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Newest Member: utterlydone (44718)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Story - Friend Needed
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It appears I will be my own friend.

I printed off the divorce papers and gave them to him.

I now plan on seeking my own way out.


If I'm being honest, I think this is your best post in this thread. Your husband is so completely disengaged that it's almost too painful to read your posts at this point.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1711 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scubadoo...wow, things sound pretty horrific. I think that for your own sake, it is vital that you get some of your own individual therapy. It will help you get some perspective about what is going on and what you want to do. It's strange that your husband has been so resistant to MC but you can get some help for yourself. The OW sounds like a right slag so ugh! What a bitch!! Good luck. Keep us updated.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 144 | Registered: May 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations. You are doing the right thing. What am a-hole your H is. I am late to this thread but for what I have read you have endured enough. In answer to your earlier question, he have up on her so easy because all the love you bull shit he was feeding her was only so he could selfishly keep her hooked so he could bang her. It is not uncommon for guys to detach quickly once the sex ends , which your discovery of his antics made happen. Since it is obvious he only cares about himself, not surprised he let her go even after you said take her.

Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate to say this, but there are times when you need to cut bait and run, this just may be that time. You sound like an amazing woman,wife,mother and you deserve a MAN not a f'd up little spoiled brat of a boy.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Last night was our first session of MC. My feelings had changed from when I scheduled the appointment to when we actually showed up. When I called I wanted to R completely. I went to the appointment last night with a copy of the divorce papers in a folder on my lap. I must admit I was impressed by the counselor and my WH. I gave my spiel first about how I perceived our marriage was before, during, and after the affair. What I thought the why of his affair was, and how I now feel as a wife and woman. It was hard, he was sitting right beside me, but I let it all out. It felt so good for someone to listen, not judge me, and actually hear me.

Then it was his turn. He actually looked like he was going to vomit. Green around the gills and sweating. To my surprise he was as honest as he could be. I learned things that I never knew before. Apparently this OW (F..King B..ch to me) was the person he lost his virginity to. Also, their relationship ended terribly. She then went out with the very next guy and got knocked up and ended up marrying him. She was only 17. So now fast forward 31 years when they reconnect, guess they thought it was time to deal with things that happened in the past. Yes, he initially contacted her, but she latched on like no tomorrow and blew his brain up with how she has loved only him all these years and they were the ones that were supposed to be together. Blah Blah Blah. He fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I was not a consideration, just a casualty.

Our MC is the one who pointed all this out, we just spewed forth info, and he started putting pieces together. Apparently, my husband also has issues with anger and being happy in general. He is a glass half empty kinda guy. He does not own his actions, but blames others for them. So I guess we have a long way to go. He begged and begged me in counseling not to leave him, he promised he would do all the work required to fix this and make it better.

So for now, the doormat that I am is going to try again. I have laid down strict rules though. I will not be the trash can for his mouth diarrhea. He will try to make more positive than negative statements each day. The MC also told him that he is to reflect on the affair to try and discover his “why” that it happened. We have our next session June 6th. He told us that we will probably only spend 2 more sessions on the affair, and then move on to actually reworking our marriage. Don't hold him to that time line though he interjected. Haha

Could this be real or all smoke and mirrors?


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I wish you much luck in your reconciliation.

I did notice that you basically blamed the OW for this whole mess because she manipulated your husband into believing they were meant to be. I think you're giving her far too much credit and him not nearly enough.

Accountability is huge, and he's not some innocent lamb who was led off to slaughter by a conniving evil vixen. He went looking for her for a reason and he needs to own that, not play himself off as some dumb guy who didn't know he was being tricked by the OW.

I hope your MC only allotting 2 more sessions to talk about the affair doesn't set a precedent in your husband's mind where he's assuming that once these 2 sessions are over, you'll never bring up the affair again. You might want to tip him off that the same rule doesn't apply at home.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1711 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neveragain2013
I reread my post, and your right, it does sound like I'm blaming her more. But, I do know he is the one who stepped out of the marriage. I know HE went looking for her. I am well too aware of that. HE is the one that broke our marriage vows not her.

Our MC also told me about how I need to work on my anger towards her, I would love nothing more than to make this trollop suffer every day of her life. I have such intense hate and rage towards her. MC asked me why I wasn't directing this anger towards the true responsible party, my WH. I couldn't answer. I don't know, I told him I felt it was because it was safer and easier to hate her from a distance, to be able to blame someone besides my husband. Who wants to believe someone who vowed to love and protect them, would hurt and humiliate them so.

The MC also explained to my husband how I may have forgiven him, but the affair can actually NEVER be forgotten. We just have to learn to incorporate it into our future together. We have to make a new life with that as a memory, painful as it may be. He also told my husband there may be years to come that I will still have questions, pain, and flashbacks. That he needs to support me through these and not to ignore my feelings. If this is something he can't do, then we will have a very bumpy road trying to reconcile.

My mind is just bouncing all over the place. Still trying to process everything that we talked about. I was sad when it was over, the time with the MC went by so fast. Yet, I feel we covered so much.
Also, my WH threw out there that I live on the Internet between a support group and a homewrecker site. The MC advised me to stay away from HW site, it would only fuel my anger. But, there was nothing wrong seeking help and emotional support from people who have "been there and done that". Just make sure my decisions are my decisions and not influenced out of an "in the moment reaction". I thought it sounded good.
Sorry like I said except for my MC, SI is my outlet, sorry if I have turned this into a personal journal. It helps to see my life in print.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Scubadoo))) I'm so sorry you are here, and I'm sorry your WH is so back and forth. I know that is a hard place to be it -- hoping and feeling like you might have turned a corner, only to find your one step forward has come with two steps back.

It sounds like you've found a good MC. They aren't all good - and sometimes condone rug sweeping, so as you try to see if R is possible, it is great that you've found a good ally in that.

Please post, and post some more. That's what SI is for. All of us have been there - and many of us under the same circumstances (SI is one of our only places to talk).

I got the say "brainwashing" speech from my ExWH. It is simply deflection -- not wanting you to take your power back -- not wanting you to be strong enough to create your boundaries and keep them.

I truly thing SI is the best thing that can happen to anyone -- whether they D or R -- the wealth of experience for BTDT literally saved my sanity.

I do think your MC is right -- although, it's not that I think you should let go of your anger at OW. Its justified. At the same time, it IS an easy trap to fall into - letting the OW bear the brunt of our anger -- and letting if overshadow the responsibility of the WS. In the end, if anger at OW takes up too much of your headspace, that's really just hurting you. I spent many a week (months??) dreaming about outing OW to everyone in the universe. And honestly, I'm not (personally) in the camp that preaches restraint in these areas, BUT -- it was just a lot of wasted time for me.

I finally realized that there was no justice I could dispense. There was no action I could ever take that would make us "even". There was no pain I could inflict that would make her feel what I was feeling, and get her to feel real remorse. That was just out of my control. That helped me clear some of that from my headspace. I still hate OW, but she doesn't live in my head anymore (or often at least since I still have to deal with her. But I let go of the obsessing for ME, not her.

Anyway, I just wanted to emphasize that there is never too much on SI. Post every day - about everything that has happened if it helps you -- no one will ever tell you it’s "too much"


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, did I take a wrong turn this afternoon. I thought I wanted to find out when my WH began to tell the whore he was done. So I looked back through one of the piles of text messages from the two of them. Bad mistake, I ran into material that I had never read before. All lovey dovey stuff and mean things about me. Things that I know for a fact he was lying to her about saying to me and doing. He was also making fun of some dreams we had planned to do together, and how they weren't gonna happen because he would be with her. Holy shit why did I go digging. I was trying to make myself feel better about him dumping her, and instead got dumped myself again.
Will I ever learn? I was wondering if I should throw the stuff away or hold onto it. In Florida it is a no fault state, but we are now in georgia and it is an at-fault state. Yet, we have not changed our legal residence to Ga, but we have been here over 6 months.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 49
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