Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KingHit4Six (44888)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: We disagree on his Why
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone else experienced this?

After my WH went to IC a few times, he decided that his Why was because he was lonely and she made him feel good. I disagree and am flabbergasted by this. WH went to school for 8 years and I didn't get to see him much during that time but once he graduated we were living in one of the happiest times of our lives, spending lots of time together and enjoying each others' company. 3 months in to this 2nd honeymoon period of our marriage is when his LTA started. I also don't understand the "she made me feel good" thing. I was always complimenting him on how smart, capable, sexy, etc he was....The same things that she was saying to him....her words hit home, mine didn't. Why? Why could someone else fill the hole and not me?

I believe that his schooling broke him and created that hole in him, but he never revealed that to me (I am piecing this together on my own now after the LTA) but I think he still needs to figure out why he was open to someone else filling him up/boosting him up and not me.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've never agreed on the why and I don't think we ever will. I honestly think it's because he's selfish and didn't think he'd get caught. I think at the time she was worth the risk.

What do you mean by school breaking your husband?


Posts: 655 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SecondHelping just had a thread about this. His WW came up with "lonely" for the reason "why". (If I can find it, I'll bump it. It is called something like "After 18 months I have the why")

I believe feeling lonely can make one very vulnerable to having an affair. But, I don't feel that is the "why" they choose to have an affair when they felt lonely. Lonely was the feeling, the affair was the action. Two different things. Why didn't he chose one of the many other healthier options when feeling lonely? Why was having an affair the best choice when he was feeling lonely? That will be the real "why".

Why? Why could someone else fill the hole and not me?
Good question. I wonder that, too. The best explanation that made some sense to me was from unarmbears. She posted:
She stroked his ego and all he could see is the reflection back of his overwhelming awesomeness.
We are the already conquered, also. Some (WS & BS alike) feel we "have to" say those things, even if we don't really mean them. When it comes from a new source, it must be true, because they don't have to say that. The ones stroking the ego must have purely altruistic motives, too.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, loneliness is the beginning of the why. A good therapist would delve deeper and ask "why, when you felt lonely, did you think cheating in your marriage was a good solution?" He needs to go deeper.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1466 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, I don't think any WS can come up with a why that any BS will understand.

The big issue to me is, 'Does the WS's understanding of her why lead to making the necessary changes?'

The why is useless unless it leads to actions that support R by getting the fWS to change from cheater to good partner.

JMO, and YMMV.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10047 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, I don't think any WS can come up with a why that any BS will understand.

The big issue to me is, 'Does the WS's understanding of her why lead to making the necessary changes?'

The why is useless unless it leads to actions that support R by getting the fWS to change from cheater to good partner.

This. 1000 X This.

I have a compulsive need to understand why. To be able to label it and apply logic to it. Those are the moments that I am the most miserable.

The why is something that is so ingrained in who the WS is that it will never make sense to other people. Even if you can make sense of it it will never be satisfying.

No point in arguing with your WS. Only he knows what he was thinking. The question is can you accept his why or not?


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 475 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion: Whys, yes, but they are not deep enough. Keep asking why. Why, why, why. Peel the onion. Get down to the whys that are fundamentally wrong, repairable problems, incorrect beliefs, like self esteem, coping mechanisms, and sense of feeling bad. Go steps deeper and review abuse, abandonment, bullying, trauma, and significant events occurring between the ages of 7 to 17, items may have developed his incorrect views, beliefs, and coping mechanisms. Changing his beliefs can result in natural improved behavior rather than continuing to control himself. Its kinda like him learning to follow the speed limit because he knows/believes it's safe and the best thing for him, not because he's afraid of getting another speeding ticket.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 737 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I read this on here somewhere today... Keep asking why until there are no more whys left.

Gently, I think it will probably take more than just "a few times" of IC.

How did he respond to your disagreement? Hopefully he will realize he needs to dig more and do more to make you feel more comfortable with his progress.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the simplest but most overlooked "why" is immaturity. Marriage is an institution for big boys and girls, and some find its restraints difficult to manage except in the best of times. Especially if the are going through a life change crisis. But life always has its ups and downs no matter who you are.

No one can make someone else happy all of the time, it's simply impossible because real life always gets in the way. And that's the allure and unfair advantage the AP has (at least while the affair is active and secret) - he or she represents an escape from real life and all the bills, family issues, and job stresses that go with it. I've yet to see one post on this site describing how someone sat down with an AP to decide how they were going to pay this bill or that bill or whether they should get a second mortgage to pay for a child's college tuition and living expenses.

That yucky complicated stuff doesn't exist in Affairville. With APs it's always party time...otherwise, what's the point? Good luck competing with that.

It's funny how often these relationships implode once things get real and they are exposed. APs must seem a lot uglier under light of day (figuratively speaking).

Sorry if this turned into a t/j, but I'm convinced the "whys" are not as complicated as we sometimes try to make them. Words like immature, immoral, selfish, spoiled, entitled, impulsive, horny, gullible, etc. are not this age's terms du jour, but I think they still apply more often than not.



Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm convinced the "whys" are not as complicated as we sometimes try to make them. Words like immature, immoral, selfish, spoiled, entitled, impulsive, horny, gullible, etc. are not this age's terms du jour, but I think they still apply more often than not.

Sall, I agree. I would like to add "because I could" to the accurate & unpopular.

But, we as BS want better whys. We want something deep & fixable. We want to know there was this horrific childhood event that has made our WS betray us so terribly. Some hidden, agonized part that we can look to & say, "that is where it all went wrong & why this happened. This is the solution to fix it so I never have to worry about this thing happening again."

OK, maybe we don't want that exactly. But in searching for the deeper why, sometimes I think something like that would be the only answer that would satisfy us. And even then, is that enough of a reason to destroy your marriage, your family? Yeah...we probably wouldn't think that why was good enough either.

Initially, my pursuit of the why was to change whatever I did that caused him to do this. Then, I wanted to attack it. Understand it. I thought I even wanted to accept it. But now I just want to get past it, move on and get so far from that part of our lives that just maybe it is so distant that I could even nearly forget it.

So, although it is an important question & stage of healing, I am not sure we all ever truly get the answer we are looking for. I do think there are instances where someone can connect the dots & follow the path and provide an answer for every wrong choice--probably for very short term affairs. But more often than not, I think those who cheat ask themselves Why Not? instead--simply the immature & selfish person's thought process. When that is all you've asked yourself, I think it is very difficult to pinpoint a why, especially when there are probably multiple whys including the simple immoral and immature ones Sall listed.

My husband had a long term affair. I gave up asking why after about 15 months. It was obvious that I had to let go of the past & an answer I was never going to accept anyway. My question instead became, "Why won't you do this to me again?" And the answer isn't anything he can say. It is his actions, the way he is working to communicate with me, to repair the damage & the changes he has made. But somedays, I need to see it and still hear him tell me. The good thing is it is becoming less & less.

BTW, Part of WH's why was that neither one of us could effectively communicate with each other. We assumed we knew what the other was thinking. We didn't discuss difficult things. But that wasn't WHY he cheated because I didn't cheat. But it certainly contributed and made it easier for him when he was asking himself, "Why not?" As the A continued, substance abuse made all those bad choices easier.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2012
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a reply to the other 'why' thread that I feel like loneliness is a symptom, not a cause. Lots of people in marriage experience loneliness, not all cheat. There is still more digging to do. And yes, to answer your question I've experienced this as well. WS came home from IC and said his why was 'low self esteem'. I lost it over such a simplified answer. I mean yes, it's part of it no question but that he was willing to destroy his entire life just to hear that he was awesome from people who he would have never dated or wanted a real life with and he wasn't attracted to? Where's the risk vs reward in that? There are other things like his coping mechanisms, value system and even childhood learning of what 'love' is that lead to the why. I think sometimes the problem is the WS feels pressure to give the BS a why, and then it gets over simplified. My IC was very clear to me that I will never truly understand because I cannot think like he was in that state of mind at the time. And that is very true - searching for a why comes from a rational, logical place. Often As are not rational or logical, often the WS doesn't even understand 'why'.

IC also told WS once that there are brain processes that happen where people do not hear the compliments and ego boost from those around them, just as they compartmentalize the A itself, they can do the same with compliments from you or the AP. As you said, you could say it 1000x and it wouldn't sink in as much as when they did. I wasn't there for the conversation, but at the time what he explained to me made sense. Maybe part of that is the need to find validation from the outside world, and we're now part of their inner world so they see our love as sort of a 'given' or regardless of their flaws....ie we have to tell them how great they are because we're married to them. An AP is someone who has no responsibility to boost their ego, so when they do, they believe them more. Someone who is low self esteem seems drawn to this (at least in my case) regardless of who the compliment is coming from, in fact while I would think a younger more attractive person would be an ideal 'target' my WH explained that he chose insecure older women because they put him on a pedestal, felt he was a 'prize' and the younger ones wanted attention in return or they'd find someone else who was the same or better than WS. I would not however say they fill the hole...temporarily plug it up with ego boost or validation, superficial compliments? sure, but long term growth in self esteem from the words of an AP, haven't heard a case of that happening yet.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Mar 2014
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question instead became, "Why won't you do this to me again?"

Well put, manybrokenpieces. That really is the question going forward.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses!! I agree that he needs to look deeper and see why cheating was the best solution to feeling lonely. I showed WH this thread last night and said, "Keep peeling that onion". He snickered and said OK.

I also agree that no matter what he comes up with it may never fully satisfy me because his reason will probably be based on emotion and I am trying to apply logic to it.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like marriage history revision and a way to justify his selfish acts to himself. Pretty typical in the beginning actually until cheater digs deeper. I helped my fWH dig deeper by refusing to accept whys which were untrue.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:15 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.