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User Topic: things keep getting worse..dont know what to think
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Afrayed and wife,

Good point....yes while we were seperated I was suspicious of him and another woman he worked with....this is not the same woman, but she is from the same job.

So I guess I stand corrected.

I did not see any messages from her in his fb but as wayflost pointed out he could have deleted them (he had thirty minutes between when I called him and when i got home. But when I went to his favorites she was like tenth on the list, not first.

What I don't get is that he thinks its ok that everyone acts that way at work.....meaning they all flirt and make inappropriate comments....I don't think that's an excuse or reason that makes it ok.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Cliffside!! I appreciate it!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
soosorrymom
♀ Member
Member # 24046
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate . Although I didn't delete my FB my BH has access to mine . However after DDay he chamged his password to his account and changed his status to separated .
I started noticing red flags . When I confronted him he admitted to texting OW but thinks he has the right because what I did and that we are separated .

We have rights as WW . Don't let him get away with his behavior but as I learned be careful how u approach it .
If red flags are there there is usually a reason .

I


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Alyssa))) I read through your post and my heart dropped.

Even if nothing else is going on besides what you've seen/he's said, it's okay to tell him he's crossed the line with that FB chatter. "I love you pickle?" WTF? If you're okay with your husband exchanging ILYs publicly with another woman, that is your call, but if you aren't, then tell him. Even before my husband cheated I wouldn't have been okay with that, and I trusted him completely.

You have been working hard on your broken. You've owned your crap. You have the right to boundaries and respect in your marriage, too. ((((Hugs)))


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flirting, flaunting "I love you"'s publicly, tagging pictures and "When will I see you again?" stuff to the opposite sex is totally inappropriate behavior for married people... Period.

I know there may be some atrociously ghetto work environments where men & women flirt, do ILY's to each other drink... and they are likely strewn with affairs and infidelity because of it.

Affair or not, I'd put my my foot down that this kind of thing is NOT appropriate... and detrimental to the process of R.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Im not ok with it at all...I think its totally inappropriate and crosses boundaries and he shouldn't be doing it. The other thing that hurt is there is no mention of me in his life anywhere on his fb.....a few pics with DD but nothing else.

He said he will delete his fb if it's such an issue.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa words are weak and you know this. Have him follow through on that statement. Hes not owning what is at best shitty boundaries.

T/J

some atrociously ghetto work environments where men & women flirt, do ILY's to each other drink...

I just wanted to comment on this. I am curious as to what you mean by ghetto work environments? I worked in a field where infidelity and flirting ran rampant and there was nothing ghetto about the actual workplace....I also grew up in the ghetto so just trying to get a definition on what you were trying to say to make sure im not reading it wrong.

Sorry for t/j Alyssa

End t/j


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look Alyssa. He may have never cheated. But I think we can safely say that he has poor boundaries. It is time to discuss that more with him. Specifically.

Deleting FB won't solve the issue. It is the work behavior and what not also.

Sit him down and talk about what you have done to change. Then ask him abt a few things like does he think it is appropriate for married people to be writing ILYs, flirting, hanging out alone with members of opposite sex.

He is probably ok with his behavior. He doesn't see it as wrong. Hey, nether did I! It was just flirting! He needs to understand how much it hurts you and how it does not make for a normal healthy M.

Time for him to grow up.

Alyssa. Stand up for what you know is right. If you argue for honesty and love, you are not wrong. Your wayward status matters not. You are good and you have seen how awful it is to lie and be someone else.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Deleting FB won't solve the issue. It is the work behavior and what not also.

Wanted to second this. Facebook is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. Sure, deleting it isn't a bad idea, but we all know there are plenty of other ways to break boundaries and communicate inappropriately. You have to address the underlying problem, because masking the symptoms is simply that. Masking.

Talk to him about this. Read "not just friends" together. Bring it up in MC. Anything that will allow you to feel safe while communicating your hurt and fear.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrs Panda
Thank you for your input....I always appreciate hearing your opinion....and I welcome the blunt approach!!:)

Spotless
I agree too that FB is not the problem....I have no problem if he keeps his fb account but just want those type of conversations to end.

I left him a letter last night and told him that it hurt that he didnt understand why I was so upset and that even if the conversations were just joking around they were inappropriate and he shouldn't be saying those things to another woman especially if he is married to and trying to reconcile with me.

I also told him that i understand I hurt him more than anyone else and made more mistakes than he ever will...but I still have a right to the marriage and can still express my feelings, and he still needs to respect that.

I mentioned too that when we were talking I was laying on the bed sobbing and he stood over me talking, with only defensiveness in his voice; he was not at all apologetic or remorseful for it and offered no sympathy or comfort.

Last thing...he said yesterday that I fucked him over and if he decided to cheat on me he wouldn't hide it. ..he would happily tell me....this statement hurt me a lot and makes me think that he still has a lot of anger towards me...which while understandable, he needs to work through it so we can move past it and so the resentment doesn't continue to grow.

When he came home from work last night he woke me up and was much different than he was when he left....he held me and apologized for hurting me and acknowledged that the conversations were inappropriate. He told me he loves me and wants to fix things.

I dont know what changed his mind....maybe he had time to think, maybe it was my letter, or maybe he came onto SI and saw this post...who knows?

Thank you for all the support and kind words you have all given me throughout this ordeal....it would have been even harder to deal with without my SI friends! !


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This:
In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out

Contradicts this:

He let me go through his phone when I got home, and I didnt find anything from her at all.

And those two things indicate to me, clearly, he's behaving badly.

If he's offering to delete his FB, he simply has other means of staying very connected.

There are so many ways to cover your tracks. If he's freely giving you access to things that show zero contact when they clearly have had more contact, that just means he's deleting things.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IS he in IC? Are you in MC?
Would he post here?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he isn't going to delete his fb he should at least delete the comments and make his Facebook the picture of a VERY married man.

I agree with the PPs who said this smells like gas lighting and blame shifting. I would be checking phone bills back to BEFORE you separated.

(((((Alyssa)))) I'm so sorry sweetie.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has posted on here a few times but doesn't go one regularly.

We were in MC for a very short time....two or three sessions with the same C who was my IC. We both stopped going to her cuz she was awful and our insurance has changed a few times so I have yet to find a new IC for me and MC for us.

Other than the sessions with me he has not been to C....when we were seperated after DDay he told me he was seeing a C but was lying. ..he made it all up


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. He does family things that don't involve you. He goes on day trips and lunches regularly without you. You aren't a part of his life in a bunch of ways. And now this?

"I love you pickle"? First, "ILY" is extremely inappropriate. "Pickle" indicates familiarity. They have an inside joke which resulted in a nickname. Awwww. How cute. There is a conversation which references a text exchange which shockingly (not) isn't on his phone.

I smell a rat. A whole pack of them.


((((Alyssa))))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6300 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah a big pack of smelly rats. Something is very very wrong here.

Let's add the 'we are roommates' comment he made a couple days ago.

when we were seperated after DDay he told me he was seeing a C but was lying. ..he made it all up

And a history of lying. Awesome.

((((Alyssa)))) Time to protect yourself.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Alyssa))))
I am so, so sorry.

Reading all of this makes my palms sweat. As I was reading this thread it reminded me of one of the "Not Just Friend" scenarios.

I can't imagine the horror of seeing this on his FB after doing the work to be transparent and working so hard to make your marriage work. One thing that I've noticed about being a WW is that once we start to see the pain the A caused we fix our brokenness. Then, you realize that you will NEVER do it again because an A does not fix anything and there are healthier ways to improve or leave a relationship through appropriate boundaries and open communication.

Sometimes as a result of your own growth, if your BS doesn't go through counseling (whether it be professional or others such as SI) they do not have an outlet that constantly checks how the BS deals with those emotions of anger and/or resentment.

Here's what is happening- even with his apology, he's still fighting an inner roller coaster that he's not letting you ride on with him in the same car. You're on it, but in the car behind watching him ride over the peaks and valleys before you go over it too.

JUMP back in with him and demand full transparency too. Before your A, I can guarantee you that he would of flipped out if he would of seen the same thing on your Facebook with another guy! (Also check his cell records for deleted texts or data for video chats)

Here's what I would do if it was my BS- I'd buy him a copy of NJF and then wrap it up with a special handwritten note inside. Explain to him that, while you know you that you destroyed him, you are constantly working on you to fix the brokenness that caused it in the first place. Letting others in during this WILL NOT fix this and you are willing to fight for him to stay... even if it means tracking that girl down and sending her a message to let her know that this is NOT appropriate or ok with his wife.

You need to immediately ask that he start NC with her and let him know you need the ENTIRE truth in order to understand exactly where he is your marriage. Let him know that you understand that it's hard to admit truths that he knows will hurt you, but that you -of all people- now understand the importance of full disclosure.

Some questions I'd ask:
How did you come in contact with this former co-worker again?
Why are you stopping by to see her?
Why does she have the nickname pickle?
Are you the only one that calls her this?
Why did you feel the need to have a friendship with her like this?
Are you aware that others can see all of this?
You said that you would tell me if you were having an A, so what makes you think this is not an EA? (ILYs are not something you tell just everyone)

In the meantime, see if he will start posting on here again so that he can have feedback on his feelings and situation. I hope that you two can find good MC and IC again. It truly has been wonderful help for us.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 9:49 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I recall, you both already read NJF, right?

As a BW, I would suggest you hold your cards very close right now and not let on to what you know. He'll more than likely take it underground. Take screenshots of those posts, if you find an email, print it off.

When I JFO I sent my WH out of the house and accessed a gazzillion emails and texts, sent them all to my own account so he couldn't destroy the evidence. I'll never forget when I confronted him and his response was "I don't know what you think you know, but..." that conversation didn't get very far once I started reading the emails aloud. If I didn't have the evidence I can only imagine what excuses he would have thrown at me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but the way he has been treating you is wrong. Go into stealth mode, find out as much as you can. Go through past months phone bills - Verizon keeps them for 90 days. Then, have your family take your daughter for a night and confront him. At least that's what I'd do. Stay strong...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa something smells fishy here. He had another woman over to dinner when you separated but were still technically supposed to be together. I remember you defended him then. Now he is exchanging I love yous with a pet name. I barely call anyone by a pet name, hell pretty sure only xSO and family got pet names. He is publicly flirting with this woman on social media. He is not making his marriage obvious. The whole when will I see you again and he'll make the time comment boils my blood. I dont give a rat's ass if she was only talking about him coming by the office. If it was a work relationship those questions would have been phrased differently and professionally. As for his coming home and apologizing it might be legit but from what you're describing it sounds more like he realized you knew more the he thought you did and he needs to throw you off the scent.

FWIW I hope we're all wrong and all he has is crap boundaries and a lot of anger towards you. Thats easier to work with then becoming a MH. I vote for continued digging quietly, if you find nothing great, but if you do we are here. I kept digging until I had enough to know he was a liar, a cheater who will never acknowledge he is a cheater and that I would never know everything. But I knew enough.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read what cliffside wrote. Go into stealth mode and get the phone records for his phone. I am betting you are going to see more than you want to see. I know I did. I wish I had not confronted HL as quickly as I did once I had the texting proof in my hands.

Something is off here and you need to know what it is. Maybe this is as far as it goes, but you should know that for sure. And he should be willing to put boundaries up to protect this marriage.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5068 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
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