Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: blackluca (44314)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to Do, What to Do???
soulshattered
♂ New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is a long one and I really don't want to rehash all of the ugliness, but here I am 25 days out dfrom DD and I'm just totally messed up. My WW went back overseas to finish her last 30 days of work and is due home in 17 days. I know for a fact that she's not seeing the OM because he's here. My problems now are trust issues and choosing what path to walk. When all this erupted, I left the house until she went back - in hind sight I should have made her leave, it was her baggage not mine. Anyway, since she went back she really hasn't accomplished any of the things I think she should have. She's still going through the motions of life like normal - it's as if nothing happened in her mind - and when I broach the subject she gets her hackles up and shuts down, which iwas the biggest problem in our 20 year history - no communication. Anyway, she keeps saying some of the right things, "she's sorry," "she loves me," "she wants it to work," she doesn't want to "waste" the last 20 years, etc. etc. My problem is that I read the emails between them! I saw her tell him how much she loved him! How he was the best thing that ever happened to her! How lucky she was to have him in her life! He, from his language, was also "very much in love with her." I cannot get this out of my head. I also don't have all of the details yet about the affair. I asked and she, in typical fashion, decided what I needed to hear. So I did my homework and I know the affair went on for several months (7), I found out that it started here in Canada and became physical here despite her initially telling me otherwise. She flew to another country that he was in and spent the XMas period with him while we felt bad for her here. She met him in a third country for a week-long sex-fest after telling me that she was going with an organized tour. But that's all I know for facts. To her credit she broke it off with him BEFORE I discovered the A, but I didn't get to see or hear the language she used so I have that doubt. Now, tomorrow is my first IC session and I have far more questions than answers. Shes' coming back soon and I am lost as to what road to take. Do I tell her to find a place to live until SHE decides if we're in R or not? Do I let her in the house, but in the spare room? Do I make "demands" on things that are deal breakers for me? I guess I'm just really frustrated because I would have thought that the decisions on hter part would be easy ones if she was truly committed, but I'm not sure life is that simple. So here I sit more confused than ever ...


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have thought that the decisions on hter part would be easy ones if she was truly committed,

Please don't be confused about this. You are 100% correct, the decisions of a COMMITTED partner are easy ones. They HAVE DECIDED that they will remain faithful. There is really no "decision" to be made, it has ALREADY BEEN made.

People cheat because they are NOT COMMITTED to faithfulness, and because they have no respect for their spouse, no regard for his emotional well-being, caring only for themselves and what feels good at the moment.

she keeps saying some of the right things, "she's sorry," "she loves me," "she wants it to work," she doesn't want to "waste" the last 20 years, etc. etc.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Some" of the right things, but they sure as hell ain't what she said to the OM.

"wants it to work" and "doesn't want to waste" ?
In other words, me, me, me, me, me. WHAT I WANT.
In other words, to hell with you and what you want, or need. I'm staying here FOR ME, so that I DON'T LOSE my convenient and fruitful lifestyle.

I broach the subject she gets her hackles up and shuts down
I asked and she, in typical fashion, decided what I needed to hear.


Right. In other words, playing a CON game on you.
Manipulating and controlling, instead of "coming clean" and starting over.


Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here Soulshattered, but glad you found us!

Firstly, read the 180 in the healing library! On DDAY I immediately went into "save this relationship!" mode and worried mostly about my WBF instead of worrying about myself. Looking back, I am ashamed of this because I gave him the power, when in all actuality, the power was mine.

I think this backfired and that's why I got 3 months of trickle truth and a watered down truth. Learn from my mistake and don't do this!

Read the 180, and then follow it. Its for YOU, not for her. You CANNOT "nice" your WW back into the relationship. It simply doesn't work.

I would not let her return home until YOU figure out what you want. Do you even want to R?

to R, you will need FULL transparency. That means all her passwords to email, social media, cell phone bill, ect...everything. And you will need the truth.

Also a no contact letter to the OM that you read and approve of.

Is the OM married as well? If so, I would expose the affair to his wife. She has a right to know.

These are only a few things. I'm sure others will come along with better advice than I have.

Sending you strength today!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry that you are struggling.

You WS is not remorseful in the slightest, and honestly sounds like she has one foot out the door. AS much as you want this to work and for R to happen you have to remind yourself that NONE of us saved our M's by pussy footing around.
Think of it this way. You have already lost your wife. She has made herself, and her A her priority. As much as that hurts it's true.

Honestly I think given your situation it's time for you to play hardball. You see a lawyer, and you file either for D or S, your decision, and regionally it's different as far as benefits/disadvantages to which.
You have her served, and you file for sole use of the marital home. She after all has left it for travel for school and her A. This may serve as the wake-up call she needs. So you need to be prepared with what you want and need from her to R. Yes you do get to call the shots. It's not really an ultimatum rather just asking for the things that should already be in place in a healthy loving relationship. If she balks continue on toward D.

You deserve to be treated with love, honor, and respect. She is giving you none. Time to demand it, or show her the door. Life is short, and we all deserve more than what you are going through. However only you can change things for you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7820 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have thought that the decisions on hter part would be easy ones if she was truly committed,

Please don't be confused about this. You are 100% correct, the decisions of a COMMITTED partner are easy ones. They HAVE DECIDED that they will remain faithful. There is really no "decision" to be made, it has ALREADY BEEN made.

People cheat because they are NOT COMMITTED to faithfulness, and because they have no respect for their spouse, no regard for his emotional well-being, caring only for themselves and what feels good at the moment.

she keeps saying some of the right things, "she's sorry," "she loves me," "she wants it to work," she doesn't want to "waste" the last 20 years, etc. etc.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Some" of the right things, but they sure as hell ain't what she said to the OM.

"wants it to work" and "doesn't want to waste" ?
In other words, me, me, me, me, me. WHAT I WANT.
In other words, to hell with you and what you want, or need. I'm staying here FOR ME, so that I DON'T LOSE my convenient and fruitful lifestyle.

I broach the subject she gets her hackles up and shuts down
I asked and she, in typical fashion, decided what I needed to hear.


Right. In other words, playing a CON game on you.
Manipulating and controlling, instead of "coming clean" and starting over.

My problems now are trust issues and choosing what path to walk

Well, one "issue" is only "yours" if you make it be.

Any normal human being is going to distrust someone who does this, and for a very long time.
Therefore, it is not you who has a "trust issue", it is HER who is NOT TRUSTWORTHY. This is HER "issue", not yours, and so far, she is doing bupkis to prove anything other than she is a LIAR and a con artist.

As to choosing your path, yes, this is your decision. You would do well to "own" this decision completely, and make it for yourself with exactly the same regard she had for you when she went and had her affair.



Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have thought that the decisions on hter part would be easy ones if she was truly committed,

Please don't be confused about this. You are 100% correct, the decisions of a COMMITTED partner are easy ones. They HAVE DECIDED that they will remain faithful. There is really no "decision" to be made, it has ALREADY BEEN made.

People cheat because they are NOT COMMITTED to faithfulness, and because they have no respect for their spouse, no regard for his emotional well-being, caring only for themselves and what feels good at the moment.

she keeps saying some of the right things, "she's sorry," "she loves me," "she wants it to work," she doesn't want to "waste" the last 20 years, etc. etc.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Some" of the right things, but they sure as hell ain't what she said to the OM.

"wants it to work" and "doesn't want to waste" ?
In other words, me, me, me, me, me. WHAT I WANT.
In other words, to hell with you and what you want, or need. I'm staying here FOR ME, so that I DON'T LOSE my convenient and fruitful lifestyle.

I broach the subject she gets her hackles up and shuts down
I asked and she, in typical fashion, decided what I needed to hear.


Right. In other words, playing a CON game on you.
Manipulating and controlling, instead of "coming clean" and starting over.

My problems now are trust issues and choosing what path to walk

Well, one "issue" is only "yours" if you make it be.

Any normal human being is going to distrust someone who does this, and for a very long time.
Therefore, it is not you who has a "trust issue", it is HER who is NOT TRUSTWORTHY. This is HER "issue", not yours, and so far, she is doing bupkis to prove anything other than she is a LIAR and a con artist.

As to choosing your path, yes, this is your decision. You would do well to "own" this decision completely, and make it for yourself with exactly the same regard she had for you when she went and had her affair.



Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soulshattered,

Read this thread to help you calibrate your emotions with your logic -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forum
s.asp?tid=514479


Also make sure to read through the Healing Library as already stated in this thread. You will lots of help here.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:42 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would your dealbreakers be? Don't think of them as demands--think of them as boundaries. If she can't honor them, that tells you she isn't really remorseful and lets you know how you need to proceed. Just be careful that you are ready to put consequences in place for if she doesn't respect your needs.

Have you been to consult a good divorce lawyer? Knowledge is power. You have to take the situation back into your hands.

(((soulshattered)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

until SHE decides if we're in R or not?

(((gently)))

This is not for her to decide alone.

And R only truly comes IF and WHEN she owns her behavior, asks your forgiveness and demonstrates through her actions and her words that she will do whatever it is that YOU need to begin to heal. Is your WW in IC to understand WHY she allowed herself to go down this road in the first place? Sorry doesn't quite cover an A. She broke your heart, she didn't step on your toe.

R is not a decision like chocolate or vanilla. It is a commitment, a process, an understanding of two people that are hurting and broken but see the good and the possibilities in building something better together.

R is a mind shift. R are actions through a desire to help heal the hurt and move forward being keenly aware of the damage the A has created (on both sides) and NEVER wanting to hurt like that again.

Take the first road for YOU. You get to say, these are the things I need from you to even consider moving forward. If you are unable or unwilling then we need to consider options for you to stay elsewhere.

Infidelity is many things but never, ever simple.

Take care of you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
bipass
♂ Member
Member # 194
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soulshattered

I'm sorry you have found yourself in the situation you are in with your WW, however you have come to the right place for help and advice from people who can provide you with understanding and knowledge from their own experience, and the combined experience of the many thousands of others who have passed through this site.

In case you haven't seen it already, I provided a link below, from a earlier poster who was suggesting answers to some of the questions you are asking yourself.

Hope it's of some use to you.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

bipass


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Australia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would your dealbreakers be? Don't think of them as demands--think of them as boundaries. If she can't honor them, that tells you she isn't really remorseful and lets you know how you need to proceed. Just be careful that you are ready to put consequences in place for if she doesn't respect your needs.
Have you been to consult a good divorce lawyer? Knowledge is power. You have to take the situation back into your hands.

I second all of this.^^^

What would feel best for you: to have her in the house or not? Do you need space away from her, or to have her close so you can ask all of the questions you have?

Setting up boundaries, or non-negotiables, or deal-breakers, or whatever you want to call them seems pretty important. If she refuses to honor your minimum needs, then I think you have your answer about how committed she is to you and your M. Her actions will speak louder than her words.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Separated. I need a break from this shit.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
soulshattered
♂ New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all thank you to everyone for your advice, it's greatly appreciated. Here's my big immediate dilemma and I really am at a loss about what to do: my WW gets home in two weeks time. Once she's home, she wants to go and visit her family, with me, because there are some family issues of health, etc., that need to be sorted out. She wants to leave the day after she gets back in the country. Once we come back from that, she is supposed to go on a training course for her work that will last approximately three weeks. I'm ver mindful of the fact that the last time she went on a training course she had an affair and so here we are. I personally think she should postpone the course in favour of MC. My IC said perhaps I should just book the MC appointment and leave the rest up to her. If I do that, however, it may just force her to make a decision that could affect the rest of OUR lives at a point where she's under some pressure because as much as I understand that this is on her she still is under pressures from the fallout the same as I am - so what do I do? I look forward to hearing all of your comments on this


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
kenny55
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soul,
I know you want to fix this problem. Most men are fixers as a rule. You did not break this and you cannot fix it. Your WW may be under stress. In my opinion she needs to decide what is more important to her at this time, saving the marriage or all the other things she has going on. You can't fix this on your own. Wishing you peace.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Feb 2009
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.