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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Real friends?
Angeles85
♀ Member
Member # 42107
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok maybe I don't have real friends or maybe I'm too sensitive these days
My long time friends live far from me. 2 in another country and 1 out of state. They were all really supportive after DDAY. They texted me 4-5 times a week checking on me and we used to talk on the phone twice a week. This happened only about 2 months.
Now, the friends that live close from me are avoiding me (or at least that's what I feel) My so called best friend cancelled me twice last week. And after that no text saying sorry or to make up the date, nothing. They don't call/text to check on me. I am not the kind of person that cries all the time and keeps talking about ex, I know that's annoying, but hey that's what friends are for right? I try to keep the drama for myself but when I can't really take it no more I need a friend to vent. I would do it for them...
Well I guess none of them know what this nightmare is and they expect me to be cured by now
I'm trying to socialize more, find new friends but it is really difficult to find good ones at our age lol, I don't know. I guess I'm just having a bad day. Thanks for reading

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Los Angeles
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how old you are. Have you tried any meetup groups to meet new people?

As far as your current friends, have you talked with them about this?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Angeles85
♀ Member
Member # 42107
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 28. Yes I am currently part of 3 meetup groups.. . I met new people there but it seems like they are not comfortable sharing too much, they are just nice. I know it takes time to cultivate a real friendship so I need to be patient, I guess. No, I haven't tell my friends that I think they are not being supportive enough. I don't have any idea how to do it, I don't want to beg anybody to spend time with me if they don't really want to :/

[This message edited by Angeles85 at 3:24 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Los Angeles
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Don't beg people to hang out with you. But that doesn't mean you can't express your feelings. Your best friend blew you off and you didn't talk about it with her?

Give your new friends some time. Maybe suggest to do something outside of the meetup?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote a post about this- it might be just their nature.

Keep meeting people - I am thinking I should step away from them because I am use to different type of friends.

My old friend and I were discussing this today and she said maybe they don't know how. That is a true statement.

Keep meeting new people but remember you are the most important one.

[This message edited by fireproof at 6:47 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 931 | Registered: Jul 2012
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're looking for real-life people to vent to about your situation, a Divorce Support Group might be helpful.

I have found that friends vary in what I can expect from them. I have some who are incredibly supportive and are always there for me (and vice versa) and some who are more flighty. I'll call the latter to go out, but not to share much about myself. I think it's nice to have that balance.

Some of my friends and I even joke about the fact that we are low maintenance friends. We may go weeks or even a month without talking, but when we see each other again, it's like old times.

Do you initiate at all? You mention that your friends were texting you right after D-Day -- what would happen if you sent a text like, "Having a rough day -- wanted to say hi" I have a few friends who do that to me, and it usually ends in me asking them to do something.

I'm sorry you're feeling down.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3315 | Registered: Dec 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with phmh, reach out to them once in awhile. My friends were totally there for me but also backed off and gave me my space sometimes because they thought that's what I wanted. I reached out to them and they were awesome.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4463 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Angeles85
♀ Member
Member # 42107
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been too much stress for me lately at work and with ex, too. I miss him so much, I miss our relationship and cannot stop crying everyday. I know I'm doing the right thing, he cheated on me so many times and I ca nnot be with him. I have tried to reach my friends, in fact I invited them to my new place and I guess they don't want to drive. I live 30 min away. Everytime we see eachother I have to drive :/
I just want to say THANK YOU all here. SI has been so important for me, you guys have helped me understand so many things and without u I would probably forgive my ex...again. Just because this pain is incredible and only u guys understand it

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Los Angeles
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Angeles))))

The mourning time over your ex is necessary even when it's better to be apart. It will get better--it's still so so fresh for you. Do you read on www.baggagereclaim.co.uk at all? It can be helpful for perspective,

Also, Lordy, people in La really do hate driving to different neighborhoods! I get this complaint about friends from my SIL who lives out there. Unfortunately it just seems part of the culture that people don't go to areas they consider too far. Work around it for now,but work on those new friendships too. And take time to just be by yourself and learn to enjoy that too. There are so many lovely places to enjoy in LA, and you can get a lot from doing them solo, whether the beach or the canyons or the taco trucks!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LovelyDaffodils
♀ Member
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also been ignored by a couple of my friends. One of which is who I poured everything out to just after DDay. Then she was I guess tired of the drama. But the last few times we talked, I made sure to not bring it up. I actually wanted to hear what she had been up to to take my mind off things. But since, pretty much crickets.

A few others have stepped up, for which I am thankful. Especially since I had disappeared pretty much for a whole month (working on False R )

But I do think we can be overwhelming to our friends with our "stuff". Maybe they feel like they can't really help us. I do feel like my idea of letting our friends be a distraction-rather than a crutch to lean on, is healthier for the friendship. Discuss this with your friend that canceled on you. Ask her to go with you on a mental vacation from all the crap. To talk about fun stuff like you used to in happier times. It does help and she may feel more helpful to you in that way.


BS me 49
WS 42
OW easy NSA he says he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 11 yrs
Together 20
In house S, Divorcing

Posts: 73 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some friends are limited in what they can hear. I had friends drop away and new ones emerge.

I did a lot of crafting in groups after DDay, once I was functional enough. It was a way of being with other women, not alone, but being really engaged in what we were doing rather than talking and listening about life's dramas. Sometimes you just want to get away from all that create a beautiful scrapbook or cards, or knit a scarf.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Topic Posts: 11

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