of how much attention he would give the children if he saw them.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
my first H was/is an ass of the most epic proportions. the day we got divorced, I asked him if he wanted to set up a visitation schedule. his answer was "if I can't have you I don't want him"
seriously. how sad, huh?
anyhow, he disappeared for months. then came and wanted a visit. I let DS go for the weekend.
two years later, he wanted another weekend. DS, then 3, came home mimicking smoking a joint and yelling "ROCK AND ROLL" supervised visits for the next 6 months.
then he disappeared for the next how ever many years it was, only showing up in my driveway periodically to play best friends with DS
THEN asshat shows up at DS HS graduation, and pronounces to a crowd (I kid you not this is what he said) I have four kids by three mothers and I didn't help raise any of them, but look how good this one turned out! ugh
nowadays???? DS has nothing to do with asshat. He's been legally adopted by my H, whom he has called dad since he was 3 yrs old. DS has a little girl that asshat INSISTS is his granddaughter, and can't accept that DS will not insist she call him grandpa.
all this to say:: you don't have to "get in the way", your EX will shoot himself in the foot every step of the way, and when the are older, your kids will absolutely see him for what he is, unless, somewhere along the way, he fixes it with them.
My mother gave me the best advice when I got divorced-- she said no matter HOW HARD it was, to never, ever speak a bad word about asshat in front of DS, and I didn't, ever. I even worked on my tone of voice to keep the negativity out of it. There were times that I thought I was going to bite THRU my tongue, for sure.
but now?? no worries. My DS is one smart cookie, and he knows the truth, even without me ever saying anything.
hard as it may be, support your kids if they want a visit, you'll be the one to benefit from the kudos later.....
oh, and the CS he never paid??? LOL we used that to our advantage also--- when my H wanted to adopt, asshat didn't want to sign the papers, so he was given a choice:: pay up (owed mid 5 figures), sign the papers, or go to jail. guess what choice he made??
[This message edited by dailyflowers at 5:04 PM, April 28th (Monday)]
I would, however, want to protect my kids from a disinterested and uninvested father. 3 times in 16m must be awful for the kids. I'd rather he not be around at all than to have him appear and disappear for no inexplicable reason.
Does your 7 y/o talk about or ask for his father? Does he talk to them at all? Remember what you do now has long-term consequences. They will ask about him in future even if they don't now.
When they are grown you will need a better reason than "he didn't pay CS" for why they didn't ever see their father.
I agree that you need to separate the two issues of visitation and CS - ethically if not legally.
I would not be sending them far away to see him - especially not an infant. I would offer visitation locally. He can't just show up 16m later and take your kids - the little one especially will feel like he is a stranger.
I assume X chose to move far away? Is there a reason he has no rights? Did he sign them away or are you in a country where it is the default? Are you struggling financially?
I would caution against using the kids as weapons. They have rights here too.
First of all, a little context ….
X comes from a place where divorce is rare. And for good reason. In 90% of cases, the mother gets custody, but in most of these cases, the court grants her little (if anything) in terms on ongoing support. Most women are SAHM. If a couple does divorce, it is common for the father to never see his children again. I am not saying this is good (or bad); it is just the cultural norm. The court system is not geared for disputes around custody and child maintenance.
Which is why when we D, I put together an agreement in which I got a larger share of the assets and in return, his ONLY real obligation was to pay 1/2 out of pocket medical and into a fund to save for college. The accounts are in their names and I don't get a penny. Ever. I believe our contract is enforceable, but it will take me a great deal of time and effort to get through the system. And I need to do it from overseas operating in a foreign language and spending a large amount of money.
So …. what I am really angry about is all of the money he is spending on someone he insisted to everyone meant nothing to him. And completely (physically, emotionally, and financially) abandoning his boys. He makes a 6 figure salary, just bought a bmw, has a swanky apartment with all new furniture, all the latest tech gadgets. He regularly takes trips to 5 star luxury hotels all over and has lush expensive parties. But he hasn't followed through on a relatively minimal contribution to his children's college fund.
In terms of being an active involved parent ….
What he has done:
- Called each week for 5-20 min (but not without fail). If he has other plans (such as those luxury trips), he doesn't bother
- Visited twice
- Made promises to come to events (that he had NO intention of attending) and then breaking them
- Lashed out at me for not actively reaching out and giving him info on events/activities
What he has not done:
- Continue to receive school newsletters/activity regular updates that he used to receive so he has a clue what is happening there
- Talked to me about any topic other than the money he is not paying or what time he should call
- Called or remembered the important events that he did know about
I used to think he was a great dad. What I realized though, was that although he played with them (and for that they idolize him), he never did any heavy lifting. He did not do nights or discipline or diaper changing, or difficult talks or school hunting or finding activities or doctor visits or teacher meetings or chauffeuring or homework. And if he did any of these things, it was rare, grudgingly and because I asked.
Now that he has to do more than play with them, he seems to have realized that he is really not up to it.
I never realized how much I or someone else "greased" the relationships in his life to make them work. And to some extent, his expectation is that I (and others) continue to bend over backwards for him. When he came here, we had a huge fight. He arrived on Monday, but kept in a secret and stayed in an expensive hotel with OW. He showed up on Friday saying he had just arrived. He had every expectation that he should be entitled to stay in my guest room free of charge and come and go as he pleased. He was also bold enough to call up my babysitter and have her cook for him and the kids so that they could come over and have a free (and prepared) lunch.
If he asks for summer visitation, he will likely expect me to take days off work and fly them to his location and then pick them up again. He might also require that I am "on call" to come and get the little one should he not be able to handle him during the night. He did this over the 2 days he had them last. I will be expected to have all necessities purchased and packed. And I will have to arrange pick off/drop off times, places etc.
If that is the extent of his parenting abilities, let him come to YOUR town and visit the kids. If he can't handle an overnight, let him bring them back to YOU. Don't enable his lousy parenting.
And if your kids ask in the future, you can honestly say that POS was always welcome to COME and visit them.
No Way would I kowtow to his lunatic "demands."
Kids deserve to have a good father.
Unfortunately that is not always the case. Also kids deserve a good mother. X's OW is a good example of a bad mother and there are many, many more examples.
There are cases where the kids would be better off not having contact with the father (see: Nature_Girl and BrokenDaisy)
I think maybe in some cases it's best for the kids to have one good parent. That's the best I can hope for with my girls.
X now has a certain illness (direct result of his activities) that means he is banned from entering the country I live in. He visited a neighboring country the first time and I took the kids there. The second visit he got special permission from the government to come in. I think he was applying again, but I don't know if he just decided it was too much effort (and expense without being able to crash at my place) or if they refused him.
You can't write novels as messed up as this …..
As for delinquent child support, he is in contempt of court on child support which has implications under federal as well as state laws. Have your attorney press the issue.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
It's pretty obvious he will NOT comply. However, at least you can say you didn't deny visitation.
Any real man, and any real father would have no problems with these conditions. Clearly, he's neither.