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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Story - Friend Needed
BreatheAgain10
♀ Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scubadoo, I'm so happy that you and your fWH had a truly productive conversation! I know how much it can hurt or sting to get down to the deeper stuff, but for many of us, the truth really does set us free! And seeing true remorse and humility from our fWH, especially the genuine tear-filled kind, makes us feel comforted and just a tad closer to rebuilding some trust.
I pray that you and your fWH keep making the progress you need in order to heal and for him to grow and become the H you need him to be. I wish you both the best on this most difficult journey.


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 261 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad he responded and answered some questions! He needs to realize that this isn't one and done though, but rather it is hard, painstaking, repetitive work. The triggers and trauma will cycle as you process them, eventually coming at longer intervals apart but still present. However if he can do the work with you to heal it can take you somewhere good, if you both are able to make it.

Hoping for the best and keep us posted! It's rocky at first but get good ICs and you will start down the right path.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BreatheAgain10
♀ Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to realize that this isn't one and done though, but rather it is hard, painstaking, repetitive work. The triggers and trauma will cycle as you process them, eventually coming at longer intervals apart but still present. However if he can do the work with you to heal it can take you somewhere good, if you both are able to make it.

Exactly ^^^
Norabird said what I couldn't put as easily into words, perfectly!


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 261 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you've had your "A-HA" moment where you realized YOU actually hold the key to your future, not HIM! You sound more powerful now, more in control of your own life and the situation you've been dealt. My advice on the letter is to NOT send it, as other's have advised. In IC I was told by my counselor that this only empowers the OW. She said to NEVER let her see how she has affected you! I'm thankful to hear that your H read the articles and they seem to have opened his eyes some! He NEEDS to know the REAL and HORRID pain you are in. I think most of us at some point have also enjoyed seeing the tears when they realize how deeply they hurt us. (And maybe "enjoyed" is the wrong word, maybe it should be "relieved" to see the tears). I hope your trip away is a good one! Keep coming back here. I can honestly say it's helped me as much as IC. Hugs!


Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So flipping mad and tired of his crap. I never talk to my friends on the phone. Maybe just a quick hi or what not on face book. So I'm pretty much alone except for the kids all the time. Also as I have said before I didn't tell anyone. So tonight a friend of mine called to talk, I was just surprised an excited to talk to her. WH was napping on the couch, he had just got off work. So to be considerate, I went outside to the front porch to talk. A little while later I come back in still talking to her. He is stomping all over the house. All dressed and ready to go. Just slamming things around and cussing at me for being on the phone. I ignored him and walked away still talking. Had he said something along the lines of hey I need to chat with you real quick, or can you ask them to hold for a second I would have gladly put down the phone and gave him my full attention. Instead he acts like a five year old, so I let him. As he walks past me on the porch I casually asked where ya headed. Out, is what I get. So I waited. 20 minutes pass and I text him if he would like dinner and he replies he would fend for himself. I'm pissed now.
So I reply maybe you should do that every night.
His response as you wish.
So now I become childish. My reply : it's never as I wish, it's always the only way YOU want it. Your a fucking ass who does not know how to handle any situation that your not the
star of.
His reply : K

My only fear is we are supposed to go back to Florida tomorrow. I'm scared he is trying to pick a fight so I won't go. You know who is there!


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still not any better. He came back in last night didn't speak to me. Went on to bed, got up this morning went to work, still not talking. Then he posts this on Facebook when he got to work something about:
There's a time you just gotta walk away from the people in your life and all the drama with it. Like I said we are supposed to go to Florida today. Sunday is/was our anniversary. Stupid me I even got him a gift for it. Should have known better.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
Strangefacade
♀ New Member
Member # 43394
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi friend. I'm going through something very very similar. It's heart breaking and aggravating and frustrating.
We will get through this somehow.


I'm strong again. That's the only reason you choose me.

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Mi
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called a rollercoster. Up and down round and round we go. Buckel up. It's a bumpy ride. And no way stay home. If you don't go together then maybe you should both stay home. Or go yourself. But no way he goes alone. Sorry this is happening. He needs to communicate with you. Not act up.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was debating on wether or not to make another post about this past weekend. I feel like I'm just whining and complaining. I ended up going to Florida, Friday and Saturday were actually very nice. Sunday was the kicker, our 11 year anniversary. I had a canvas of our wedding day on the beach in Hawaii made, the lyrics to the song we danced to were written in the background. It was very beautiful and I thought very nice of me considering our circumstances. Well I didn't get shit, not even a card or awknowledgement of our anniversary. Needless to say our drive home was a very quiet one. Over 6 hours trapped in the car with him. Once we got back home and had the kids in bed and out of earshot I let it fly. I wanted to know what I had done to deserve such crappy treatment. His response was I told him several weeks ago I didn't recognize our anniversary anymore. I corrected him and said no, I said I wasn't sure how I felt about our anniversary date anymore seeing as how you decided to step out of our marriage. Well it just escalated from there. He ended up throwing his wedding ring at me because it didn't mean anything to him, because I no longer wore mine. ( btw my wedding ring is at the bottom of a river in Florida, I threw it in on D-Day, because yes, it no longer meant anything). Went to bed bawling my eyes out, never received an apology or anything. About to scream. Now it has been four days, he acts just fine, like everything is a-Ok. Yet, he has never put his ring back on, I did notice it was gone out of the floor, but never back to his finger. We finally have our first session of MC this coming Monday ( Memorial Day ). I don't know how to get through another weekend. I don't know how he can be so cruel and flippant. Sorry ranting.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 him right now. Stop doing for him, stop talking to him, stop anything other than absolutely bare communication about children and finances. He can cook for himself, wash his own clothing, and tend to himself from this point on. He's throwing a Class A Mantrum, so disengage and take care of yourself and your children.

I hope that your MC can help you this weekend. If not, then cancel the sessions. You can't do MC with someone who doesn't want to save their marriage it's a waste of time and money and energy. Right now, an IC might be far, far better.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scubadoo...

I am past the 2 year mark. I just "let it go" for the sake of everyone. I never got the true remorse or the meaningful marriage counseling.

She quit betraying me and I quit bothering her with it. For the last six months things were pretty good. My wife has been great and has honestly acted like nothing ever happened and has been wonderful.

Lately things have started to come back with a vengeance.

If you don't deal with it now it's not going away.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
flygirl96
♀ Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so hard scuba. I wish you nothing but happiness. I'm going through my own hell now so it is hard to comment but I feel all alone just like you. Thinking of you!!

Posts: 343 | Registered: Feb 2009
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep posting! We are here for you.

Scuba I'm in fl also, the northeast corner to be almost exact.

I hope the weekend is mantrum free for you.

Hugs.
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Skan, Damaged, Flygirl, and Kajem. Just knowing that someone is listening means so much. I'm going to try to commit to the 180. I would love to do IC, but just don't have the funds right now as I am portraying a stay at home mom, another thing that gets thrown back at me. He routinely lets me hear about the waste of my college education. As I sit home and play all day. Yet, these are things we agreed to about this move even before I found out about the OW. Now he really does not like it here, the job or the state. The kids and I love it here. He wants to go back to our house in Jacksonville. Which we still have. I don't think I can ever go back to Florida. Too many painful memories there. I'm beginning to think there may be a mental issue. Also, not sure if I shared, his first wife had multiple affairs on him. You would think he wouldn't want someone else he supposedly loved to feel that way.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
titanfour
♂ Member
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


180 is your best bet. He is all over the place! We can't see what you do, but it seemed very bipolar. Is he still NC?

Also, you can see ICs that are in training (they are under supervision at a practice usually) at extremely reasonable prices. Something to consider if you really need to talk to someone.

I agree hard to believe a BS would be so capable of inflicting this.


ME: FBH
HER: FWW
many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, I just can't catch a break. My truck was broken into at the soccer field tonight. My purse and WH wallet were stolen. They punched a hole in the side of my truck by the door handle. I don't think I can handle another feeling of invasion. Is karma somehow catching me in the crosswind of getting him?

Thanks titanfour, I will check into that about the IC's in training.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I guess it just continues. Not sure if I related this or not, but I am a libra, so naturally I am an equilibrium kinda gal. I guess you could say I'm an apologizer. I like everyone to be happy and in a good place, no matter the cost to myself, physically or emotionally. I want to make everything better, to fix it. So I guess I'm kinda a doormat too. So afraid of losing something I think I love.

After dinner last night we came home and actually had a moment of alone time, I thought this would be a good time to talk a little. I asked him simply when your first wife cheated on you did it hurt you at all? His response was I guess a little. I then asked it didn't tear your heart out? His reply was no, I guess it was over by then. I'm totally taken aback by this, really?? Wow, did you not love her anymore, (cheesey response coming) no, not like I love you. Damn, so you didn't love her like you love me, yet you do to me what she did to you. Well just to let you know it hurt me very bad. A little more banter back and forth, then I try to ask about does he want to talk to someone, no he doesn't need it. So now I bring up SI to him. Try to let him know there is a place where he can go and find answers or help if he needs it.. He says he don't need the brain washing like I have gotten. I'm like what do you mean? He tells me SI is filling my head with issues that don't even exist. Apparently I have left my ipad with this site open. Not really sure if he has read my exact posts or not, but it really hurt.
I walk into the kitchen to get a drink come back out and he is gone, I think just to the bathroom, 20 minutes go by, I walk back to the bedroom and he is in bed. No goodnight, nothing. I go to the bathroom to take a shower. I come out he is back in the den, now playing Xbox. I throw my hands up and just went to bed. Now here it is a nice long weekend. We have spoken 4 words to each other all day. I have stayed in the bedroom and he has played Xbox all day!!!
I hope he isn't waiting for dinner. Not gonna happen. I am so stuck in my situation, no job and no way out.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It appears I will be my own friend.

I printed off the divorce papers and gave them to him.

I now plan on seeking my own way out.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
birdy
Member
Member # 30937
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! You do not need him, get out of there. He is a total jerk. HUGS.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((Scubadoo)))))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 49
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