(((saveus + son)))
That text... her instinct is cake-eating to the bitter end. I hate that. She's not sorry at all, or she would behave in a very different manner.
I remember my son, who was 5 when this all went down, coming up to me a few times saying he was unhappy because his mother wouldn't talk to him and just wanted to spend all her time on her computer talking to the OM. He had no idea what it meant, and still doesn't. But these women are in a different world when they take this course of action.
It is her loss.
Document that she is quite happy to leave for the pos and leave your son in your care incase her and OM try any funny business down the road with him, to "punish" you further.
Remember what AAS said to you a few posts back.
I could see when you mentioned about your trip away and her attitude towards you telling you she'll end up going, it showed so much how little she thinks of you or respects you. I'm sorry.
You're right to take strength from your son, it was my kids that kept me going. I had booked a short break away to butlins for us all before I knew he was cheating (although was staring to wonder did not have proof) before DDay, and it was booked for the end of April. DDay for me was the beginning of April,and I was such a mess just a few weeks out I thought about cancelling the trip. Then I thought-no fuck it-fuck him and his whores I'm not going to let this/him/them put the kibosh on the trip I'd booked. I wasn't going to let the kids down, His loss!. I went to butlins anyway and you know it was a great thing to do.....for me to get away from the area and be somewhere else with other things to look at /do etc, I also had the food thing so didn't have to do breakfast or tea, just think about lunch, and not cooking for those 4days was such a relief. I forced myself to eat some food cos I didn't have to bother preparing it, so do make sure just the two of you go, I can guarantee that down the road you'll look back on your little trip away and feel immensely proud of yourself for still doing it for your son. I still look at the photos now a few years on and think nice, I did that in the midst of being blindsided, and fucked over, and thought nah, fuck you. My kids still speak very fondly of that time, we drove past there just last week, and they were full of it. WS goes all quiet when they talk about it, knowing he was not a part of that.
No discussions with her, just go. Fuck her, fuck him, fuck them, leave them. to it. I promise you it will help you ALOT, to still go. Please please go.
As for her so sorry text, such bullshit. She's not sorry at all.
I know what you're going through so well as so many of us do, you will do this saveus, and come through this.
It is her loss.
[This message edited by mountainmomma at 3:49 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]
Fuck her and him, she can see your son when you return. You're not keeping him from her.
I too, had the thought of my WS coming to where we/I lived with the kids whilst I was away so I had the locks changed before going and have all important paperwork to someone who I trusted so he had no access to anything whilst I was away. Simple solution there. He did try to gain access but couldn't get in!. Even if he'd kicked the door in there was nothing there for him to find. You've got a few days to go before the trip right? Use that time to get things sorted. With the lack of sleep you're having it will give you something to focus on and like I said you'll definitely be glad you still went
It's nice that your mil is being kind at the moment but remember blood I'd thicker than water, be wary.
Sending g you strength and thinking of you and your little one loads you've got loads of us here doing that
You can do this
In light MM
[This message edited by mountainmomma at 4:11 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]
Right now you need to make sure your son stays at home and your WW has zero chance of taking him.
I would recommend seeing a solicitor ASAP and get a court order to ensure he's not to be removed from your home.
My offer still stands mate, if you need someone to speak to over a beer I'm here. I'll happily meet you half way.
Thinking of you and your son, its a dreadful position to be in and all because you WW could not be a good mother, parent, wife, partner and decided to pick the POS over her family.
Now that you know the truth, you can deal with the fallout. It's forward motion, which somehow feels marginally better that sitting in limbo or doing the "pick me" dance.
(((saveus + DS5)))
My worry about the trip away is my WW will take our DS to the OM's and prevent me from taking him. If she was thinking clearly, she'd see that our boy should be in his own bed and own home, at least for the time being. But she's not. Also, I can't lock my WW out while I am away. Not that I am thinking clearly about what damage she could do/what she could take while I am gone.
Look, both pappa bear and momma bear have likely gone into "protect baby bear" mode. If WW is not thinking rationally (and how could she be? she just walked away from her M) then fighting over vacation time subconsiously becomes the emotional equivalent of the forthcoming custody battle. And fearing she's clearing out the marital home in your absence doesn't bode well for time away. Save your energy and negotiation strategy for D mediation.
If this is a confusing time for DS5, then having both parents close by may help ease the transition. There will be other opportunities for vacation.
(she might have one problem though - the booking including a car ferry with my car registration is in my name).
Don't give WW the satisfaction of contacting authorities "claiming" your abducting your son out of the country!
This question will help you focus if your mind starts spinning:
"Will _____ help me detach from WW?"
RSN, how did you explain what had happened to your son? My boy is 5 now too and this is my biggest fear - having to tell him mummy & daddy aren't going to live together any more. It's breaking my heart. I hope my WW and I can sit down and do this together, like adults, but what on earth do you say??? He's very bright, very sensitive, very sweet natured and self-confident. I am so fearful of the effect this will have on him.
You know 5-year-olds. They worry about change, but they have no idea about male/female relationships. Mine's 11 now, and he still doesn't know (I've told him that will change fairly soon, and he thinks that's funny - probably doesn't believe a word of it).
My ex wanted the perfect divorce. Read a lot about it, probably imagined herself wearing white to the final divorce hearing, maybe a divorce-maid or two with her. So she insisted we find a child psychologist to break the news for us. My son is very outgoing and he enjoyed the attention of having this psychologist talk with him. Probably wasn't necessary at all.
Afterward, I explained that we were getting a divorce. Which required explaining what a marriage was in the first place. It seemed pointless to talk about the reason for the divorce, since that requires an understanding about male-female relationships.
Since he primarily lives with his mother about 45 minutes away (I saw him every week, and still do), I told him that I didn't want the divorce, because I worried that he would feel abandoned by me. But that two people have to both want to be married to maintain a marriage. I think he needed to hear that.
About a year later, after the divorce was final, he started asking about the whys and the possibility that we would get back together. I told him he was too young to understand the whys and that there really was no chance at all that either one of us would be open to getting back together (by then, she was engaged to the OM).
He asked when he'd be old enough to understand. I told him "12". At this point, though, while I think there's a possibility he remembers this and will bring it up again, I doubt I will tell him much. Maybe when he's entering adulthood and if he asks the right questions. But burdening him with affair details even now is not fair to him.
What was important at 5? Letting him know he's loved and that none of this has anything to do with him - it's just mommy and daddy don't get along any more and it can't be fixed. We did a good job not fighting in front of him, or having loud arguments while he was trying to sleep in the next room. We don't talk negatively about each other to him. I think we both want him to have a positive relationship with both of us.
Kids that age are remarkably resilient if they're not burdened with something. It's just life to them. If you asked my son now if there was anything unusual about moving away from dad at age 5 and then developing a relationship with some stranger over Skype who became his stepdad, he'd just shrug his shoulders. Because that's his reality. If you don't tell him it's harmful and bizarre, it won't be to him.
It's not a big deal to him unless you make it a big deal to him. Because the emotions contained in a marriage connection just don't compute to small children.
If she does try to claim your skipping the country with your son, can you photocopy the original tickets or booking to prove that it was for the 3 of you?. If so then that will put shut to her rubbish, should she try anything like that. You are right to keep your son where he is familiar at home for the majority, a few days away having fun and a break will do him and you the world of good I think. If she was to try this crap it won't do her any favours long term.
If you're in any doubt speak to your solicitor on monday morning, perhaps even get her to write something to say the same (that you've no intentions of skipping the country!
Document it all. The date the time she left her reasons she stated. Call your solicitor first thing Monday. Tell the
She threatened to take your son. File for emergency use of the home and limited time with your son. These two clowns, this pod person who was your wife and the man she is with have already shown they are not going to fight fair and while you want to act with dignity you also have to protect you and your son. Strike first .
You will survive this. You will be stronger and smarter for it.
As far as any trip goes I'd defer it for now. Unless you can get a judge to give you an all clear. Otherwise it's gonna bite you on the ass.
Keep reading. Keep posting. We got your back.
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
please listen to what I'm about to say.
You need to lawyer up. You need to assume she is the enemy now.
I'm afraid you will assume that she won't try to get everything she can out of you and also custody of your son. I'm afraid you will remember that you were once in love and she wouldn't lie about you to get her way. It's possible it will be amicable. But I think it is extremely likely given the complete lack of respect she has for you that she expects you to roll over. Remember the texts from the OM? How she will put her head on his chest and he will love your son? She is planning on replacing you.
Don't let your emotions run you anymore.
Please, please, it is time to fight.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
^^^ this is a very powerful truth. In replacing you with OM she wants you to disappear completely except for a monthly stipend. Anything short of this will be a thorn in her side. By replacing you, she can pretend that you never existed and thus she sill never have to be inconvenienced by truth, guilt, having to work more, etc.
You need to assume she is the enemy now.
No, brother, she IS the enemy now. Everything, and I do mean everything needs to be documented. Get a VAR. She can and will use everything at her disposal to *win*. You are the ONLY thing standing between her and her fantasy. She will do whatever it takes to make you disappear.
Right now, you have an advantage. She left, and left your son? Right there, she is implicitly stating that you are a *good* parent. Use that. Get to a solicitor TODAY! She has abandoned her son and left you in charge. Have your solicitor ask to make that permanent.
I'm so sorry
I've looked up where the OM lives (it was in one of my WW's texts). I feel the need to know if she IS there. My dear Dad came round to see me last night after 10, to check on me. I spoke to my Mum after he left and she offered to drive round to the OM's (a few minutes from where they live) to see if my WW's car was there. I said not to, as I felt stronger and didn't think it would do me much good, especially overnight.
I know. Ridiculous. I have to assume she is there with him. But when she left it was like she was using the threat of going to get out of me how exactly I've been able to see her latest messages/emails (she doesn't know which). And to see if I would do as I said a long time ago, and not stand in her way (I didn't - I even opened the door for her).
First she let me assume she was going to her AP's (obviously I would) then said she wasn't going there but to a friend's (I know which one). Then, when I said if she was leaving me there was no reason on earth I should tell her how I've managed to snoop, she announced she may go to the OM's later. Now, this doesn't make a lot of sense (though clearly I can't tell the truth from the lies - and neither can she) as this particular friend has been suspecting something and fishing for information for a long while. I am pretty certain my WW wouldn't have told her anything as she's not that close a friend plus we know her from the same club as the OM - she's a gossip and it would go round like wildfire. So, IF she was going to hers first (the pretence was we were having marriage problems and she could sleep there), how would she explain where she was off to next?? Back home maybe?
Anything's possible, and of course if this was just a sick, twisted, CRUEL game my WW was playing with me then I would have to seriously ask myself if this is someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. As if I wasn't already.
And, I admit it, I'm clutching at straws, even now unable to imagine a life without her. But trust me, I'll be strong, as I was last night, and I'll see my solicitor first thing Monday morning.
One last thing, my WW text me at 11pm last night: 'Please let me know you are ok x'