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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two weeks in, mood swings & a very defensive WW
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Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I've had two-and-a-half hours' sleep. Not thinking clearly.

I didn't tell you. The police came back sometime around 4 or 5am and took a statement from me. Asked a bunch of set questions about whether or not I felt frightened/threatened etc.

We discussed our situation. I chose NOT to press charges - though please note it could be out of my hands anyway (though without a witness - me - willing to stand up in court, who knows). You are all going to tell me I'm making a HUGE mistake.

My - not doubt very, very flawed - thinking is that this COULD be the shock my WW needs. Then again, I don't honestly believe she's going to walk back in later with anything other than hatred of me for getting her in trouble with the police (as she will see it). She's shown no remorse whatsoever in two months - what's going to be different now?

I know this. And I'm being pathetic again.

I stood up for myself last night. I didn't let myself down in any way. My WW is in no way the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know all this. You can't tell me anything I don't already know!!!

To come back from this, my WW would have to have a brain transplant AND fly to the moon and back (a thousand times) in order to convince me she understands SHE is the problem and SHE needs help...

I cannot see this happening, even after this - in fact, even less so after this. She will feel attacked/betrayed etc etc.


Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
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Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@5454real: You're right and I will. I have two solicitors I am happy with, plus the CAB. I will do this first thing this morning.

My WW is not being interviewed until after 8am (25 minutes' from now) when the something-or-other team arrive.

The police said someone will call me this morning and they do not expect my WW to be let go until midday.

Clearly, my DS won't be going to his club today. Poor kid (don't tell me, I know, he'll get over it).

Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any chance you CAN file? You need some protection. Seriously.

Give your solicitors EVERYTHING! Then follow their advice to the letter.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm looking into it right now, 5454real. Thanks - you & everyone.

Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly I think this incident could be a godsend. Isn't this the opportunity to file charges and apply for a restraining order, thereby forcing her to move out of the house?

You keep waiting for the moment when she finally "gets it", breaks down, begs you for forgiveness and you all live happily every after.

An earlier poster used the zombie analogy. I am so sorry to say, but you might as well accept that this woman is not the woman you thought you knew and loved. She might as well have been kidnapped by aliens or become a zombie. Either way, this doppelganger now in your house is a danger to you (and possibly your son) in every way possible. And there is no way this woman is ever going to "get anything".

I hope you find the strength to extricate yourself and your son from this drama asap, because the sooner that happens, the sooner you start building your new life.

You seem like such a decent guy, you really do deserve so much better.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Europe
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Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sitting her, beside myself that I may have made a huge mistake.
Mistake? What fucking mistake?? For Chrissake saveus, go ahead with charges against her. this is domestic violence and it will rapidly escalate if you do nothing. She is pushing and pushing you to see how far she can go. She has totally lost the plot. You cannot argue or rationalise with crazy. Get online and find a site for domestic abuse towards men. A few to get you started:

One of them will have someone at the end of the phone to help you NOW. Or phone the Samaritans. Someone. Get help. Now. Stop procrastinating. This is serious. Can’t you see she WANTS you to pull the plug. She wants out of the marriage but doesn’t want to be the one to be seen as the “bad guy” and she will go on and on until you do it. So stop hanging about waiting for her to come round and see you as her saviour. She won’t. Someone in the legal profession will be around. The Police will direct you towards someone. Get her OUT of you life.

What the hell have I done?????
It’s more what haven’t you done. And you’ve not taken the advice you have been given. We have seen this before. We have. And we are telling you to get the fuck out. Reread that post Bigger did and the burning house analogy.

If nothing else, think of your son. He is going to be damaged in a far worse way by witnessing this death by a thousand cuts than by the clean break.

If you want to get back together later in life – fine. But for now, I really do think you should get your skates on and get on with this divorce. For all your sakes.

Meanwhile, when she gets out from the police cell, you tell her to go and stay with her parents. She is NOT to come home. Tell her if she does, you will call the Police and get her thrown out. I mean it saveus, DO NOT LET HER BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

You do realise this is all going to be YOUR fault. DO NOT back down. I so fucking angry, I could swipe her head clean off her shoulders.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:14 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]

D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3475 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl is absolutely right. We are all so frustrated in watching this unnecessary drama unfold. It was a disaster waiting to happen. You fiddled while Rome burned. You keep asking for help and advice and while everyone offers you both, you ignore it, paying lip-service but then doing nothing to help yourself or your son.

Now that the police have been appraised of the situation, it will be more than likely that they will have to inform social services and what you really, really didn't want to happen, will. Your son is now the vulnerable link here.

Your wife is in no fit state to 'mother' your child. In fact, she is NOT a 'good mother', as you have so often said. You need to remove your son from her orbit.

You have procrastinated and procrastinated. You are inert. I understand this - if it were the case that you were dealing with a Wayward who was remorseful or regretful - but she is the farthest removed from remorse. She is pushing and pushing and pushing and STILL you do nothing!

Even the woman at the club where your son goes has had the foresight to remove your son from the toxicity of the OM - something that YOU, his father, didn't seem capable of doing! You ignored the advice here when people said that he shouldn't be anywhere near this man.

I wonder, Saveus, have you ever really had to make a decision that would hurt? Have you always gone through life choosing the least painful option? NOW is the time to chose!

Your 'wife' now physically abuses you whereas in the past it was emotional abuse. How much longer are you going to remain inert? If it was a man abusing a woman in like manner, what would YOU say? Would it be acceptable? WHY didn't you press charges against her? WHAT are you afraid of? Don't you think that maybe if you did, she might get her head together? You keep on saying that you want the wife you loved to reappear. How? By laying down and continually allowing her to steamroller you?

I hope that you made it plain to the police what the circumstances were that led to them coming to the house. If not, it's more than likely that your wife will - in her own manner - and now that social services will be involved...?

Please remove your son from all this toxicity. Let him go to your parents while it's sorted out. Keep him away from the OM. In fact if the OM makes one move on either him or you, you should inform the police.

What a mess. I'm really sorry for you but you have enabled this by doing nothing and allowing your wife to call all the shots. No 'good mother' goes out and gets pissed, leaving a five-year-old at home. No 'good father' allows this to happen either.

Sorry if you don't like this post but I'm angry for you - and even angrier that you didn't have the insight to see what would happen. Your wife is continuing her affair. Why else would she be so hysterical when you want to see her phone? Cheater's handbook 101. Why do you still protect her? What else does she have to prove to you?

WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, SohowamI and the other posters have hit the nail into the metaphorical 2x4 Saveus; the cops have now entered the orbit of this horseshit, and your wife is now going to come up with the most outrageous crap you have ever heard to paint you as the bad guy. You want injustice? Try being a male in the family court.

You want an answer regarding your marriage? Sadly my friend, at this stage it's over. In a period when your wife should be circumspect and doing everything she can to make you feel safe and look inwards, she's out partying as a single woman with your permission. She then comes home, deletes messages/phone calls from God knows who IN FRONT of you, before smashing your property and physically abusing you.

I am steaming at her audacity. You and your son deserve better than this. And she needs a padded cell.

The most painful thing for me to read in your entire treatise about her despicable behaviour, her deceit, the single handed destruction of your family, her physical and emotional abuse of you is you saying, 'What the hell have I done?!' My friend, you haven't done anything, it is all about her. And sadly, that's conversely also part of the problem.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 7:16 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]

Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My - not doubt very, very flawed - thinking is that this COULD be the shock my WW needs.

Indeed it is flawed to say the least, Saveus. You are still thinking "If...Maybe she will..." You see that you are. And I understand. But logic is screaming at you. It is OVER. DONE. She is GONE in every damned sense. Now she needs to be gone physically. I am so sorry. Listen to your brain. Listen to everyone here.

She is sick, and selfish.... And now she is DANGEROUS. To you and--make no mistake--to your DS as well.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1678 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think your wife has worn the trousers in your marriage from the start.
That's your dynamic as a couple.
She has felt entitled to behave however she wants for years and now you are growing a pair and giving her ultimatums.

She doesn't like that you are starting to gain strength. Good for you. Don't stop

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, even I, who has mostly been following because I cannot add anything the others weren't already saying, I am now imploring you to get out of this insanity. This has become a "no brainer". This entire thing, this entire time, has been more than just about you. You know this, partly why you were trying to hang onto any hope. This is now about protecting yourself and more importantly your son.

This is now a GOOD thing that you are trying to file. That is what filing for D has become in your case.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear about this Saveus.

My - not doubt very, very flawed - thinking is that this COULD be the shock my WW needs.

Forget it, the marriage is over. Add all of the other stuff your wife has done, reluctance to be honest, show remorse, etc. She is mentally unstable and the alcohol showed that.

First of all she just goes out all night long with some person, guy or woman, I dont know. But stays out all night long. What does someone do until 6am? The bars here close at 2am.

Why didnt she answer her phone early in the morning.

Why doesnt she care

I dont know how you have put up with it all of these years. She is not going to change.

Do not ever expect her to change. All you're going to hear is that this is your fault.

What is her big deal about always going out with others all night long.

Why cant she stay home and drink with you.

You should feel better, she made the final decision for you. Monday morning, you need to be filing for divorce. She is NEVER going to change.

Well actually, I think she could change after this...she will get worse. And the last thing you and your son need is an angry alcoholic blaming you for everything under the sun.

Her actions are now beyond disrespectful to you. She showed that by not even giving a damn that you just might be worried all night when she cant even answer her phone.

I will let the others give you legal advice. But you need to file and start your life over again.

Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can't add anything other than the people in UK know your system better than us in US, so for heavens same listen to them.
I just can't believe that with this latest shitstorm your last post was worried about your son missing "sports club" today. His entire mental and physical safety is in jeopardy and you are worried about his recreational day.
I am afraid you have now personally just checked out of the real world.
I am sure I am not alone when I say I practically call out of my chair in disbelief every time you post the latest. If I did not know better, I would think I was watching a soap opera.

I wish for your same that was true

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Women are 'turned on' by confident, strong, decisive men. With due respect I would not put you in that category, but there again I'll bet you have other personality attributes that greatly compensate. However I'll also bet your WW sees you as weak and indecisive; this causes her to lose respect for you.

So sadly the timidity that we all see on this thread could very well be a reason why your wife is rejecting you and seeking other men. Life isn't fair and although you are a very decent person, it just isn't enough. It ought to be, but it isn't; as we BS's well know.

I sometimes think life is largely about projecting images not honesty. Your wife has a low quality image of you and your actions are not going to change her mind anytime soon.

Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little more time to think about this so early in the morning.

I know you and you are still going to wait and see if she changes. First of all, it is very odd that a married woman goes out all night long and drinks with some other person. Stays out until 6 am or whatever...doing what?

A married 37 year old woman just doesnt do these things. In 10 years, you will still be waiting for her to change. It just is not going to happen.

Are you going to have her threaten you that every time you get mad, she is going to call the OM. You cannot live like that.

YOU are the one that is having consequences because of her affair, she is still living a fine and happy life. Going out with others, getting drunk, laughing it up, and then threatening you with calling the OM.

She has ZERO consequences and never has.

If you want to wait fine...the only way that should happen is if she starts IC first thing Monday morning, sooner if possible.

Otherwise, she is going to drag you down to her level and that has already started.

Resolve yourself to file for a divorce Monday morning and look forward to a new and better life. Be positive about a positive change in your life!

Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
Red Sox Nation
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Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus... I've been on vacation for the last week, wanted to check in.

Now that I've been divorced a few years, I've had plenty of time to reflect on these issues.

What I've learned:

There are a lot of cliches out there about love and marriage. We believe what we want to believe.

You talk a lot about the woman you married being different from your wife today. I've said the same thing. Problem: this is technically incorrect.

I look back at my ex's past and even about the early days of our relationship and I see that issues were present even then. But when her romantic notion of love was focused on me, I accepted it as real love.

When she transferred that love to the OM, she didn't reminisce about our past. None of that. She was done because she was never there.

Your wife doesn't reminisce. You can't remind her of good days because they don't mean anything to her. She was never the woman you thought she was.

[b]When you ask her to reminisce, you might as well be asking her to conjugate Latin verbs.[/b]

You can have the marriage you have now (or maybe not). It's just not a romantic marriage. Lots of people stay married and have these occasional Jerry Springer moments. You could take a mistress, she could have her nights out. You could negotiate some sort of peace.

But... [b]you can't have your notion of a romantic marriage back because you never had it in the first place.[/b]

It was all in your head. We create wonderful fantasies for ourselves when we're in the moment and someone like that is focusing on us.

A woman who is capable of doing what your wife has done is not capable of romantic marriage. Period. End of story. If that's what you need, you're going to have to let it go sooner or later.

As for last night's episode... What the hell, man? You want your child growing up in that environment? You're worried about your child not seeing photos that mean nothing to him whatsoever (at that age, they're wonderful kids, but they don't give a darn about your photo album) but you won't press charges when your wife goes off the deep end and commits a crime in the same home where your son sleeps.

Get your priorities straight. Whatever else is going on, and you know I can empathize with you, but I'm seriously pissed off that you think there's no reason to press charges to protect your son from this environment.

It may be therapeutic to reminisce and hope. It was for me, even though I couldn't even begin to save my marriage. But now that this is a volatile environment for your son, some sense of his survival needs to take over. It's bullshit that you called the cops but wouldn't stand up for yourself and your son when the time came. No wonder cops absolutely hate domestic violence calls - there's so often the abused spouse who can't do what's right - either out of fear or out of hope they can talk some sense into their spouse later.

Your wife came home in a drunken rage after doing who knows what out on the town. [b]This is not a situation that can be fixed through repeated talks or drawing boundaries. This is who she is[/b].

When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, reread your post on what transpired. Consider that in situations like these people often accuse others of doing what themselves are capable of doing. Your WW just laid out a part her and the OM's plan to get YOU out of the house and him to take your place.
Pay attention to how she acted while attacking you. She was provoking you to attack back. Soon as she got her phone back she was calling the police. Then she was calling the OM. He will then get to make a statement on the report about who you are and your behavior sinc3 this all started. Even if she didn't really call anyone on her phone, she acted out the script she has had on her mind to get rid of you.

Lucky for you, it blew up in her face. File the charges! You just got ahead of her plans and for once got a VERY lucky break to turn the situation entirely your way. DON'T BLOW IT!

Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, this is a very bad situation, IMO. You need to start D proceedings immediately. Do not wait. I have indicated in previous posts that waffling has worked against you for you and your son. Think of your son. Your WW and OM have probably already concocted a story and are ahead of you. I hope I am wrong.

So many here have shared their experiences with you. You needed to have listened and acted. You keep saying you hear and are going to act but then you don't. I feel you may have lost out already and this will go badly for you and your DS. Every delay in action has given her and POS more power. Think. of. your. DS. Act.

BH(me)63; WW 57; M 37 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


WS is setting you up. You could lose more than you could imagine here. Her "punching" you in the neck could have killed you. And there could be more coming.

It is the domestic abuse cycle. Victim doesn't press charges. Then things escalate.

Call a shelter. See what they say.

Please take care of yourself, child, finances. She's gone over the line and over the edge. She's shown you who she is.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 10:05 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]

Posts: 822 | Registered: Apr 2011
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Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You better change the title of this thread to "offensive" wife because she beat the holy hell out of you. She's not defensive at all in her words or her conduct.

If this isn't a wake up call, I cannot imagine what will be. Have OM move in to " protect" her? I wouldn't put even that humiliation past her.

If you took a poll,of whether the M will survive, I suspect 99% would vote NO.

But now you and your young son are in physical danger. Ther cannot be a clearer message. A start the divorce and have her removed from the home. Supervised visitation only, if any. Psychiatric evaluation, too. Safety is more important than this shel of a marriage. Your son cannot protect himself. You know that.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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