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User Topic: things keep getting worse..dont know what to think
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read what cliffside wrote. Go into stealth mode and get the phone records for his phone. I am betting you are going to see more than you want to see. I know I did. I wish I had not confronted HL as quickly as I did once I had the texting proof in my hands.

Something is off here and you need to know what it is. Maybe this is as far as it goes, but you should know that for sure. And he should be willing to put boundaries up to protect this marriage.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when we were seperated after DDay he told me he was seeing a C but was lying. ..he made it all up
WOW - REALLY???? That combined with the other behaviors you listed would have sent me over the edge. Hon, in my BONES, I feel your husband either had an A or is engaged in one. He can love you and want to be with you and still cheat on you. We've all BTDT at one point or another - thus why we're here.

As Aubrie said, big ass pack of big ass rats - ok, I added big ass cuz Aubrie wouldn't

(((Alyssa)))


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5898 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

- ok, I added big ass cuz Aubrie wouldn't
I only swear when I snap. And iz embarrassing. Cause I still only say f*ck.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
Cause I still only say f*ck.

Somehow I can't picture this

end t/j


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow I can't picture this
same here....


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5898 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said it in the WS forum yesterday as a matter of fact. I'm just ninja that way. You don't expect it so you don't look.


(Sorry Alyssa.)


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your continued support, I really do appreciate it.

I have read NJF he has not...

DD is getting ready for bed now and I am planning on talking to him more.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No! No talking! Unless you're going to manipulate him into thinking you're fine. Seriously, trust us. The more you talk and or question without a bunch of evidence the more he'll lie, sneak around, and go underground. He'll probably get a burner phone. Tell him you're tired, lock yourself in a room and see what you can find in phone bills.

We're here to help. Please, please, don't confront anymore just yet.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he came home from work last night he woke me up and was much different than he was when he left....he held me and apologized for hurting me and acknowledged that the conversations were inappropriate. He told me he loves me and wants to fix things.

Ok great. How does he plan to do that? You need to establish some boundaries my friend. Two - way transparency. Mandatory counseling. Inclusion in all family activities with grumpy MIL. Deleting the FB pickle girl.

Can you do this? Can you be strong? You have absolutely nothing to lose. Think about it. You want a real recovery and a real M. I am guessing you have never had that level of intimacy with BH. You will never get there until you are both honest.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa - how are you today?
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I did myself.
When someone justifies their actions based on anothers it is unhealthy. You can't have a healthy marriage when this occurs. With some spouses - and I see this quite a bit - their WS's affair almost gives them carte blanche to do whatever they want.
It comes from a place of grasping out to ease pain but also anger. it points exactly to a lot of healing needing to take place.

And if he is cheating and you stay together he has just put the marriage further behind. Doubt he can even see this.

You've received good advice here.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4908 | Registered: Dec 2010
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How'd it go Alyssa? Did you talk or go stealth?

((((Alyssa))))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...busy at work today. I didnt go into stealth mode like recommended....we talked about it last night ( I didn't see the comments to not confront until after the fact).

I do agree that I have received very good advice here.

And Mrs Panda to answer your question yes i am ready to establish boundries and do this!

So while he sees now that his conversations with this other girl were inappropriate he still says that is how he and his coworkers talk to and act with each other, and when he had those conversations he didnt realize that they were inappropriate. Needless to say we have discovered he has extremely poor boundaries and needs to work on that. He said its a double standard that he can have conversations like that with male coworkers but not female ones....I pointed out that NONE of his facebook conversations with any other coworker was like the ones he had with her.

I mentioned to him that I want very badly to contact her and let her know that her behavior was inappropriate and I dont appreciate it...he doesn't want me to do that cuz he doesn't want to lose her friendship and then have her go back to work telling everyone about it. He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her.

I dont think he has cheated with her but it scares me how he doesn't realize how wrong these conversations were...he keeps saying its cuz he has poor boundaries. ..he is not an idiot....he should know that thats not ok....especially if we are trying to R.

He says he is going to work on it and I would love to believe him. ...but he has said that before and has not done it. I offered him my books to read which he said he will read soon....I recommended he post here and he said he will soon.....I really hope he follows through.

I think he never dealt with my A and never worked through it which is why he is doing these things now.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think his reaction when I told him I want to contact her and have him never talk to her again is what scared me the most.....it reminded me of how I felt after my own DDays with XAP.

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities. ..and I could have cried. :(


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
LovesLaboursLost
♀ Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities. ..and I could have cried. :(

^^^^^wrong answer.
You don't have to take this from him.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities. ..and I could have cried. :(

That is definitely the wrong answer.

Stealth mode it. There's more going on here than he's admitting. That he doesn't see he's doing the same thing you did--behaving inappropriately with someone he met at work, and potentially more--stuns me. Either way, an EA is still an A.

Ugh. ((hugs))


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want to lose her friendship

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities.
Pshhh, well tough snot robot. He lost her "friendship" the moment he leapt over boundaries. Has absolutely zip to do with your "insecurities". Good gawd I can't believe he said that.

Protect yourself Alyssa. I feel you should drop the subject with him and go stealth. I have a sick feeling in my stomach for you.

Hugs.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember a lot of conversations like that with HL. Before busting him in this last EA. I was made to feel like it was my issue.

By saying he his not going to lose a friend over YOUR insecurities he has just shown you what is more important to him.

Confronting her will get you nowhere. Deciding what you want in your M will.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, in case you're doubting yourself--

He has already deleted text messages. He knows they're inappropriate, otherwise he would NOT be concerned about the content of the conversations.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just more hugs ((Alyssa)) I remember being in this exact same position and being sick about it because I KNEW, as a fWW, exactly what was going on. And I still couldn't believe it.

Hugs!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4908 | Registered: Dec 2010
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Split in two,
I dont know if he has deleted them...the message I saw on fb he said he would text her but I dont know if he actually did or not. He said he hasn't talked or texted her in a while.

I haven't asked to look at the phone records or anything.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 86
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