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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: things keep getting worse..dont know what to think
splitintwo
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Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'll text you" implies he has the contact info already & that's a method of communication he uses. It should be in there somewhere.

Don't ask to review the phone records. Dig them out & look.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^This


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her.

Well really the issue is with him not her. His poor boundaries.

This stuck out to me, and there were lots of things that stuck out, but this can be said as a way to manipulate. Like -- Fine, I'll stop talking to everyone then. It's a immature way of looking at the world, meant to make you feel guilty. I don't know how it went down or the tone or anything like that, but as we've seen on countless times on this forum, this is the time when people use manipulation to get what they want.

Be aware of that, Alyssa.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want you to contact her?!!! I will bet dollars to donuts he has already prepped her with the crazy jealous wife story and got her prepped to cover for him.

Get those phone bills STAT!!!!

(((((Alyssa)))))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her
.

This stuck out to me, and there were lots of things that stuck out, but this can be said as a way to manipulate. Like -- Fine, I'll stop talking to everyone then. It's a immature way of looking at the world, meant to make you feel guilty. I don't know how it went down or the tone or anything like that, but as we've seen on countless times on this forum, this is the time when people use manipulation to get what they want.

Dixie has a great point here. It is also very blameshifty (not a word lol) he is saying that the problem is with them and not him. He is still not recognizing the problem as being himself.

I can tell you that until I busted HL cold with the phone records, he thought the problem was me. And even when I was confronting him with the evidence he still thought the problem was me, I was a meddling bitch. It wasn't until I went radio silent on him for three days that he realized that the problem was him, he had screwed up and not me. This may take awhile for him to get it, and YOU are going to have to be very clear in your head that this is not YOUR fault. It took me a month of red flags to finally look at the phone bill and see the evidence. They had been waving in my face and I kept saying there was no way he would do that to me with us working on our M. Go look at your phone bills.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything you say about him just screams anger to me. He is still furious about the A and hasn't dealt with this in any form whatsoever. This thing he's doing with fb woman is passive-aggressive and a form of revenge and making himself feel better. It's massively inappropriate and humiliating.

For what it's worth, I have mixed feelings about wether he's engaging in an extra m relationship, but what I do know is, he knows for a fact, declaring ily's publicly and using pet names is just plain wrong. It's disrespectful.

I know you and I have very similar personality traits and you will find it difficult to go into stealth mode, but it would seem you don't have much choice as whenever you confront him, he always responds in a way that makes you feel you're over reacting or behaving in an insecure way..

The way you're feeling right now is heart-breaking. Reach out any time you need to.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything you say about him just screams anger to me. He is still furious about the A and hasn't dealt with this in any form whatsoever. This thing he's doing with fb woman is passive-aggressive and a form of revenge and making himself feel better. It's massively inappropriate and humiliating.

If she still had a FB account, I'd agree, but she doesn't. He had no reason to believe she could or even would look at his wall.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could be doing it sub consciously.. perhaps he hasn't even registered himself that he's still angry and that that anger needs processing.

Also, the thing with not being invited to holiday with his mum and DD.. that's just wrong. You are part of the family and can't be excluded like that.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything you say about him just screams anger to me. He is still furious about the A and hasn't dealt with this in any form whatsoever

yep. And he's justifying in his head that it's because of what you did but really, it's because he can't handle the pain, among other things - being validated, etc. I guess if my husband told another woman he loved them I'd consider it an affair. If you know someone well enough to say that well, intimacies have taken place even if they're just emotional.

I'm so sorry.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Alyssamd24
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Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying
Thank you very much for your words....I appreciate the support!!I think you may be right.

I appreciate everyone's support!!

I came home from work today while he and DD were not home. I looked up the phone records and did not find any phone numbers or activity that looked suspicious....the only phone numbers that I saw a lot were my own and my MIL.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa

Keep your radar up. If he works with her. It may take awoke for a pattern to appear. WH most recent bit of inappropriateness was mainly through Facebook IM. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

You are worth better. Believe it. Don't minimize his behavior because you don't think you are worthy.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Alyssamd24
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Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Isadora.

This whole thing has been so overwhelming!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say that even though I didn't find anything in the phone records my guard is still up and will continue to be.

I am still angry and hurt and am aware that we have more issues than what I originally thought....and I really really hope that he is going to do the work and things he has promised.

I think Trying brought up a good point, I think a lot of his behaviors are due to the fact he never dealt with my A and his feelings about that.

I do want to say again thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread and given me support and advice. It has made a shitty experience a little easier.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MissesJai
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Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All kinds of red flags, IMO. "Don't contact her", "your insecurities", he chooses his friendship with HER over YOU. He may have a secret phone. Don't count that out. Stealth mode is your friend. I'm so sorry hon.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threads like this fascinate me. It's interesting to see how a group of people can read the exact same scenario & come away with different interpretations.

When I read this, I immediately related to the H, and I could hear/see myself acting exactly that way in the early phases of an EA, especially when I was in denial about the extent of it.

I still vote for keeping your radar up. There are a lot of ways to cheat, and depending on what he learned from you, he already knows something re: covering his tracks/what not to do.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HL never dealt with what I did. Hence his next EA two years later into our R. He started contacting her with his work email and so I had no idea that he was in contact with her. He didn't start texting her until about the last month and a half of their EA.

He felt he had a right to their "friendship" because of what I did, and he wasn't going to tell me about her because he knew I would be a bitch about it. See how I come off being the problem?

Be careful here, texting was mentioned. One way or another, I believe it has happened and is happening. Could just be me though.

I hope he is serious about wanting to change as well.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa, he may not be using "traditional" text methods. There's apps for that. He could be installing one when he leaves home, and uninstalling before he gets back. (Saw someone deal with that here recently.) Can you get into your Cloud or whatever you use to see what he's got on his phone?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie is right.

I didn't have a cell phone but was able to text AP using a free app on my iPod. That's not traceable.

Sometimes checking for phone or cell records doesn't mean they aren't texting.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
SpotlessMind
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Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her.

I agree so much with DixieD and TG on this--it's the exact type of thing my husband would have said, before he really GOT it. It's a statement designed to turn you into the bad guy and make you feel foolish and petty. Whether he is gas lighting on purpose or is just completely ignorant about his inappropriate behavior is impossible to know in the absence of other info, but either way, he's exhibiting some pretty immature and poor communication skills. Yes, he's hurting and things slip out, but it's important for both of you to own your behavior and mistakes along the R path--not just you.

It's possible he has a secret texting app that doesn't show up on the bill, but it's also possible that you've seen all there is to see. I think remaining cautious is wise, and I hope he realizes the dangerous path he's treading soon.

Like you, I'm uncomfortable with stealth mode. I also suck at it. Every time I tried something super stealthy when I was digging into my husband's affairs, I ended up telling him immediately, even if it meant possibly sabotaging myself in terms of gathering information. But that was what worked for me--I was ok digging as long as I told my husband what I was doing within a very short window and talked to him immediately about anything I found. It felt wrong to me to be sneaky, even under these circumstances, and I wanted to honor that feeling. Do what feels right to you. (Note: this isn't a judgement on anyone who is good at stealth mode. I don't think there is anything wrong with stealth mode, and there were many times when I wished I could just keep my mouth shut. My point was simply to honor yourself.)

And ((((hugs)))) Worrying that your spouse is hiding things from you is so incredibly stressful and hard. Please be kind to yourself. Sending you and your husband lots of strength to work this out.

ETA: I do think there are ways to cross the line when investigating your spouse IF you are a former wayward--nothing to do with searching cell records or emails or for secret phone apps, though. But that's probably a t/j so I will leave it at that!

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 11:42 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
cindergirl
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Member # 42966
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa, I've been following this thread all along, but haven't felt I've had much to contribute. You've gotten plenty of sound advice. It keeps niggling at me, though, so I want to chime in now, too.

Not wanting to cut off the friendship with her strikes me as it has so many others. I am reminded of a similarity in myself. A few years back, my BF found out about an EA with a guy in another state. I completely cut off any inappropriate conversation with the OM, and cut down how much I talked to him in general, but didn't go NC until the issue was pressed again. I remember telling my BP that he couldn't tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with. In retrospect, I see how wrong, wrong, wrong I was. I didn't want to lose a friendship because I was inappropriately attached to the OM.

The simple fact that your BH has said he's not going to lose a friendship over your "insecurity" demonstrates that he's inappropriately attached to this woman, to whatever extent that may be. If he weren't inappropriately attached, it would be no big deal to cut her off. So yes, clearly, the attachment is inappropriate. I am sorry you're going through this.

ETA: Don't even get me started about the I Love Yous to Pickles.

[This message edited by cindergirl at 12:00 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
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