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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two weeks in, mood swings & a very defensive WW
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect going to the Club, even for the professed reason of the child, is akin to seeking out a known trigger. Note that I said, but you failed to quote, the rest of my paragraph...that IMHO the club is toxic . And I still think it is.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might have been below the belt but it wasn't far off the mark.

The boy is FIVE. There are times that he isn't going to be able to get what he wants.

In this case, if the boy doesn't get to the club (or to the fair with his mom) he isn't going to keel over. There are thousand of other places to go where a five year old would be very happy.

Most importantly, there is NO WAY that I would bring my children to a place where I know there is a likelihood of having direct contact with the POS OM. Why any BS would ever knowingly have their child interact with his wife's affair partner is beyond me.

I know you love your son but there are times to say no. This is one of them.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd keep snooping a little. Not to wallow in what seems like an exit affair, but to know what she knows and is communicating about this.

I had a lot of access myself, especially at first (darned gmail with its unerasable last access information). Knowing what she was planning was invaluable when it came to decisions my lawyer presented. I knew where I would have to fight and where I wouldn't.

From what you say, I think your wife is enjoying the drama. Testing to see how far she can push you and still keep you begging her to stay.

Again, I would urge you to use a VAR when around her, though, at this point, there's absolutely no reason to talk to her at all. She has moved out. She can make arrangements through text or email to visit your son from time to time.

Oh, and here's another vote for no more club visits. Your son is far more resilient than you think. You're going to need to explain to him that your wife has moved out, anyway. There's going to be a lot of change in his life, and he'll handle it better than you think if it's presented properly.

[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 3:55 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schadenfreude - what was below the mark was the comment about playing with neighbours children. The tone was unkind.

Going to the club is a different issue because of OM.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was suggested as an alternative to the club..

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Saveus - How are you holding up friend?
Disregard the back and forth of other members.

You will never go wrong by putting you and your childs needs first and foremost. Protect that, and the rest will eventually fall into place.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have to agree. going to the club is a mistake. its OM territory. its one thing to go on your own. its another to bring your son into it too. yeah, hes going to be upset that he doesnt get to go. i get that. im a parent. i know what its like to love your kid(s). but ultimately ... bringing him there is a massive mistake. find somewhere else to go, something else to do. do it with just you and him. let the WW figure it out when shes sitting there at the club waiting for you with OM and you all dont show up. dont even bother replying to her texts - she lost her right to offer input when she left the house.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 582 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also agree with diverting your son to an alternative activity or location of activity.

I had to deal with this in my own situation. My STBXW was using our boy's activities to setup rendezvous with the OM because his own sons played the same sports. This was their cover to communicate before I knew what the hell was going on. After Dday, she continued to coordinate the kids activities with the OM, all in the guise of "boys best interest", yet the boys didn't want to participate in some of those activities. Also, my STBXW was trying to set the stage for the "pick me" dance between OM and I at these activities. Keep that in mind as well as to what is happening at your son's club meets. It is highly manipulative self-serving behavior. Ignore it and do what's right and decide what's right for your son's best interest AND protection.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Save us

Positive sign is you said you know what you have to do. Then do it!!!! Forget the 180 stuff, it only works if she wants to change. How you can continue to let her just come and go as she pleases to be with the other man is guy wrenching to read.
She refuses NC, so why MC. She will either lie in there or disregard what she says.
The other guy just wants to get laid and you are making it away for him. And her. Over 100 posts and you are still trying to nice her back.
Save us. Get mad!!! Get mad as he'll!!! Stop being victim and start dishing out the punishment. Until you do that you will never stop the torture you are getting


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing today saveus? Have you made your appt with the CAB?

Check in and let us know you're okay.

UKg


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3475 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, I've been following your story. I'm so sorry for what your WW is putting you through. You don't deserve any of this.

I have to say, I totally agree with William. Yes, your son will be disappointed for a bit, but he's 5 and will get over it. I teach 5 year olds, and their attention span is limited, lol. If you take him to do something else in place of the club, he will be ok.
Is it fair that your son should have to give something up? No. But, that's the reality. Exposing him to OM is never going to be a good idea.
You said yourself that the club will most likely be closed, soon. I would find an alternative, now.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Saveus, can you let us know you are ok?
You don't have to update if you aren't up to it, but please just check in.
((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though i Didn't post I followed your thread from the begging but I never posted because I cant take the disrespect your wife shown to you lightly and cannot post something without a 2x4.

You got a lot of good advice but in your entire post you repeated the same thing over and over That is I know I shouldn't have but I let my gurd down, or I texted her or said I love you, or I let her do this and that but I know its wrong..... It goes on like that.......

You never learned the basic lesson of infidelity that there is only three options after your spouse cheat on you1.Divorce 2.Reconciliation 3.Living the life of a cuckold or doormat and enabling the A to continue.

continuing her A right under your nose after dday is a different animal than cheating before Dday. She is continuing her fuck fest with OM even after Dday shows how much she values your ability to act, she knows you will take her back the day she comes back to you. We know you too want the same.
She knows the 180 you are trying to implement is a joke, you validated it by slipping every time she text to you some thing... literally you took every bait she put. I can assure you one thing she is not going any ware she will come back to you but its not because of any love for you but its only because you are a safe person to keep on her side.

You are now enabling her A by not taking a firm stand or decision. Do you know how excited she may be by having her OM on her side and you on the other side, a cheater getting more attention and she becoming a prize to win by two men.She have this confidence that is the reason she told you she slept with OM and didn't have sex

If you don't respect yourself no one is going to respect you.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
saveus
♂ Member
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in. I'm OK, don't worry about me. Will be back soon.


Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, that is good to hear. Just stay strong, no matter what.

Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you are doing ok Saveus.

Sending you strength


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Dec 2012
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't heard from you in a while, saveus. I am praying that you are okay and your situation has not deteriorated.


BH(me)63; WW 57; M 37 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't [my name]! This really isn't helpful. Please look after yourself! X'

saveus

You do realize that your wife gave you permission to divorce her.

Read what you posted above. Those are her words.

Her words also confirm she has been having sex with him.

Now is the time to secure your finances, see a solicitor and focus on only you and your boy.

Leave her to Romeo.

Time is your ally. Use it well.

HM


Posts: 966 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
saveus
♂ Member
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I'm back. Sorry for not updating in a week or so. Before I tell you the latest (I've got my hard hat on already), let me quickly address a couple of points (to the main protagonists but I'm well aware the people named below aren't the only ones questioning my motives re my DS's club).

@craig2001:

What do you mean your MIL is being standoffish? I sort of thought she was being nice to you?
I just meant I've noticed her texts (the few times I have contacted her) have become shorter and a bit vague/non-committal. The last few kind of didn't say anything at all. I've had no contact with her since I made that comment but that's not to say there's a problem necessarily - she's left us in peace since week 1.

@UKgirl / @tushnurse: On the same subject, you could well be right that my WW has been complaining to her mum. I'm very well aware of this.

@LifeisCrazy:

Why, exactly, would you do THAT [take our DS to the fair last Monday]? Because you promised him?
Er... exactly.

@Schadenfreude:

...you seem to spend substantial time playing chauffeur to your 5 year old son
I know you mean well but I very nearly treated this with the contempt it deserved (you're right, tushnurse, I should really ignore the back and forth of other members)... I'm his DAD and TOO DAMN RIGHT I play 'chauffeur' to my DS. He is the most wonderful, loving, sensitive, caring, sharing, unselfish, unspoilt little boy in the world (OK, I'm biased and, like all kids, he has his moments) and I'd drive him to the end of the earth if I thought it was best for him. He doesn't demand a THING, least of all this club some of you seem fixated on. Our son's school is also a 30 minute drive away (we put him in a lovely, TINY, state school in beautiful countryside outside our town rather than the horrible place he'd have ended up in nearer home) but I suppose I could let him walk... Honestly, I don't know what your point is. Oh yeah, about my
seeking out a known trigger
by taking our DS to his club. Yeah, right. Shows me you haven't read this whole thread very carefully. My son is not going to miss out. End of story. It's not a youth club or a junior disco or something like that, it's a sporting activity he LOVES, that came 100% from him (neither my WW nor I have any history in it) when he was about 2-and-a-half. He absolutely loves it and they aren't exactly ten-a-penny (i.e. commonplace).

That said, I haven't exactly dealt with the club/OM problem, granted.

@LifeisCrazy: Ditto what I said above. My DS doesn't EVER demand to go to his club (actually, clubs - Tuesday is somewhere else). So, you wouldn't take YOUR children

to a place where I know there is a likelihood of having direct contact with the POS OM
Well, with all due respect, bully for you. I'm obviously not half the dad I KNOW I am. I mean, seriously. My wife has the legal right to take my son to the OM's house. I mean, they might live happily ever after (yeah, right). OK, I shouldn't be facilitating that but legally I cannot STOP my DS from being in contact with the OM, much as I might like to.

Listen everyone, I've been away and I'm back, all guns blazing. I know you all mean well and care about my situation, but I'm not going to sit here and take criticism when I feel it is unfair or just plain wrong. I'm going to get my own 2x4s out...

Thanks, by the way, CantSeeInTheDark


Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi saveus – relieved to see you are back and surviving at least.

How did the bank holiday weekend go for you? What are the arrangements for this half term? What is the current situation between you/WW/OM? Have you seen the CAB/family law solicitor?

Do you have a plan of action or are you in “wait and see” mode?

Whatever your situation, please tell me that you have separated your finances and removed your WW’s name from as many accounts as possible. It’s all precautionary and can be cancelled or changed at any time. On the flip side, it it’s impossible do some things retrospectively and you may wish you had taken action on some aspects before the opportunity closed.

Have some time out from this crap and have fun with your DS this holiday.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3475 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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