Also, there is a huge difference between rushing into drastic measures(divorce) versus rushing to make sound decisions in the midst of infidelity. Not accepting her poor behavior is not rushing. TALKING to a solicitor...to learn your rights...is not rushing. Doing a hard 180 is not rushing.
These are all immediate steps that you can take that will hasten your recovery...with or without your wife.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I am devastated yet again but I'm glad - in a sick kind of way - to have finally got to the truth.
I have been crying inconsolably upstairs for the last little while whilst trying to protect my son (who has scarlet fever right now), who's been amusing himself downstairs.
All the while I want to show my wife my strength... When it's all gone this morning.
If now isn't the time for D, I don't know when is. But I'm fearful of deciding anything in my current state. And, frankly, I have no concept of how this could work. My WW knows I would never allow this to affect my boy and that I have more flexibility at work (as I have my own business). We have a family meal tonight. She already announced she wasn't going. I feel exactly the same but at the same time, think maybe I HAVE TO pull myself together and go on my own. But I'm a wreck.
Next steps... Legal advice and counselling for you. It's sucks. But you must take care of you so you can take care of your DS that you so clearly treasure.
DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014
Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little
My WW broke down when I did earlier and I saw that glimmer of guilt/regret/remorse, but I don't know what it means...
She's 'threatened' (in a non-threatening way) to go several times this morning, and to come back in the morning as our son is sick.
I don't have a clue what it is I want.
How could we separate and still protect our son??? I see no way out.
1) Eat healthy - force yourself if you must, but eat right now
2) See a doctor - talk to the doctor about getting on an SSRI (which takes about 5-6 weeks to kick in) and a more short-term anxiety medication to get you to the 5-6 week mark (just don't overdo it, those things are addictive)
3) Get into IC immediately
4) Exercise daily - at least 30 minutes
5) Connect with friends and family - let them know what is going on in your life and lean on them for now
6) Go completely 180 with your wife - do not talk to her about anything except finances and child arrangements
7) Seek spiritual guidance. A huge part of this difficulty is not being able to control some of the things that we would like to control. When we relinquish the control to a higher power, we can begin to better accept our life circumstances
8) When any of these steps seem overwhelming, break it down into smaller steps and take the first step.
Please know that right now suicidal thoughts are normal. If those thoughts turn into serious urges or making plans to do so, google the number to a local suicide hotline or go to your nearest emergency room.
I'm 38, married for 7 years to a wonderful woman
Sorry, I haven't read all the replies, but needed to comment on this. Wonderful people don't have affairs. On that I agree with Frank Pittman (who is very worth reading). With that statement, I don't wish to denigrate any folks in Wayward, but it is their 'former' status and work towards that is wonderful, IMO.
Edited to add, I have just seen the posts above and am very sorry to hear how wretched you feel. Please know we have all been there and it does pass. Look forward to that, this is not forever. I disagree that SSRIs are the answer. They do help some, but a pill cannot be taken for all life's sadnesses, and so SSRIs are for clinical depression, IMO. But see your doctor and assess together whether they might help you, and take the edge of your wretchedness.
Why not in first instance, seek some counselling? That would be very helpful, providing your counsellor has experience with infidliety ( many instances of bad advice from counsellors have been cited on here).
Stick around, you are in good company. And most of us are not only surviving infidelity but thriving. It's early days and they are dark, but please know after winter there is always a spring.
[This message edited by Edie at 4:44 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]
Please do talk to someone. There is no shame in needing to. You may be surprised at who will then confide about their own experiences.
WH and WW don't want you to talk to anyone because they are protecting themselves and hiding their own guilt. Tough luck to them.
I went through my first two DDs with out telling anyone. Big mistake.
This time, I've shared. I've had to deal with getting lots of advice, but I've been able to carry that support around with me.
You'll protect your little boy by protecting you. It's that simple. I know it feels like every minute is a climb up Everest. Take baby steps. Get through an hour at a time. Eat a little breakfast. Curl up on the sofa and watch how to train your dragon with your DS. Cuddles ARE therapeutic. Hour by hour.
Keep posting. We're listening
I have now read through the thread and can concur with my first statement: your wife is far from wonderful. Oh dear, very far.
Regarding the 180. She breached the marital bed, left it. And so, having taken herself outside of the marriage (on a frequent basis) she has lost her right to the marriage bed.
She can sleep in the bottom bunk, or on the sofa.
Your son can be told that your snoring is keeping her awake.
Or simply 180 even whilst sharing a bed. It's about turning to face you and embrace you and your life, going forward.
As far as temporary arrangements, sleep on the couch. If that's not going to work, then sleep on an air mattress. Do everything you can to begin to emotionally detach from her. Do not go to her for anything except to talk about your son or finances. I repeat, do not go to her for anything.
Your fog is beginning to clear and you are seeing the situation more clearly now. As much as you want your old life back, know that it is gone. Acceptance does not mean that you have to approve of it or that you have to enjoy what is happening. Acceptance is recognizing the reality for what it is so that you can make forward progress. It's the difference between running on a treadmill and running on true ground. The more you accept the reality of the situation, the more ground you will cover in your process towards healing.
Is your WW still in contact with her BF?
She's 'threatened' (in a non-threatening way) to go several times this morning
Is she still talking to and or seeing the OM at this time?
Does she even know why she did these things? Her knowing why and telling you would be a big step forward in her thinking and honesty.
Be careful of who you tell about this. If you and your wife R fully and stay together, anyone you tell might never think the same about your wife again and it could just be awkward in the future.
The sad truth is, you can't protect him from everything. Some things are simply out of your control. But what you can do, is start thinking big picture. Show him that a strong, moral parent will NOT put up with disrespect and poor behavior. You simply need to be the good parent that you are. And while it is hard to understand what a 5 year old is capable of knowing and retaining, you have to accept that these developmental years will be crucial as he gets older.
Would it have been better to have been raised in a full household of love and respect by his mother and father? Most certainly. But that is simply not the case. You don't need to be ill-willed towards your WW---you simply need to be intolerant to her destructive behavior. And the best way to do that is to start to emotionally detach. Today.
Start your 180. Limit communication with your WW to the bare necessities---child care, bills, etc. Do not engage in other chit chat. Do not get sucked in by her drama. Your mind will start to clear at a much faster rate...and when it does, you will see things in an entirely different light.
It is okay to grieve what you have lost, or are about to lose, but do not do it in front of her. She has currently forfeited her rights to see the hurt, vulnerable you. That is to be reserved for someone who cares and empathizes with you....which she obviously does not.
Of course when the fog really cleared and everyone saw that he was doing the work all these people were very supportive.
As far as 180 with being in the same house I'm a huge fan of telling the WS that you will no longer be disrespected and for your own mental health you are withdrawing, and when she chooses to do what is needed for R then you wi be willing to consider R. As part of that you want her out of te bedroom and need her to only speak to you about child care and finances. Give her a point by point list of what you need for R. So web she realizes you aren't going to allow her to fence sit he can start taking action.
Read our profiles those of is who have been sucessful at R. You will see a resounding theme. We stopped being nice guy and demanded the love and respect we deserved.
((( and strength )))
@jb3199: You're right, I know I can't protect my beloved son from everything. I just always dreamed - expected - him to grow up with both parents. And I thought - knew - we'd one day get through these difficult few years (in our relationship/financially) and all be stronger for it.
@tushnurse: Yes, I think she is starting to get a bit scared, but reality is still a way off hitting her smack in the face. I am still resisting the temptation to tell my parents (who I love dearly and feel like I am betraying, though I know my Mum understands). The 180 is my only hope right now, starting with going out with my family tonight. I'm going to do what my wife does, get ready with my music playing, have a long bath and go out with a smile on my face. If it kills me.
By the way, my WW took my son out a few hours ago. She's certainly very jittery, saying something odd about me not locking her out (as if I would). Then she sent me 3 or 4 texts, along the lines of:-
Are you ok?? I'm worried like crazy and it's making me sick to my stomach! It may have had to come to this just to make me realise what I've lost and I'm [heartbroken smiley]
I have no idea how to handle this either! I feel like I should just go? I'm not convinced this is all undoable
This time apart is killing me!! I'm sat here in print Wales beer garden and I just want to be with you right now!! I know I've f***** this all up but I want us to sort this together!
Why don't you stay at yr parents tonight after [name of uncle]s meal? Time apart and all that.. [ ] Can't help but feel like you'll be trying to hurt me back now
Love to hear your thoughts on all that.
In the meantime, I've download an app on my Mac to be able to read those deleted iPhone texts far more easily. It's nothing I didn't expect from a sordid affair (sorry, it was all rainbows and fairies...). Lots of pics he sent her of his bits. A few pics back from my wife - only a couple explicit (and they could have been far worse - irony of ironies). Loads of 'I love yous' and clearly a lot of evenings/nights I thought she was somewhere else when she was really with him/at his. Lots of comments from her that make me feel sick to the pit of my stomach, but then I went looking. The timeline is something like early December '13 = very friendly, late December '13 = slightly flirty/jealousy admitted over the OM's New Year's date (that kind of thing), January '14 = increasingly flirty/talk turning more and more dirty. Seems they slept together first either late January or early February. My wife has tried telling me it has been a couple of months, i.e. March/April. And remember on D-Day 1, it was JUST April 4th.
So, I've tortured myself all afternoon, but feel I needed to know. Another fact I didn't want to learn - my WW confessed all to her sister (like a sister to me too all these years) at the end of January. Now I know there are divided loyalties and I know how close they are, but boy do I feel even more stupid now. Only the other week I popped into my WW's sister's to say hi. I don't really feel any anger towards her though - is this normal or am I being a doormat again?
Only the other week I popped into my WW's sister's to say hi. I don't really feel any anger towards her though - is this normal or am I being a doormat again?
Not doormat, no. Probably it will come, the anger that is. maybe the sister had very divided loyalties, that is certainly true of the friends that knew in my case. Why not discuss it with the sister?
As for the texts - hopefully you are ignoring them. and they may escalate as a result. Texting is a way of avoidance, do not enable that. This way, she gets to do some worrying and thinking. Do not give in, this has been a long time coming.
Thinking on't - did you go to say hi to the sister AFTER you knew of her complicity? I might revise my thoughts about doormats in that scenario...
[This message edited by Edie at 10:33 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]