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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm scared...
JML09
♀ Member
Member # 26809
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 5 years out. There have been minor slip ups but the first 3 years were great, I thought we were better. Now I guess not. For the last month he has checked out. He's cruel and sarcastic, just like he was prior to dday. He has said things in front of my kids like "Your mom wasn't a virgin when she was your age" Why say that other than to humiliate me. I swore that I would never live this way again and yet here I am. I'm afraid I don't have the courage to do what I need to. I'm afraid...of everything. I have a public service-type job and make very little money, which he constantly reminds me of, we are currently renting and I couldn't afford to stay but I can't afford another place on my own. I'm afraid of the hurt that's ahead of me and how horribly he will treat me. I'm afraid of the hurt my 3 daughters will feel. I'm afraid I will make this decision and regret it. I don't know what to do.


Why does everyone else have to convince me that he loves me?

Your actions have proven that your words mean nothing.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2009
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you are in this position.

I wish I could tell you that I have been in your position, but I can't. I can however, tell you that you will survive no matter what happens. I have had many of the same concerns regarding surviving and paying bills/mortgage/child costs/etc. by myself. I have restructured my budget to make sure I can afford the things that I need to and have found cheaper ways to live. Luckily I have had people step up and offer to help me in a variety of ways.

In regards to you possibly regretting a decision, just know that once you need to make a decision, you will know it. I was struggling for a few months with my decision and then in the matter of about one week, things came together. I made a decision, I feel good about it and I am moving forward.

I hope the same for you and just know we are all here for you as much as we can.

Take Care of yourself.


“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky

Posts: 640 | Registered: Dec 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, JML09. What does your IRL support look like? Friends, family, lawyers, counseling...

Maybe you can start to build yourself a safety net while you decide what you need to do. Take little steps. Find people who can help you if/when you decide you need to make the leap.

I get the same feeling that you do - that if you start to end it he will be even more thoughtless and cruel than he already is, but you can't stay with him because you're afraid of him. That's no life. Your kids see how he behaves and they know it's not ok. Nobody who gave a damn about the right thing will blame you, and it doesn't even matter what other people think anyway.

Keep posting - we're here for you. You CAN get out of this if you need to - like so many who have gone before you.

(((JML09)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16433 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is no way to live.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3179 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more scared I became the more I realized that D was the only real option for me.

I worked each week with a counselor to overcome my fear (until I lost my insurance).

Then I filed.

Guess what? None of what I feared happened (yet anyway).

I'm doing ok.

I am pregnant and due in June and still have to work out a place to live which occassionally freaks me out, thats like a month from now. But the way everything else has fallen into place and seemed to just "go" in my favor - I'm hopeful.

Really? I've faced homeless before, even with a baby (my son who is now 11).

I made it then. I'll make it again.

Hang in there.

Be afraid. Its ok. It isn't pleasant but its honest.

It is also motivating if you don't become the deer in the headlights.

Try finding the smallest fear first and see what you can do to face it, work past it, or set it aside. Then do the next smallest one. Pretty soon you'll be climbing giant walls of fear and laughing when you slide down the other side.

Its an incredible feeling to overcome it.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
JML09
♀ Member
Member # 26809
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I guess sometimes it just help to talk to people who are going through the same thing and to know I can come out of the other side of this.

I think the first step is counseling, I need strategies to help me face the reality of my situation. He treats me this way because I allow him to but I have no idea how to break the cycle.

[This message edited by JML09 at 3:00 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


Why does everyone else have to convince me that he loves me?

Your actions have proven that your words mean nothing.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2009
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your 'story' is the fear I had that prodded me to make the decision to D. I was fearful the cheating wouldn't stop (for very good reason) and knew I couldn't take going through one more D-Day, one more lie. I've lost my home, I've lost my lifestyle, I've moved half way across the country…. but I no longer have a cheating, lying husband in my life. The lack of his daily drama alone is a relief. I'm sad that 35 yrs together, 35 yrs of love and family, went down the drain but I'm relieved to no longer have to live his nightmare. We get through it, somehow. You may be surprised at the people who will come to your aid when the truth gets out. I was. Friends I didn't know I had were there for me. My location has changed but my life is no longer the mess it became with him. You can't save your M by yourself. There comes a time when you have to bail in order to save yourself. (((( ))))


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 435 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JML - We all understand, honey. Believe me. We get it. ((((hugs))))

I'm bumping a thread for you about fear vs reality. No magic answers there, but I think it's a very helpful read.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24436 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 8

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