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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seriously? Wtf?
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Easy, my brother, I am sorry my answer was so brusque. This early out, you're struggling to remember to breathe. We can help, really, we can.

The truth is, your wife has had an affair. Took everything you thought was sacred and just discarded it like yesterdays newspaper. She then compounds it by giving you hope and then crushing you again. You, your marriage and your children are the last things on her mind. The only thing on her mind right now is her and her own happiness. Consequences be damned.

My advise is based on making her focus on those consequences. Make her face reality. You want the marriage, I get that. Brother, she fired you. You absolutely need to begin treating her that way.

Let me ask, who knows? She probably has begun preemptively telling her family what a shit you are. How you never treated her right. She's rewriting your marital history as fast as she can so she can look like the good guy. Put a stop to it. Tell her family what's really going on. You want the marriage, but you cannot tolerate having another POS in it. Don't let her hide.

I'm standing by my other advice also. She wants him, fine, walk away.

Honestly, it's your best chance to save the M.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3160 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
EasyE
♂ New Member
Member # 43274
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone again for the advice. I feel a little better than I did yesterday. I actually was able to get some sleep last night and eat dinner. I decided to try going "cold" I only engaged her when she initiated it. I kept my answers short as we'll. she still hasn't brought up the A or come clean about the recontact. It ' shard to talk wth the kids around. They are 11 and we both have a really good bond and relationship wih them and want to shield them from as much as possible.


Me: faithful all 17 years of marriage.
Her: faithful 16 years of marriage.
Children: 2 beautiful daughters.
D-Day: 4/13/14

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Taunton, MA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((EasyE))))

Sleep, and good nutrition, can do wonders. Keep staying withdrawn and moving forward. Each little bit of distance will help you to get clarity.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A word on the kids. At 11 they are old enough and smart enough to know something is going on. You need to sit them down, and tell them that you are having a difficult time, and are working through the problems. These problems have nothing to do with them, and you will always love them no matter what.
In addition you need to ask them to respect your need for increased private time. You then need to establish a place in your home where you two can talk privately, and confidentially when you need to have time to talk. For us it was our bedroom. For others it's their basement, or garage, but you need that space, and need to know that when you are there the kids are going to leave you alone.

If you are constantly worried about them interrupting, it can be very harmful to R.
My kids were much smaller, and when I had an issue I would make sure they had their needs met, and then would say your dad and I are going to talk for a while, so please do not bother us for the next 30 minutes. It worked most of the time.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
EasyE
♂ New Member
Member # 43274
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice on the kids. I am really struggling today. I wish he would wake up from her fog and realize her feelings for the OM are not genuine. Her inability to try even if it is for just the kids. I cannot shake my feelings. I still love her immensely. I cannot imagine my life without her. We were so happy. I don't know what happened. I can't concentrate on anything else. Should I tell our families in the hopes they can smarten her up ? Should I contact the OM and tell him what affect this is having on us? How can she love him? He lives 900 miles away. How can they form a real relationship? It's so obvious from the site they met on that he was trolling for a hook up.


Me: faithful all 17 years of marriage.
Her: faithful 16 years of marriage.
Children: 2 beautiful daughters.
D-Day: 4/13/14

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Taunton, MA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently here EasyE. She's living in a fantasy world. There is no real relationship. She's not going to see that until you start playing hardball. The only way to wake her up is to let her go. Yes, out her affair to your family...if you think that is going to help YOU. Start detaching. Start getting tough. You cannot nice her back. I said the same in your other thread earlier. Start to explore your options and start thinking of those kids before this get worse.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolutely, out the affair. not as revenge, not to be mean but to force her to face reality.

affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness.Shine the light of truth on it. let her face the whole truth of what she has done.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3160 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sounds to me like she isn't happy and wants to leave. I know you have a life together and you love that life but I think you should let her go. I think it's less about this other guy and more about her not feeling unfulfilled. I'm in a similar situation and don't have the courage to stand up for myself and leave.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
SagaOfLies
♂ New Member
Member # 43286
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

File for D and implement 180. Expose to friends and family. Post the OM on CV.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2014
EasyE
♂ New Member
Member # 43274
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry what does CV mean?


Me: faithful all 17 years of marriage.
Her: faithful 16 years of marriage.
Children: 2 beautiful daughters.
D-Day: 4/13/14

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Taunton, MA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry what does CV mean?

It's a reference to another website where you can post cheaters. We don't advocate that and it's not going to get you anything.

How are you doing EasyE?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Easy
I'm so sorry you're here. Your hurt is so evident.
I've only known a couple of weeks myself and I understand where you are at.

Please listen to the advice about looking after yourself. A little bit at a time. Sleep in little bits if you need too. Graze instead of eating a full meal if you can't face it. Drink lots of water. Try and get out the house, take a walk, buy a loaf of bread.

Tell whoever you want about the affair. Let her deal with people's responses, you need people to talk too and your own support system.

Read about the 180. It's meant to make you stronger, not bribe her to come back. I'm trying to follow it as much as I can, and it has given me strength. I hope every day that that strength will grow.

Keep posting EasyE, there's always someone here to listen


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
EasyE
♂ New Member
Member # 43274
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing better than earlier today even. Found out my boss went through this himself. He is a great guy and we talked during our lunch break. It helped me feel better. We did start MC. Our next appt is Tuesday night. I am trying to get strong enough to lay it all out.


Me: faithful all 17 years of marriage.
Her: faithful 16 years of marriage.
Children: 2 beautiful daughters.
D-Day: 4/13/14

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Taunton, MA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read up on the 180 or given any thought to exploring legal options? I know you don't want to do either of these. But it's not like you have to file for D, explore your options. Learn your rights. Show her your f@cking serious about her playing around with your families lives.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
SagaOfLies
♂ New Member
Member # 43286
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's wrong with posting the OM on CV if the truth is posted. BS gets pain, humiliation, years even decades worth of triggers and the OM gets free pussy. Shouldn't the OM pay too?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is wrong with it, but this site doesn't condone revenge activities so please stop encouraging it.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198805 | Registered: May 2002
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Easy, how did your first session of MC go?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3160 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
EasyE
♂ New Member
Member # 43274
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC we actually have had 4 sessions. Rah time I felt more hopeful after leaving. We would talk afterwards sometimes briefly other times at length. Our counselor semis to really be in tune to our issues. The last session is when we told him about the A. He even told her have has to go NC or else we can go there 2 years and it won't do any good.


Me: faithful all 17 years of marriage.
Her: faithful 16 years of marriage.
Children: 2 beautiful daughters.
D-Day: 4/13/14

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Taunton, MA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are getting good advice so I will not repeat it other than you need to make sure this therapist does not give you the crap that some of them do that now that it is discussed just move on like nothing ever happened.
One question I have not seen happen. What on earth were you thinking when she got the bonus and just took off from St. Louis to Massachusetts to spend a week end with this guy. Didn't that strike you as a little suspicious since you stated you could not make rent. I can understand if she hid money but when she disappeared for that amount of time where the heck did u think she was?

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out my boss went through this himself
That is great, you now know that you have support at work as well, and that will help immensely.

I think it could help telling her parents, be aware though, you never know what made up stories your wife is spreading around. If so, her stories are only more of her denial of real life since affairs are made up of lies.

All of the WS stories are nothing more than justifying their wrongs. Justifications and rationalizing for what they really know is wrong.

As for calling this OM. I don't know why not, you have every right to. I might have missed this, but does this OM even know your wife is married?

With so many lies being thrown around, you never know.


Posts: 4278 | Registered: Jun 2002
Topic Posts: 66
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