Anyway, last night I had the weirdest dream about X. I ran into him unexpectedly, and he did what I expect him to do someday-- he came up to me like we were old buddies, like nothing happened. As he approached me, I immediately instructed him to stop walking and get away from me. I told him that I will never speak to him again, and to stop trying to break NC. He got this look on his face like he was afraid I'd be like this, and he began to tell me that I wasn't being fair and that I have no idea how hard this last year has been on him. (btw: this is totally the kind of thing he was saying during false R and when he has broken NC with me). That just set me off. I began raging at him, a complete tirade about how he has no fucking idea what suffering is, how he has shown no empathy, how pathetic he is, etc etc. He tried to hold me in the dream, and I just kept pushing him off, telling him he wasn't allowed to touch me, to get away from me, that he is disgusting, etc. There were other elements of it that I can't get into here because they are too specific for anonymity's sake-- but it basically rehearsed a series of things he procrastinated or tortured me with because of his OCD and lack of responsibility over the years... in the dream, these are things he still hasn't had the character to address.
I hardly ever dream about X anymore these days-- this one woke me up out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night. I was sweating and had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep after that. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in the sense that it was a lot to process. It was just very intense.
What's interesting about this dream is how different it is from the ones I had in the months after we S/D. I basically had these night terrors where X was sitting in a chair and I was trying to explain to him how much he was hurting me and our friends and families, begging him to open his eyes to the fact that OW was a manipulator, that he was giving up someone who truly loved him, that he was making a mistake. In those dreams, he never responded, never heard any of it. I could tell nothing was getting through to him, no matter how hard I tried. I also had dreams where I was holding on to him, Titanic-style, and he would slip out of my hands and disappear.
While it was disturbing in sort of a general sense, I am much happier with the dream I had last night. The thing I kept thinking as I was lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep, was that I think the feelings of disgust I had for X in the dream would be real if I ever saw him in person (I haven't seen him in over a year now-- DDay was while he was out of town and we were never in the same space again). It helps me see that, even if he did have some sort of crazy awakening at his loss, it wouldn't matter. I think I've conclusively reached the stage where there is nothing he could do to even gain my friendship back, never mind my love.
Has anyone else had shifts like this in how their unconscious is processing loss or just the D in general?
Take it as another milestone on your healing journey. Congratulations!
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Then the angry dreams. Him seeking me out and me walking away, telling him to get back. I woke from these dreams all stressed and overwhelmed because I couldn't get away from him.
I've had dreams where he's begging me to talk to me and I'm in a bubble that gets thicker and thicker until I can't see or hear him.
Then the bittersweet dreams - he and I sitting in the sunshine, his hands stroking my face and me moving away far too slow for my liking. I'd wake from these dreams weeping.
The most regular dream I have seemed to happen once a month. I hear someone in the corner curled up into a ball and crying his heart out. He is dirty, disheveled and broken. When I realise it is him I go and get a towel, a bottle of water and some food and lay it in front of him. He reaches out to touch me and I move out of reach. Then he turns into a snarling vicious dog on a chain.
The setting is different each time I dream it but the storyline is the same. I wake from these dreams angry - why don't I walk away immediately? Why do I help him?
I haven't had it for several months now - my dreams have been overrun with other, far more pleasant ones.
Wishing you peace PL.
Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken
Today I found out that a person I thought was my friend went out to work for my X and didn't tell me she was pursuing the job. So I woke up this morning and there were all of these photos of her around my old place of business, my X "liking" all of them and her basically bragging about her great new position. I unfriended her in two seconds flat. Didn't even try to discuss it with her. But as a result I've had a few tears this afternoon. Mostly I feel pretty good these days, but whether it's a dream or a little incident like this, it has an uncanny way of popping back up.
Here's to hoping most of my continued processing is in my sleep.