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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you ever wonder why they married you in the first place?
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do. My STBX has, apparently, always had an unnatural interest in manipulating young girls. When I married him, I was nearly 25 and definitely did not look 14. Even when I was 14 I didn't look 14, but older.

This was part of the reason I found his problem so hard to accept as fact. I would think to myself, "But if that were true, why did he marry me? I don't fit that profile at all."

I made the mistake of saying that to someone (male) yesterday who burst out laughing and said, "You're kidding, right? Surely even you don't think that?" And I realized it was meant as a compliment even before the actual compliment came next, but I wasn't fishing for a compliment when I spoke my thoughts aloud like that. I seriously meant it...since he vicitimizes young girls, why did he choose me as a life partner?

The only answer I can think of is that I have no relationship at all with my father and that my mother is mentally ill, so he saw me as vulnerable enough to manipulate. He, of course, when I asked him right after D-Day, said, "Because I was in love with you."

But I know now that he can never love anyone, because he does not love himself.

Anyone else have thoughts like these?


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xWH is a philanderer. I'm convinced that he has to be married in order to have someone to cheat on. He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him. Since he's such a great husband, then how can he be a bad guy just because he can't keep his penis in his pants? Right?

Hence he's just turned 40 and is on wife #4, who of course, was OW# umpteen. I predict a long and wonderful and faithful marriage for them both. Hah!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm convinced that he has to be married in order to have someone to cheat on. He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him.
cayc surely you are talking about my XWH!

I do wonder why he married me. I wonder this all the time. I was a good person, he knew he was a cheater, and he knew it would destroy me. Why did I have to be the poor sucker to fill the role of the nice little wife?

I know there is supposed to be a reason for all of this, and that everything happens for a reason, but it just doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3390 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my ex that same question when we were in MC. His answer...."It's what people do."

I think his motives were along the lines of cayc's XWH. He really wants to be seen as a wonderful guy, and yet he loves the thrill of illicit seduction. One woman after another (or even concurrently). We're their cover. He also said it was easier to break it off with the other women when they wanted more. He's a married man, after all, he would tell them.

He found ways to justify it in his own mind. I think it's been a little harder for him now that he's divorced and word has spread about his behavior. I named names and now I think women are worried about their reputations if they are seen with him.

His current girlfriend has been called clingy, needy, and a ding dong for sticking with him after he has cast her off once with the lines, "I like a lot of women as much as I like you." At least now he's being honest! Progress?


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't marry me. Guess I should have known I was just a placeholder until he found something better.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Feb 2010
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. I wonder the same thing. I am nothing like this girl he is with now. He told me she needs him more. I told him, you have known me since the 7th grade...when have I ever been as needy as you claim you like/want/need now? He admitted...never....of course then, I asked...why did you marry me then....he says it was a mistake...I believe him...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Princess wanted it all: She wanted a husband and kids, a big house in the suburbs, and she wanted to screw everything that moves. And she had it all for a while.

And now she's working on her new guy. He has more money, and has a job that keeps him out-of-province for two-thirds of the time. The screwing around is MUCH easier now, I'm sure.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013
ThrownAwayTwice
♀ Member
Member # 43226
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder this all the time. I have asked several times. Usually just got "I'm sorry" but at least once it was "I can't imagine a future without you." well time to expand the imagination.


BW early 30's

Separated March 2014
No clue what current status is.. kind of don't care...


Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2014
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figure I was his uterus!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5262 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha, Kajem, ^^^I thought the same thing too.

Whalers, he didn't marry me either, but he's engaged to OW. I was a placeholder and a uterus. Hmmm.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:21 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1419 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I think in the begining I was what she thougth she wanted in life. Secure financially and emotionally. In reality I was her sperm donor.

She has told me since the D that she was pretending to be someone she wasn't. I'm not sure how true that is. But I do know she became someone I didn't want to be with. But if she was pretending all that time to be someone else, why marry me to begin with? Crazy.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:28 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't wonder because I asked. He married me because I loved him and he didn't know if anyone else would. He made it his mission to find out how many anyone elses would.

He did not love me.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8835 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't wonder, he sent me a letter and told me.

"It was a marriage of convenience. He needed someone to raise his kids. I pressured him. I controlled him. I just wanted his money. I emotionally abused him. I am pathetic and laughable."

Those are all the reasons why he married me. Wish I had known that before I said I do.

You all get why I don't date, right?


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs the stability and outward appearance of being a "good guy" to cover up the nastiness that causes him to fuck every woman who will let him.

Amen! I'm pretty sure STBXH got married because it was the expected path for him. Also, I was stupid enough to propose to HIM, so he didn't have to do any work.

If he ever marries again, I WILL get up and object that STBXH is incapable of fidelity, therefore incapable of entering into a valid marriage. At least, that's the reasoning I'm gonna use for my Annulment.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the perfect wife. I was the beautiful, smart, educated, great mom, housekeeper, cook, Any man would be proud to have you for a wife.... I still hear that.....

Well I guess he like the bottom of the barrel woman, I don't know and I don't give a fuck!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2782 | Registered: Aug 2011
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I certainly do wonder.

CommandOwife is exactly like XWH's "type" before he met me. He prefers short, needy women with issues (based on what he told me about his past GFs). I am definitely not short, and I'm very independent. While I'm not perfect and certainly have some FOO issues to deal with, I would say that they don't rule my life. IIRC, both GFs had commitment issues, and I know that at least one of them struggled with depression/anxiety. I'm not saying that makes them bad people-- I'm just the opposite of that. I committed to our relationship, and I didn't jerk XWH around. I think one GF ran hot and cold with him, and the other was into him until another guy came along.

CommandOwife clearly has commitment issues since she cheated on her BH with my ex through Ashley Madison, and she rushed into marrying my ex, so she's clearly very needy. She's also really short.

I don't know... maybe I was a challenge to him? Maybe he thought I was what his parents would approve of? Maybe he enjoyed the attention he got for being with a woman out of his league?

I don't analyze it too much anymore. I'm just grateful that I got three great kids out of the deal.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figure I was his uterus!

^^THIS. He used me to have children. He was also still in the midst of me being the target of his love addiction and pushed so hard for marriage. Even with me putting the bakes on we were M within 20m. He used guilt trips, "Don't you love me? All I want to do is be married to you!" whenever I asked him to slow the fuck down.

Once limrance wore off he stuck with me because he was gagging to have children and no other fool would agree to it.

When I did finally agree fatherhood wasn't what he expected.

His mother modelled love addict behaviour. She's all alone now and has been for over a decade.

With me he was who I wanted him to be - who he aspired to be for a time. I've said before he was the closest he'll ever be to the man he might have been when he was with me.

It's all downhill from here and he knows it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a child before we married, so I figure it was because of that. But in MC before dday she kept accusing me of not wanting to be in the marriage...now I see those moments as her projecting her own desires on me.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2013
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He married me to try to be normal, to escape his FOO issues. He could pretend for a while.

I fell for it because I am a master at explaining away red flags, we married young, and I didn't believe in divorce, so was determined to make it work.

His MOW was a clone of his (very disturbed) mother.

Sometimes I think he used me to pay for his medical school, but he claims that just was a side benefit and unplanned. He could not have planned it better for himself financially if he'd tried.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3404 | Registered: Dec 2011
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I was the stability to his madness.

I was dependable, I had a job, I was smart, I was reliable, a good mother and wife and I didn't suspect a thing for most of our marriage. When I spotted a red flag I either ignored it or he could explain it and I was crazy.

Plus I was willing to have children with him and that way he got to control my life forever.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
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