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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two weeks in, mood swings & a very defensive WW
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I do know is you will see her real feelings toward you if and when you kick her out.

Expect anger and bitterness. Lies, marital rewrite, blame and even claims of abuse.


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 737 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wants the OM, the house, the son. She wants you to give it to her becuase she is entitled to it all.

You can go and live under a bridge, for all she cares. As long as you keep paying for the house and the child.

Yep, the classic Cake Eating WW. Your enabling her to have all she wants. You need to cut her ass off and declare your value. she is entitled to screw anyone she wants, nut she is not entitled to a husband and her bills payed at the same time.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
saveus
♂ Member
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sick... How do I protect myself from losing everything???? I think I need some more legal advice. Thanks to family businesses failing my finances are basically non-existent right now. If the house is sold in a D the equity might just cover our debts (it shames me to admit). Alternatively of course, the OM could sweep in on a white horse with a wad of cash (if I am inclined to believe he's as well off as my WW clearly thinks he is). Why do I see everything I thought was mine being taken away, when I've done NOTHING WRONG???????????????????????


Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pm sent


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 737 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing how my WW having sex with other men doesn't make me feel inadequate yet the way I've been dealing with the aftermath does!!!
You have no reason to feel low or inadequate, there is nothing wrong with you at all, it is her that there is something terribly wrong.

So, if I understand you correctly, she wants to talk about YOU tonight. No, no, no, remember this is not about you in any way, shape or form. This is all about HER.

If you and her talk at all, the nano second she tries and turn it around on you, you calmly tell her no, we are not talking about me, we are talking about you and your current boyfriend and how this will be resolved.

I am sorry to say, but your wife is showing no signs of guilt or even believes she is doing anything wrong. I dont think she has a guilty bone in her body right now.

This is far beyond any fog of an affair. Unless I am wrong, she is blatantly having this affair in front of you.

What exactly does she say to you about this. Has she told you the affair is over?
Has she told you she has seen or talked to the OM?

Or are you getting all of this from her text or emails?

Let her go alone today, and then catch them in the act, take a picture. Though I dont know what good it would do if she is openly telling you what she is doing.

If she is denying anything is going on, than catch her in the act and at least the pretense and lies will be over and done with.


Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to sugar coat it - It's a sad fact that men tend to get ass fucked during divorce.

But play the cards you have.

Getting her out of the house and claiming 'primary carer' of your child is the first thing.

I might have got her out of my house but I totally failed when it came to the children. I believed my WW when she said she would never use the children as weapons against me. How wrong was I to believe a proven liar!

If I were to have a do-over I would have taken 'ownership' of the children.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you had cheated she would be kicking you out of the house and keeping your son. Think in those terms



You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 737 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I see everything I thought was mine being taken away, when I've done NOTHING WRONG???????????????????????

Simple answer - because your wife is an asshole. Start understanding that and allow the anger to set in. It just might save your marriage.

Allatsea suggests putting a lock on the bedroom door. Hmmm... have you heard that somewhere before? Throw her stuff out of the house and let her file with a court to get back in. Take her phone out of her hand and smash it with a hammer. She uses it to text the POS - let her find some money and go buy a new one. Then smash that one, too. She is actively cheating on you - stop making things nice for her!

Is it going to be pleasant for your son? No. There are some things in life we just can't protect our kids from. But you know what??? Listen closely....

Your son will know that you stood up for yourself and refused to allow his shithead mom to step all over him.

He's not going to understand that now. But eventually, when he's a bit older, you and he will have a talk and you will explain what it is she did. And why you did what YOU did.

And, in the meantime, USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!

"Hey wife, you don't want to get the hell out of my bedroom? Fine. I'm going to go.... right now.... and tell your son that his mom is leaving him." The start the trek down the hall and, if necessary, do it! You don't need to tell him everything - but let her understand the repercussions of what she is doing. Let her sweat a bit. Let her see that she is going to have to look her kid in the eye and say, "I cheated on your dad."

She's going to get pissed, of course. Be ready. Let her know that you're treating her like shit because you didn't sign up for a threesome in your marriage. Since she doesn't want to be married anymore, you don't owe it to her to be nice. AND YOU DON'T.

I'm sorry - as I've said in past posts - I have a ton of sympathy for the BS. But I begin to lose sympathy for people who refuse to stand up for themselves, for people who do not see that they are worthy of respect.

You NEED to slam the door on your wife's fantasy. You NEED to make the affair hard for her. You NEED to gain your own respect back.

Take a look at thread's of others here who have not taken a stand for themselves. They are long and ugly. Don't let that be you.

You can do it.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are struggling because you have not enforced a single consequence.

Yes you have given her the choice, if you want to go, go but don't come back....That's not a consequence that's a choice.

A consequence is This shit ends NOW, or I file, and Blow this wide open to the rest of the world. His employer will know, his family, his kids. (GO BIG when you tell her this.) Demand that you will NOT allow her have the comforts of home, and have a boyfriend. Then add that lock to the Master bedroom, or add a lock to the house, and don't let her back in for a few days.

YOU have to stand your ground. If you don't, and continue to engage her, and not detach you will be sucked in again and again and again. Talk to Abandondad about how bad that feels and how quickly it will suck your soul.

Things are going to have to get very uncomfortable for her to even begin to consider making a serious decision.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check your pm inbox saveus


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take her phone out of her hand and smash it with a hammer. She uses it to text the POS - let her find some money and go buy a new one. Then smash that one, too. She is actively cheating on you - stop making things nice for her!
I would not break anything. If the cops there are like they are here, they will probably throw you in jail for domestic violence. And yes, I have seen guys thrown in jail just because they hit the wall and put a hole in the wall or door.

But you DO have to stop making things nice for her. Make the affair as hellish as possible. Do you pay any of her bills, if so, stop right now.

Did you take all of your money out of the joint account yet?

In a mental sense, she is not married to you anymore. And that is hard to get over. But in reality it is true.

She has her own mind and you cannot read it, you cannot change it. Only she can change her mind and at this point, I dont think you can do or say anything to change her mind. She has to be willing to change on her own.

Your wife doesn't even see what she is doing as an affair. She sees nothing wrong at all in what she is doing.

And the fact that she refuses any type of counciling is not a great sign either. Really shows that she thinks she is doing nothing wrong.

So realize, you cannot change her. Just do not let her goad you into a fight or tipping your hand.


Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus to protect you from a false DV charge please carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times when dealing with her.
Protect yourself.
If you feel like it put the om on cheaterville and pm us the link.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i totally agree.

you can do anything you want at any time. its YOUR call when you do things.

however, on her you need to keep some serious pressure. its all or nothing. now or never. its shit or get off the pot. all of those plus some.

as i said before the longer this cake eating goes on the worse your chances of ever snapping her out of the fog.

her affair needs to end NOW or you wont accept it and there will be consequences for her decisions. you dont need to spell them out. push her off the fence.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 582 | Registered: Jan 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I protect myself from losing everything?
You might be gaining more than you realize through all of this, you never know.

Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn.

I believe you are driving yourself insane because you believe you have no control. You need to take full control of the situation.

Financial worries can really wear a person down without having to deal with any of this.

I think in your case, knowledge will help you feel better. Talk to your lawyer about everything on your mind. Get all of your questions answered. Talk to your parents and her parents about everything that is going on.

I think that you need to take charge of this situation and probably just go and file for the D. You have been trying to change her and wait this out and it is only going to drag on. Your wife seems to enjoy dragging you through this.

Put a stop to it now.

This is odd, but during my fww A and the financial hell that caused, I used to think about others who's lives were worse off than mine. It sort of eased the worry and brought things into perspective for me.


Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I see everything I thought was mine being taken away, when I've done NOTHING WRONG?

Take a step back and look at the big picture. Life is rarely all or nothing.

Thanks to family businesses failing my finances are basically non-existent right now. If the house is sold in a D the equity might just cover our debts.

*Finances need to be sorted REGARDLESS of whether you stay married or divorce. The house may need to be sold for a less expensive place to live REGARDLESS.
*Your son will always be your son; you will always be his father. The only questions is whether he can see his parents modeling mutual trust and mutual respect for one another.

The only thing you may lose -- and dare I say have already lost -- is your WW. You have no control of your wife's actions, and never did, as witnessed by her ongoing connection to the OM.

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Her

Only one question you need to focus on this week:
"Will _____ help me detach from WW?"

For example:

3 hours' sleep. I was walking the streets from 12.40-2.15.

"Will moving out of the marital bed help me detach from WW?" Yes. I'll be able to sleep more soundly and not be conflicted by sexual urges.

"Will going to kids club this afternoon and seeing OM help me detach from WW?" No. It ramps up the emotion and drama. My time and energy would be better spent on quality time bonding with DS5.

[This message edited by IWantDoOver at 12:37 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I see everything I thought was mine being taken away, when I've done NOTHING WRONG???????????????????????

We've all been there, but this is not a healthy perspective.

Yes, you did something wrong... you married the wrong woman. So did I. So did so many of us. Must have been a warning sign or two we all missed.

Sadly, there's no manual to read for choosing women (or men). I've written a post-divorce dating handbook, but it doesn't have any concrete answers.

It's really, really hard to accept that our lives are forever changed by this decision. We've more-or-less happily moved through life for years oblivious to the ramifications of our horrible decision-making.

So you're sitting there at the bottom of the well right now... you feel your marriage is in limbo when it has probably been completely over for at least a year now.

Getting through this begins when you start looking at how to reinvent yourself. Everything has been taken away, now you have to take a new life for you and your son. One without this woman.

If you're not getting answers from your new solicitor, find another one and have an introductory session. When I had my first meeting with my lawyer, I was left feeling my legal bases were covered - that my ex wouldn't get everything she wanted.

In reality, divorce is never a perfect scenario. We do lose things. We do have to revise our expectations. You won't be completely happy with the result.

My ex cleaned out our bank account. That was scary and upsetting, but we wound up with a settlement that accounted for this behavior. In fact, it helped, because when we reported this to her lawyer, her lawyer responded with a "she'll put it back right away." But my ex wouldn't. That made negotiations very, very difficult for her lawyer, because she knew that wouldn't look good if we did go to trial. I didn't scorch the earth by cutting off credit cards or putting her stuff in bags and setting it out on the porch because that's the kind of thing that, if you do need to go to court for something, looks really bad to a judge. Judges always focus on what's best for the children.

I think you need to take steps to separate the OM from your son. Your wife and the OM have some sort of narrative they're creating - you saw some of that the other day. No more clubs. Make other child-care arrangements if you can. And definitely report this to the directors of any of these clubs/organizations while you're doing this. They need to know what's going on.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW is probably already ahead of the game. You have had sound advice so far. Please take heed. The only way to not lose everything is to put yourself and your son first. Your WW is gone. Long gone. I can only reiterate what has been said before. Gather your strength, gather your resources, gather your army. The woman you married is NOT the woman residing in your house. She looks like her, talks like her, acts like her (from time to time) but it’s not her.

She wants the OM, the house, the son. She wants you to give it to her becuase she is entitled to it all.
She is playing a game that she intends to win. She wants it all and she is going to get it unless you do something. That is the only way to NOT lose it all. Get this out in the open. Do your finances. Act as if you are getting divorced.

We keep telling you, saveus. Get your feet out of the peaty bog and move. We keep telling you that anything you do can be stopped at any time. Hell, people divorce and get remarried for Chrissake. Yes, you will lose a shedload of money. Yes, you will suffer sleepless nights and anxiety. Yes, your son will wonder what is going on. But you need to take back some control. Ask your solicitor all the “what if” scenarios. Do your homework. STOP enabling this affair.

Stop panicking. Breathe. Think. Act. Write it down if it helps. But DO SOMETHING.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:15 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3475 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here with you saveus. You have excellent advice here. Since I can't add anything that I, or everyone else here, hasn't already said. She's not in your marriage. Take action. We'll continue to be here.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus,

A few pages back, you mentioned this:

I clearly am a glutton for punishment (I hear you, mike7) but everyone has a different breaking point.

It is our concern that you do not hit that breaking point. If you reach that point under the wrong circumstances, it could be devastating to you.

Just keep promising yourself that you will leave this infidelity behind BEFORE you hit that breaking point.

Good luck, friend. We are concerned for you.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2114 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling/thinking that you may have laid some harsh law on your WW Saveus.

Thinking of you mate, you can do this. You're a man of high moral fibre, and you don't need to settle for the crumbs off your wife's emotional table anymore.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you/things today saveus?. Hoping you've caught up with some sleep, too as hard as it is.


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
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