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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Detachment and re-engagment
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is ok 20 lol.

HL and I have always known that we love each other and we have always wanted this M.

Did I always know that I would walk away at the end of this process with and intact M? No. After this last time, I had to sit back and watch and wait and see if I could do this. It didn't change the work I was doing on me, and HL finally started the work on himself. Once he started, he came along pretty quick.

I came here four years ago because I cheated and we started trying to R then due to my infidelity, and then I busted him two years ago in his last EA. So we have been at this process technically four years. I thought we were doing well when I busted him.


We have still worked on things, but HL has known that I was not in with both feet. He stood firm the whole time. Props to him.

We are coming out on the other side now. I do believe that I can re engage now. Fully.

ETA:

Maybe this is a total t/j because I'm not qualified to weigh in on your questions,

You are always welcome to weigh in on anything, I have found your advice to be pretty solid. I value what anyone takes the time to say to me


[This message edited by tired girl at 12:26 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


AFK,

I made a list of reasons that I love her. I carry it with me every where I go and look at it often.

Many nights I try to list the ways that I have seen her try to honor me throughout the day. I ask her to tell me the ways she tried to honor me that I did not see.

I will try to find ways to honor her throughout the day. and ask for new suggestions for the future.

I shared with her my deepest darkest secrets the things I have never told anyone.

I share with her the parts of our family that were typically my role like finances. I try to take part in what were typically her roles in our family. The divide and conquer mentality dissolved.

I encourage and take part in her hobbies.

I choose to sit next to her on the couch instead of across the room.

Lots of communication. The good. The bad. The ugly. The beautiful.

I really like these ideas. A few we are doing, but several we are not and I see where they could help a lot. Thank you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Althea,

When we hit a stumbling block, I am quick to go back to the place of "I don't know if I can be with someone who hurt me so deeply" or maybe we are better of apart, I should think through life once we divorce. I believe this type of attitude serves a BS well in the beginning, particularly with a wayward who is slow on the uptake; but after a while it prevents taking the next step toward intimacy.

I was recently called out by my therapist for going to this place of "what if he can't change, maybe it is better to be ready to leave." My WH has shown me over the course of two years that he can change and that the change is real. It sounds like HL has done the same.

This is pretty much exactly where I have been. And yes, it feels like a safety net. One that needs to be thrown away.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

918,

I did talk a little bit about how I feel about forgiving myself on page one.

I know you are struggling right now. Get through A season and see how you feel after that. Don't go off of how you feel right now. It will probably change when you are done with this. Big hugs while you go through this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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